Something I have noticed in my relatively short time on this planet, is how so many people live in fear and in resistance to let go. Let me be clear: I am included in this observation of humans who live this way. We are pumped full of contradictory advice, and unrealistic expectations of how we are supposed to be, and when we're supposed to "have it all figured out." It's easy to be scared. Scared of failing, scared of change, scared of letting go for fear of the unknown.
Many of you know, (and many of you don't) that what brought me to my yoga mat for the first time almost 17 years ago, was a life of gymnastics and ballet i.e injury and anorexia. I now consider the tumultuous times of physical and emotional pain, to be my biggest blessing and teacher, because ultimately it's what got me on the path to healing myself, and being able to hold a healing space for others. I knew after my very first yoga class that I found my "thing." When I love someone, or something, I won't let go. Some call it stubborn; I call it loyal and dedicated. When I love, I love with my whole being and you get all of me. Yoga received all of me just as I was (and continues to do so) and allowed me to heal, grow, be vulnerable and see a clear path for myself.
Somewhere along the journey of life, I got married and had a couple babies. Becoming a mother has shaped me more than anything has in my 33 years here. Children are little mirrors, and can be the littlest biggest teachers on this planet if we let them be. That's not always easy though. In fact, it's often very challenging and unpleasant to be faced with seeing all your faults and places you can improve on being a better human. But isn't that INCREDIBLE?! That we'd be given a chance to go so much deeper within ourselves that we can actually become a better, and eventually the best, version of who we have always been? I think so.
However, I have realized how far down the fear rabbit hole I had gone since becoming a mother. At some point, I began saying no to things I used to say yes to, because I was scared to either: leave my babies, trust anyone but me, fail at motherhood, fail at something I used to be good at but no longer was...the list goes on. No was easier. I lost myself in all this fear and all these no's.
Whenever I notice how disconnected to myself I am, my "go-to" has always been to go on a yoga retreat with teachers who I trust with my whole being. It always brings me home to myself, and allows me to go into that safe space within, to really see what's going on. So, in February of this year (2019), I went to Guatemala to reconnect with my spirit who felt so suffocated I didn't know what else to do. It worked. It just worked a little differently this time than the last few retreats I'd been on. This time, it lasted a lot longer, and was quite a bit more painful. It was in Guatemala that I realized how fearful of a space I had been living in. I was very validated in why my fears existed, as in January 2018, my husband suddenly lost his job of 7 years and we had a 6 month old and a 3 year old, and I had just scaled way back on working so I could focus on mothering 2 children instead of 1. That really spiraled me into a fearful space!
Guatemala gave me the opportunity to see how far we'd come out of that darkness and into a lighter, more stable, wonderful space...which was the biggest blessing. But it also meant I had a lot of work to do! It meant I needed to start saying YES when my knee-jerk reaction was to say NO...and this was scary! It was also invigorating, and it ignited so much life within me. So I started saying YES.
I went sky diving. I participated in a triathlon. I signed up for a spartan race (coming up soon!). I signed up for another retreat next March to Colombia so I'm not waiting to be in the darkness to go on retreat, but going from a lighter space to get even deeper work done! I became a vegan. The list goes on. The work continues...and the more I say yes, the more grounded I feel. When I notice something I might want to do, if it seems scary, then I do it and show myself how strong I am.
A profound realization for me in the observation of so much fear, is how little faith and trust people place in themselves, and therefore in others. I have always considered myself a very spiritual person who believes in God, Mother Nature, the Universe (whatever you want to label it)...but what I realized is how disconnected I was to having faith, and trust in myself when I kept saying no, and being scared. Every time I say yes, I trust the Universe, I trust my path, and I trust myself that I'm living a bold, beautiful, life with no regrets.
So many of us are disconnected from our Spirit, because we live in a world that can be quite painful when we are truly connected to what's going on within us, and around us. Sometimes it's just easier to be disconnected, just to get through the day. The question I ask myself though is: is that really what I want out of this life I have? I'd rather feel the intensity of being connected, because I know I'll be bringing my true, vulnerable, brave Self to the table and there won't be room for fear...only compassion and love. That in and of itself is scary, but if we all say YES and show up, then we have nothing to lose.
