Dear Sweet Isla,
You have taught me SO much in the 6 short months of your life. The biggest lesson though, is self acceptance. I have never been able to accept my body for how it is. I have always tried to change my physical appearance, and strive to be "better" because I have always had high expectations of what I think I am supposed to look like, and what I want to look like. These expectations come partly from what I think other people are thinking of me, when I stand up in front a room full of people to teach yoga to...when in reality, they are rarely looking at my body, but listening to my words and are in their own heads with their own stuff. It's so silly, but it's how I have been for as long as I can remember. When I was pregnant with you, I gained another 50lbs, just like I didnt with your brother. After he was born, I OBSESSED over losing all the weight and "getting my body back" as soon as I could. I focused so much on it, and I eventually "got it back" but not really. The thing is, that I understand on a much deeper level now, is that my body will NEVER be the same, because it shouldn't be! I grew and birthed two whole, amazing, beautiful humans!!! How could I ever be the same, physically, emotionally, energetically, intuitively or spiritually? I never will: and THAT'S A GOOD THING! As of now, I could stand to lose another 15 pounds or so, in order for me to feel a little better in my own skin, and so i could fit into some pants that aren't leggings again...but I am not stressing about it this time around. You have taught me radical acceptance of the fact that not only am I different...so is my life and my priorities. Time is FLYING with you. So fast. Finding time to exercise right now is really hard, and I honestly would rather just spend these short moments with you...and exercise later, when the scheduling of things is more organic and accessible. You are only little once, and I can exercise and restrengthen my body later. It's been so liberating to just accept things as they are right now...and really just go with it. You have given me such a gift in being my daughter, and I am praying every day that this acceptance of myself you have taught me, carries on to you, and that you don't carry this ridiculous burden of obsessing over your body as you grow and change. Our bodies grow humans, and bring them into the world. We are magical, and meant to change; and I hope I can help you embrace all the changes to come. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever met, and when I see myself in you, I feel beautiful too. Thank you for being my teacher, my daughter, and my magical little snuggle bug. I love you with my whole being and am eternally grateful to be your mom. I can honestly say, that I am so excited (and terrifed and already humbled) by all the lessons you still will teach me in the coming years.
Rock on sister. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.
Love,
Mommmy
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Fourth F***ing Trimester
This post is not for the faint of heart. It's going to be vulgar. It's going to be intense. It's probably going to hit home for some, and turn the rest of you off. It's about the fourth trimester of pregnancy that not enough people talk about, with real honesty.
Having a baby is the biggest life changer there is. I don't care what anyone else says. It's the biggest, most life changing, intense, emotional experience on the planet. It changes you physically, hormonally, energetically, emotionally and spiritually. It changes your relationships near and far. It changes the way you see everything, especially yourself. You choose to bring a whole entire person into this world, and then raise it to hopefully turn into someone who isn't a total asshole. But guess what? For me, having a baby turned ME into a temporary asshole. For 8 weeks, I didn't sleep, or eat healthy, and I questioned every minute of every day WHY I HAD ANOTHER BABY. WHY did I ruin my family? I had all the thoughts that no one wants to every talk about: did I make the biggest mistake of my life? I don't like being this child's mother. I want to leave her at a fire station. I want to duct tape her mouth shut so she stops crying. If i shake her, will she shut up?
Know what follows those thoughts? THE WORST KIND OF GUILT IMAGINABLE. Then the thoughts come back anyway. Then the guilt. Then the thoughts. Then the guilt. It's near impossible to see anything clearly when you're so sleep deprived, and physically recovering from birthing human being. A human being that bites your nipples, screams in your face, shits all over the place and steals all your sleep. It's miserable. And everyone just talks about how sweet the baby is. And how it's all temporary. Guess what? When someone tells a sleep deprived, hormonal, uncomfortable woman that "it's all temporary" ....well...it makes me want to tell everyone to fuck off. I KNOW ITS TEMPORARY. BUT IM MISERABLE RIGHT NOW. I don't need a fucking solution. I need some empathy and a listening ear. I need compassion for my temper tantrums. And i need a fucking nap.
