Where do I begin? My last post was over a year ago, and so much has happened. I suppose i'll write this as i would write in a journal, and just start with a bit of babbling about how to start this entry :)
So much has happened since my last time writing here. A few months after our city hall celebration of becoming legally married, my husband got pretty sick. I won't go in to details here as its not a private journal entry, but it was quite intense from my point of view. He is ok now, thank goodness. After quite a dramatic couple of months to get things under control, we started to settle in to a routine and get things back on track. We moved to a different apartment with more space, and we added the first addition to our new family: Dixie the wonder dog :) She brought so much light to our lives in a bit of a darker time...and we had each other, so we knew it would all be ok!
In the fall of last year, i enrolled in my 300 hour Comprehensive Yoga Therapy Training program, which is now coming to a close this coming weekend! I think that with the program happening, there has been a lot of processing going on, and writing about it has felt too intense until now. The program has been amazing and supportive of my growth as a teacher, a person and a soon to be certified yoga therapist. Each weekend we talked about a different aspect of the physical and energetic body, and each weekend we chipped away at another layer; at least i did. As much of a social person as i like to be, i have really had so much going on, that its been easier for me to process a lot on my own and with my husband.
This program has opened up a lot for me, and a lot of it i can't fully articulate yet, but there are observances floating around in my mind and body. The biggest shift for me is the true realization that we really do create our own reality, our own happiness and/or our own suffering. The samskaras (habits or karmic patterns) are very real, and its a lot of work to choose a different path to alleviate stress. For example, it is very hard for me to react differently to situations regarding my family, because i love them so much and its so close to a big part of my identity. Becoming a married woman is another role of many i play on a daily basis. Though my marriage is not a game to me, there are certain responsibilities that are required of a relationship to work, and certain expectations that i have of myself, that i have of my husband, and that he has of me, for the partnership to work. Just as there are these responsibilities and expectations of myself as a yoga teacher, a friend, or a daughter or a sister. We are all on this ride together.
What i have noticed to be quite palpable to me, is that we all project our expectations of ourselves, and on to each other. As a friend to another, I expect to stay in touch regularly, I expect support of hard times, and congratulations through good times. I expect compassion and understanding, and I expect a listening ear when necessary. I expect honesty most of all. I expect these things, because that's what i personally believe a good friend to be. Something that I have learned (especially over the last year) is that not everyone has the same belief system as i do regarding what a good friend is. This has been a particularly eye opening challenge for me as we compiled our guest list for our wedding, and received the response cards back in the mail. It was time for me to re-assess much more than i realized would be part of the process of having a wedding. Another piece to remember that is so hard when you are immersed in something so important: not everyone is in the same place as you! I realized after many tears and hurt feelings, that people who i expected more support from, simply cannot relate to the place of my life that i am in right now. It was evident when my few friends who have been through a wedding, behaved the way i expected...and my friends who have not yet been through this right of passage, didn't seem to understand the capacity of the situation. But it's so hard to not be hurt by that, as our belief systems can get very rigid and stuck when we want and expect things to go a certain way.
We all have belief systems for all different situations in our lives, and we project them on to each other, and even on to ourselves. We develop these beliefs through socialization, television, family of origin upbringing etc. Most of the time, the things we believe are not even true when we break them down and get in to the meat of the belief. Like, it's not true that the friends i have, who didn't behave supportively to me (as i expected), weren't happy for me. But when i was right in the middle of the situation, that's what it felt like. I can say all i want that "its common sense to send a congrats card, or email or SOMETHING" when your friend gets married...but thats just another projection of my belief system. layers and layers and layers.
What i am so excited about is my ability to actually recognize this now. I know it doesnt mean that i will be able to reconstruct all my beliefs in to something that are true, but at least there is some space now between a situation, and my reaction. of course there is a little more space with some situations than others. the situations that involve people like family, that go SO much deeper, take much longer to reconstruct, as there are more layers to work through.
People are truly such complicated and guarded creatures because our society is not based on a sharing, loving supportive community. Its competitive and harsh, which has been a huge source of my struggle in growing up, and becoming an adult. People can be SO kind and loving and compassionate, but many of us aren't because it makes us too vulnerable to ridicule and its scary. I have always believed this, and will always believe that what everything boils down to is that every single person wants and needs to feel loved by another. I truly believe that if every person had someone that they knew in their hearts, loved them unconditionally, the world would be a vastly different place. There wouldn't be the drama that everyone seems to need and crave. There would be less hatred and violence on television. I think that we prevent this from happening as a society, because we think life would be boring or something. Again, with the layers of complications of the human race! ahh!
These are just a few of my sort of self-discoveries over the last months. They seem to be at the root of healing/managing/minimizing stress in my life. Of course it's a lifelong project, journey, and adventure to becoming the best version of myself. It's so hard for me to remember that i have to put myself first so i can be the best for everyone else around me. Its the positive side of being selfish.
Even though i struggle with it some days, my mission to be able to cultivate true compassion (not pity and not empathy) but real compassion, for everyone around me. It's always the hardest with your inner circle, because that's where the expectations are the highest...but its certainly the most rewarding when those glimpses peak through, and light up my heart.
This is the practice of yoga. Noticing, observing, and allowing space for it all to unfold.
Love & Light,
Sarah