What are you going to be courageous enough to say YES to this year?
In Gratitude,
Sarah
Monday, June 6, 2022
What Else Ya Got, 2022?
Current mood: BRING IT ON.
This year has been one of the hardest years of my life.
Quick recap:
First miscarriage (suspected twins), Dec 2021.
Big move to western mass, in a blizzard (a good thing, but a hard thing), January 2022
Find out we're pregnant again (surprise!), January 2022
Commence puking, exhaustion, inability to settle into new home, Jan-March 2022
Find out we're losing our second baby, March 2022
D&E procedure (first time i have ever had an IV or anestesthia, April 2022
Roe V Wade news gets released, April 2022
Hospital messes up genetic testing on our baby including it's sex, Apirl 2022
Ulvane School shooting, May 2022
Get COVID, June 2022
Were there some great things that happened in there? YES! I got to go on two magical yoga retreats, and I know in my BONES that if I had not had that time to connect with myself I truly would never have survived all the things listed above. I mean it. I would have been crushed. We also gained a new family member in Feb...my niece (who I have yet to meet because of life and covid). We were also HELD BY SO MUCH LOVE and support and light during the darkest months of our lives. There has been plenty of good. But it's been A LOT of not so good and I have hardly processed the half of it. Life doesn't slow down though. It just keeps going and going and going and you have to keep up. So we've somehow kept up. Somehow I haven't been crushed. Yoga, therapy, grief counseling, friends, family, snuggles, ice cream, triathlon training and our new beautiful spacious home have kept me OK.
In the beginning of 2022, my intention for the year was to create more spaciousness, and find more joy. We created a lot more physical spaciousness in our move and it has made things a lot more manageable in many ways-having some actual physical space to be in our grief and to move around without feeling like we were cramped. For a minute, there was also a lot more spaciousness in my heart due to a new baby we thought we were having, but also due to the incredibly meaningful time I got to spend with myself, and my baby on the second retreat I attended in March. I felt new chambers of my heart open up so wide, and a deeper connection with myself than I have ever felt since becoming a mother.
I'm convinced that the spaciousness that was cultivated/discovered is what allowed there to be enough space for all of the grief that came shortly after. Of course, grief IS love, and there was so much space for it within my heart and my body.
As I come out the haze of grief, life moving so fast, navigating my days, organizing our schedules, figuring out how to pivot my work to not be so triggering, training for a triathlon in Sept...I am starting to find joy again. Bits and pieces here and there. Usually, the most joy I have found is when I am moving my body, feeling embodied, and connecting to my physical strength. Last Sunday, I went for a bike ride for the first time in over 2 years. I went out attempting 10 miles, feeling that was a good starting point. About halfway through the ride, I came upon a gnarly hill. I looked at it and literally said out loud "Oh fuck me." In my verbal moment of doubt, still moving forward, two cardinals flitted out in front of me, at the top of the hill, dancing, as if to say "you have done so many harder things than ride up this hill." So I rode up the hill and felt pure exilarating JOY at the top of it. And i completed the 10 mile ride I set out to do.
I have conquered some of the hardest days of my life--not always with grace--but that's not always expected--and I am still standing. Life has been harder on most humans since Jan 2020...but my life has been REALLY hard for the last 6 months. I somehow have not been crushed, but instead have already found ways to appreciate my strength (both physically and emotionally), allowed myself the space I deserve to be a mess, and leaned heavily on all the support I have cultivated over the years of my life.
Tish Melton sings the most beautiful song for my favorite podcast...the name of the song and the podcast "We Can do Hard Things"...there is a line in the song that sings "I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start; I'm not the problem, sometimes, things fall apart..." This resonates deeply this year. I hit rock bottomn in terms of my physical and mental/emotional health (for me), and it is now starting to feel like a brand new start. I get to reinvent how I see and appreciate my body. I have more sacred appreciation and space for boundaries with work and where I put my energy. I'm still working on the trusting the universe piece...some days are easier in that regard than others...but when I do lean into the trust piece, everything usually falls into place.
Do I want MORE challenges to deal with this year? Hell no. Am I going to have them? Most likely yes. Bring it on, 2022...you havent crushed me yet and you never will.
In gratitude,
Sarah
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