Do you know how many times I have attempted to sit down and write this? I don't even know. The baby never wants to be put down, and you no longer have any space of your own. By the end of the day, I'm so touched out, I dont even want a hug from my husband because it feels like too much.
Then there's the fact that NOTHING FITS. My body is a saggy, smooshy mess of postpartum mush. Of course this isn't a compassionate way to talk about my body that just brought life into the world. But this is how it feels. There is NOTHING SEXY about birth and all the fluids that seem to pour out of you for weeks and weeks and weeks. There isn't time to exercise, and there is barely time to meal plan let alone meal prep, to eat healthier choices. So, stuck in this body until the next phase it is.
Then all of a sudden, your baby starts sleeping a little longer, and not always on you. You get a few minutes here and there to breathe without your space closing in on you. Or, something clicks, and you're able to accept that things are the way they are until they aren't, and it's not so bad. You get to know this little person you made, and s/he gets to know you. Your energies start to merge a bit more, and feel more symbiotic. Sometimes you even get an entire 5 minutes to shower!! (I SAID SOMETIMES). Even better, you get a chance to sit down and write it all out. Maybe you even get a date with your other person who you made this child with. And you start to think back on the last few months of blurry, exhausting, traumatic life changing events.
I'm still working through the guilt of my shitty thoughts towards this helpless human I chose to give life to. I'm still uncomfortable in my body and wish these last 25 pounds would just melt off. I'm still waiting to feel the desire of hugging my husband, let alone snuggle with him. I'm still adjusting to life with 2 children, both of whom need me just as much, in very different ways and some smiliar ways. I'm waiting to not feel so burnt out, and taking measures to help alleviate that feeling when I can. I'm also working on remembering that I AM ONLY HUMAN. Those thoughts and tantrums don't make me a bad mom. I'm a great mom. It's just REALLY HARD for me to do everything for everyone else, and not feel like I have enough left of myself, or know who I am anymore.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. That makes it a little easier. I'm sure this post isn't going to go viral, or change the way we see mothers in the first few months of a new person's life (though we expect WAY TOO MUCH of them in our culture). But I do hope that my honesty makes at least one person feel less shitty about their experience, and that as long as you're doing the best you can every day, then you're fantastic.
It's time now, to move forward and use these little people as our teachers, because whether we like it or not, they are mirrors to our souls and we can become incredibly attuned to ourselves and therefore each other if we let ourselves be open to all they have to teach us, and all we can see if we're willing to really look.
Fourth Fucking Trimester: ITS NO JOKE.
<3 p="">
Having a baby is the biggest life changer there is. I don't care what anyone else says. It's the biggest, most life changing, intense, emotional experience on the planet. It changes you physically, hormonally, energetically, emotionally and spiritually. It changes your relationships near and far. It changes the way you see everything, especially yourself. You choose to bring a whole entire person into this world, and then raise it to hopefully turn into someone who isn't a total asshole. But guess what? For me, having a baby turned ME into a temporary asshole. For 8 weeks, I didn't sleep, or eat healthy, and I questioned every minute of every day WHY I HAD ANOTHER BABY. WHY did I ruin my family? I had all the thoughts that no one wants to every talk about: did I make the biggest mistake of my life? I don't like being this child's mother. I want to leave her at a fire station. I want to duct tape her mouth shut so she stops crying. If i shake her, will she shut up?
Know what follows those thoughts? THE WORST KIND OF GUILT IMAGINABLE. Then the thoughts come back anyway. Then the guilt. Then the thoughts. Then the guilt. It's near impossible to see anything clearly when you're so sleep deprived, and physically recovering from birthing human being. A human being that bites your nipples, screams in your face, shits all over the place and steals all your sleep. It's miserable. And everyone just talks about how sweet the baby is. And how it's all temporary. Guess what? When someone tells a sleep deprived, hormonal, uncomfortable woman that "it's all temporary" ....well...it makes me want to tell everyone to fuck off. I KNOW ITS TEMPORARY. BUT IM MISERABLE RIGHT NOW. I don't need a fucking solution. I need some empathy and a listening ear. I need compassion for my temper tantrums. And i need a fucking nap.
