Dedication to Brian

I am slightly at a loss in my heart, my mind and my body. Things have surprised me in my life, and things have even boggled my mind. But never have I been as utterly shocked as I was today. Last night, around 11:30pm I couldn't sleep (this is super late for me to be up). I was feeling so anxious, and felt like I needed to check my facebook...which is really weird, cuz I don't usually go on my computer past 9pm at the latest. I resisted the urge to check it, and rolled over trying to fall asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I felt alert at 6am, and went straight to my computer. Remember that whole elf suspicion I had? Well this morning was one time i REALLY wish I didn't have it. I found out that one of my closest college friends, so dear to my heart, passed away yesterday morning. OH MY GODS. I am betting that I am still in shock, but I don't know where else to turn other than my writing. Typing is easier than journaling with the knots that have resided in my shoulders from this stress, and the pain I feel all over my body. Sitting here, I am trying to recall my day, and it's all a blur. I can't remember the morning that well. All I can remember is feeling lost, scared, and full of more sadness than I ever thought I could feel. I spent the whole morning on the computer trying to feel connected to everyone because I was alone in my apartment and couldn't stop crying.

The sadness I feel is for the loss that everyone will experience in losing our friend, but its mostly rooted in the fear and sadness that my friend must have been feeling. For one person to have that much fear and sadness, is so unbearable, and I hate to think of it, but I can't seem to help it. He was such a HILARIOUS, wonderful person who always lightened the mood of any room, and made everyone smile. He always made me feel like 'one of the guys' and treated me like a sister. I have never lost anyone close to me before. This really is the most heart-wrenching feeling I've ever had. I know it hasn't fully sunk in yet because it still doesn't feel completely real to me. It's not till I sit and actually take a moment to realize that I will never talk to him on the phone again. I will never see him have a huge smile on his face and hear him say "BERMAN!" with a huge hug ready and waiting. He was so much taller than me, he used to pat me on the head and just say, 'love you berman!'

It's true that death is a part of life...and sooner or later, I would have to experience a loss of someone close to me; but my gods it hurts more than I could ever possibly imagine. Everything about it hurts.

Hinch,

I pray to the gods that you are in a more peaceful place, and have found the rest you need. I hope that wherever you are, there is lots of your favorite beer, and endless funny movies for you to memorize and quote directly...but better. Thank you for all the gut-wrenching laughs, the perfect hugs, the philosophical talks...and always being someone I could count on to act like my brother. I love you SO much, and always will. I will miss you SO much, but you will be in my thoughts every single day, and remembered with sincere kindness in your beautiful eyes, and friendly smile. May you be happy, and shine your light upon us, to help us through hard times, and see us through beautiful ones.

Love you always,

Berman