The past three weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind. Sometimes time seems to move slower than I ever thought possible, and other times, it seems to just be passing by without me getting a chance to notice everything or anything. I will say, I have not meditated since I found out about Brian. I have had the time, but I have avoided it like the plague, because I guess I am scared of the amount of feelings the silence will stir up. I know that I will know when it's ok to start again...but during a work week this summer, is not a good idea. I think my work weeks are what's making my time go by quickly...12.5 hour days with children can be wonderful, and they can be miserable. The days don't give me time to stop, think or feel...which can be good sometimes...but clearly, that is not a sustainable way to live and I am going to have to feel things sooner or later.
I am experiencing quite a bit of numbness in general. This is the first week that I have had any amount of my regular positive attitude peak it's way back into my life. I have been trying extra hard to notice good things, and appreciate everything I have...but overall I have felt very unmotivated lately, and really enjoyed staying in bed, and eating foods that aren't the best choices for my health. I have been wondering a lot lately: what is the point to everything I am doing? I am so taken aback by how a death can stir up so many questions in my own life about my choices, and where I am, where I might be going. For so long, I have wanted to move out of New England, and experience more of the world...but now I wonder, so I want to move out of New England, or am I running from something? I do know that I HATE the winters we have here...but I also know that I love everyone of my friends and family, and I don't necessarily want to live far away from them all year round. I certainly don't want to stick around Boston, as a city, because I am so NOT a city girl! It's a good experience for now, but not sustainable for more than another year.
But what do I want to do with my life? All I know is that I want to teach yoga, and eventually one day, be a mom. The latter part of that isn't happening for a long time...and the former part...I don't know if I want yoga teaching to be my full time career or not. I would love to do something with kids part time, and teach yoga part time. But what? These questions have been buzzing in my mind so much lately, and I don't think I need a plan right now. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I realize that my compulsive thoughts about the future, is clearly my projection of fear onto so many unknowns and unexpected events happening, like one of my best friends killing himself. Of course I want answers, I want concrete plans, so I can feel secure...but that security is a delusion...it simply doesn't exist. We only have this very moment in time, and nothing else.
Brian's funeral service was the hardest thing I have ever had to go to. I would not have been able to do it without all my amazingly, beautiful, incredible friends, who are like my family from UNH. I am beyond grateful for our friendships, and I owe them so much. There aren't many words I can find to describe what that weekend was like, but since the service, I haven't been the same person. The numbness I described earlier, is like, everything I do, seems a little less important now...not as exciting, because I just feel like a piece of me is missing. I know this won't be this intense forever, and time will heal all of us...but until that time, I am feeling at such a loss in so many areas of my world. I feel like everything I have been doing the past few weeks has been the antithesis of everything I cultivated on retreat. I am just going through the motions...I havent stopped to notice Mother Nature that much at all...I haven't been thinking about what I'm doing...I've just been on auto-pilot and getting things done that need to get done. When will I feel excited about small things again?
Death is part of life...and so is tragedy,...but it doesn't make it any easier when it happens. In fact, it's worse, because on an intellectual level, we know it sucks...but there is no way to prepare someone for shit to hit the fan. And when the shit hits the fan, blows all over the place, man does it just stink...no other way to put it...it stinks...and it's so hard to clean up...the room will never be the same as it was, and neither will my heart. Sorry to use such a graphic example, but it's actually quite accurate.
On a happier note, I've started teaching yoga at Back Bay Yoga, in Boston, which is amazing. I have my own beginner's vinyasa class sunday nights from 7-8:30pm, and I'm really looking forward to having a regular class at a real studio. Thursday is my last day at the gym so I can move on to bigger things. Along with my family and friends...practicing yoga and teaching yoga has helped me through this situation tremendously. In order to teach yoga, one must practice, and I believe live out the principles to a certain extent. So having a regular teaching job has reminded me of many of those principles, and made some situations a bit more graceful than they might have been.
I am so grateful to everyone who has supported me with their love, energy, hugs, phone calls, etc, the past few weeks, and my entire life. I wouldn't be me without you. And I wouldn't be me, without knowing Brian, so for that, Brian, I am forever grateful, and will love you always and forever.
Light and Love,
Sarah
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