Do you know how many times I have attempted to sit down and write this? I don't even know. The baby never wants to be put down, and you no longer have any space of your own. By the end of the day, I'm so touched out, I dont even want a hug from my husband because it feels like too much.
Then there's the fact that NOTHING FITS. My body is a saggy, smooshy mess of postpartum mush. Of course this isn't a compassionate way to talk about my body that just brought life into the world. But this is how it feels. There is NOTHING SEXY about birth and all the fluids that seem to pour out of you for weeks and weeks and weeks. There isn't time to exercise, and there is barely time to meal plan let alone meal prep, to eat healthier choices. So, stuck in this body until the next phase it is.
Then all of a sudden, your baby starts sleeping a little longer, and not always on you. You get a few minutes here and there to breathe without your space closing in on you. Or, something clicks, and you're able to accept that things are the way they are until they aren't, and it's not so bad. You get to know this little person you made, and s/he gets to know you. Your energies start to merge a bit more, and feel more symbiotic. Sometimes you even get an entire 5 minutes to shower!! (I SAID SOMETIMES). Even better, you get a chance to sit down and write it all out. Maybe you even get a date with your other person who you made this child with. And you start to think back on the last few months of blurry, exhausting, traumatic life changing events.
I'm still working through the guilt of my shitty thoughts towards this helpless human I chose to give life to. I'm still uncomfortable in my body and wish these last 25 pounds would just melt off. I'm still waiting to feel the desire of hugging my husband, let alone snuggle with him. I'm still adjusting to life with 2 children, both of whom need me just as much, in very different ways and some smiliar ways. I'm waiting to not feel so burnt out, and taking measures to help alleviate that feeling when I can. I'm also working on remembering that I AM ONLY HUMAN. Those thoughts and tantrums don't make me a bad mom. I'm a great mom. It's just REALLY HARD for me to do everything for everyone else, and not feel like I have enough left of myself, or know who I am anymore.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. That makes it a little easier. I'm sure this post isn't going to go viral, or change the way we see mothers in the first few months of a new person's life (though we expect WAY TOO MUCH of them in our culture). But I do hope that my honesty makes at least one person feel less shitty about their experience, and that as long as you're doing the best you can every day, then you're fantastic.
It's time now, to move forward and use these little people as our teachers, because whether we like it or not, they are mirrors to our souls and we can become incredibly attuned to ourselves and therefore each other if we let ourselves be open to all they have to teach us, and all we can see if we're willing to really look.
Fourth Fucking Trimester: ITS NO JOKE.
<3 p="">
Sunday, July 30, 2017
PPD, Vaginas and Impermanence
When people see you out in public with a newborn, they have just as much to say to you as they did when you were pregnant. Sometimes it's advice, sometimes it's praise "for getting out of the house", but often times they pretend to want to know how you're feeling. I say pretend, because if I were to answer honestly, with "well, im beyond exhausted, my vagina feels like it's been kicked with a steel toed work boot, and my body is smushy soft unsexy mess" then I don't believe the response would be empathetic. I don't believe that because I've answered honestly before, and I the response has been shock, or just walking away. So, not only do you become a temporary interest of people who wouldn't acknowledge your existence if you werent pregnant or with a baby, you also aren't being heard. That's why instead of having the view of "well this is an opportunity to interact with people and trust that the universe has provided this interaction for a reason" im more pessimistic. If the general culture of our society had more compassion, respect and deep care for new mothers, and wanted to hear how we really felt, then it'd be easier to leave the house.
This time around, I feel WAY more supported postpartum than I did after having my son. However, I am the one who proactively set up my support system. It didn't just fall into place. I was terrified of experiencing what I did with my son, and tried everything I could to make sure I would be able to be held and supported if I needed to fall apart again. Which brings me to my next point: I CANNOT BELIEVE that I thought my experience of postpartum/motherhood after my son, was normal. I thought it was just how it was to have kids. UNREAL. I'm so glad I was brave enough to have another baby, because this whole experience has been SO different, and given me even more clarity that my first experience was just pure trauma on every single front. How did I not know it wasn't normal?? There are too many cracks in our culture around parenthood to pay close enough attention to when one mom (or many) are falling apart.
If we take a step back, and even leave the hormones out of this huge life transition, and peak at this through an energetic, yogic perspective, then it makes a lot more sense to me as to why this transition completely flips your life upside down. I'm about to talk vaginas and pelvic floor. VAGINA. WHY are people SO uptight about this word? VAGINAS ARE AMAZING. Regardless of how you were conceived, or how you were born, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mother's vagina. I'm not trying to be crude: just truthful. The FOUNDATION of our core, and our energetic self, begins at our pelvic floor. So during pregnancy, your pelvic floor takes quite a hit. During birth, it takes a beating! Postpartum, your whole foundation has been flipped inside out, and is trying to put itself back together; and on top of it all, we're caring for a tiny human who has just completely changed our whole body, our whole outlook on life, and the entire way we see ourselves. Bssically the most life changing thing anyone can do, is have a child. It changes your physical, energetic, emotional, intuitive and spiritual body. It literally is never the same. So we learn to adjust--but this process can be quite traumatic without the correct support and information.
Everyone's birth and postpartum experience is different, and it's never the way we imagine it to be. This is the next problem. We have images of how we want things to go, how we think things will be, what we think we can handle...and we get attached to them, in efforts to keep ourselves grounded during a huge life transition. But guess what? Getting attached to our desires is always our biggest mistake because it always results in disappointment. We don't know how our birth will be, or what it will really be like to be a parent. We try to make it the way it was the first time, or make it the way we expected it to be, and we are our own worst enemy when we do that, because we get into a battle with ourselves. It's hard to avoid this cycle as we live this way most of our lives: being attached to our desires, and disappointed when things don't go the way we wanted.
So what's the lesson? To me, the lesson which has become my mantra, is: impermanence. Nothing will always be this way. Everything is always changing. Things won't always be this way. In this truth, there inherently is the opportunity for trust to blossom inside ourselves. We have to trust our bodies, TRUST OUR BABIES (that will be another much longer post), and trust in God, or the Universe, or something bigger than ourselves. When we TRUST that we are where we are supposed to be, there is a little buffer between the shitty situation we feel victim to, and our reaction to said shitty situation. And TRUST that its OK and its NORMAL to cry, to get mad, to FEEL SO MANY FEELINGS. Embrace those feelings, because FEELING is what makes us human!! It allows us to express things like love, and happiness and joy...but also sadness, anger, and fear. We need both sides and all parts of the emotioal spectrum to have any respect for any of it!
Take away: Vaginas are amazing, Women are superheroes, and Everything is always shifting. Deep breaths, or a grounding piece of music, or just a pause to remember how abundant our lives are, gives us a moment to BREATHE.
<3 p="">
This time around, I feel WAY more supported postpartum than I did after having my son. However, I am the one who proactively set up my support system. It didn't just fall into place. I was terrified of experiencing what I did with my son, and tried everything I could to make sure I would be able to be held and supported if I needed to fall apart again. Which brings me to my next point: I CANNOT BELIEVE that I thought my experience of postpartum/motherhood after my son, was normal. I thought it was just how it was to have kids. UNREAL. I'm so glad I was brave enough to have another baby, because this whole experience has been SO different, and given me even more clarity that my first experience was just pure trauma on every single front. How did I not know it wasn't normal?? There are too many cracks in our culture around parenthood to pay close enough attention to when one mom (or many) are falling apart.
If we take a step back, and even leave the hormones out of this huge life transition, and peak at this through an energetic, yogic perspective, then it makes a lot more sense to me as to why this transition completely flips your life upside down. I'm about to talk vaginas and pelvic floor. VAGINA. WHY are people SO uptight about this word? VAGINAS ARE AMAZING. Regardless of how you were conceived, or how you were born, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mother's vagina. I'm not trying to be crude: just truthful. The FOUNDATION of our core, and our energetic self, begins at our pelvic floor. So during pregnancy, your pelvic floor takes quite a hit. During birth, it takes a beating! Postpartum, your whole foundation has been flipped inside out, and is trying to put itself back together; and on top of it all, we're caring for a tiny human who has just completely changed our whole body, our whole outlook on life, and the entire way we see ourselves. Bssically the most life changing thing anyone can do, is have a child. It changes your physical, energetic, emotional, intuitive and spiritual body. It literally is never the same. So we learn to adjust--but this process can be quite traumatic without the correct support and information.
Everyone's birth and postpartum experience is different, and it's never the way we imagine it to be. This is the next problem. We have images of how we want things to go, how we think things will be, what we think we can handle...and we get attached to them, in efforts to keep ourselves grounded during a huge life transition. But guess what? Getting attached to our desires is always our biggest mistake because it always results in disappointment. We don't know how our birth will be, or what it will really be like to be a parent. We try to make it the way it was the first time, or make it the way we expected it to be, and we are our own worst enemy when we do that, because we get into a battle with ourselves. It's hard to avoid this cycle as we live this way most of our lives: being attached to our desires, and disappointed when things don't go the way we wanted.
So what's the lesson? To me, the lesson which has become my mantra, is: impermanence. Nothing will always be this way. Everything is always changing. Things won't always be this way. In this truth, there inherently is the opportunity for trust to blossom inside ourselves. We have to trust our bodies, TRUST OUR BABIES (that will be another much longer post), and trust in God, or the Universe, or something bigger than ourselves. When we TRUST that we are where we are supposed to be, there is a little buffer between the shitty situation we feel victim to, and our reaction to said shitty situation. And TRUST that its OK and its NORMAL to cry, to get mad, to FEEL SO MANY FEELINGS. Embrace those feelings, because FEELING is what makes us human!! It allows us to express things like love, and happiness and joy...but also sadness, anger, and fear. We need both sides and all parts of the emotioal spectrum to have any respect for any of it!
Take away: Vaginas are amazing, Women are superheroes, and Everything is always shifting. Deep breaths, or a grounding piece of music, or just a pause to remember how abundant our lives are, gives us a moment to BREATHE.
<3 p="">
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
In The Spirit of Honesty...
The Truth About My 4th Trimester:
Since we've been home from the hospital, i have posted all the sweet, cute pictures of my little angel and gushed over how lucky i am, how happy i am, and how blessed i am. all of these things are true. my heart has more than doubled in size to accomodate the love i feel for Isla, Jacob, and my family of four now. But guess what? there is a whole other side to having a baby that isnt nearly as lovely and enjoyable, but are par for the course.
let me enlighten you:
first of all, im so confused by the comments i have received about "being jealous" of my "home birth experience." We did not plan to have Isla at home, and as much of the experience was empowering, and incredible (because we were both healthy), it was equally as scary and insane and anxiety provoking for all of us too. This "home birth experience" isnt why people have home births. We had no one there to help us until EMT's arrived, and my son was just watching TV in our living room, while our neighbor took care of him. that being said, it all turned out ok, and im very grateful for that.
In Isla's speedy delivery, without a professional to deliver her, i tore pretty good. so guess what? I have at least 5 stitches in my vagina, and on the 3rd day home, one of them popped. so yup. im in a TON of pain, and i cant sit down...only standing or laying for this mama. My milk came in 36 hours after her arrival, which is great! but guess what? my breasts are engorged and im constantly leaking milk all over myself and all over Isla, and our couch, and our bed and my clothes and EVERYTHING. I can't do much of anything except lay around and nurse which is FINE, but it's not the easiest of things to do. Do you think i'm rested? NOPE. i'm exhausted beyond comprehension, and still need to dig down DEEP for patience for my son because the last thing he deserves is for anyone to snap at him during this enormous time of transition for him.
i'm spent. and im completely filled up. i'm depleted and totally empowered. i'm grateful beyond measure, and in such discomfort i want to cry. i'm all the feelings, with very little time to process but felt it really important to highlight that there are many more than just one side to the 4th trimester...it's not all cupcakes and rainbows to give birth...but its completely worth all of the challenges and it's why our race continues to grow.
just keeping it real.
thanks for reading.
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