This whole year has felt like one challenge after another, with little to no processing time in between all of the challenges. At first, I was really angry about everything, which is my usual initial reaction to things that are uncomfortable, or don't go the way I hoped they would. But my anger was different this time. It was palpable and not going away. My husband even asked at one point "what are you so angry about?" and I couldn't answer him. I felt simulataneously like a victim and a fraud for feeling like a victim and not being strong enough to focus on all the good things that were still part of my life. Postpartum also played a significant role in all of this, with hormones, body shifts, sleep deprivation, and lack of physical space due to the tiny human who insisted on always being attached to me or my breast. I felt like I was suffocating, even though on some level I knew how blessed we were with a roof over our heads, two healthy kids, food in the fridge etc. I just couldn't breathe or get any space or release for my anger.
So I talked with my midwife, we made a plan, and put it into action. I have certainly been feeling better and less angry...but also a lot less connected to myself and my family. My fuse is shorter than I'd like it to be, and I still have quite a bit of that "suffocating" feeling. Exercise, yoga, healthy eating, good night's sleep...all those things help, and I do them as often as I can manage. But I'm noticing that when I see people who I havent seen in a while and they say "hey! how are you? you have TWO kids now! how is that?" my initial reaction is one of "ugh, its just so damn hard. im always tired and never have a minute to do anything for myself." I have been hearing myself say this a lot.
On Saturday, September 15, I had some space, on my mat, with one of my favorite yoga teachers. He talked a lot about clarity, and the mind, and how to access clarity with a specific sequence of poses and technique of breath. At first, I didn't feel too much, and it didn't seem like a challenging workshop. It felt more like a relief to have some space to breathe, and be in my body, which is something that I have been missing a lot. I used to be brought to tears almost daily, by the beauty of life, and the miracles all around us; and i havent done that in a long time. Most of the time my tears lately are due to exhaustion or a feeling of just being so worn out it's all i can do to stay in my body.
That evening, I went to the Ed Sheeran concert with my husband and had such a profound moment. At one point, when he was singing a slower song, he said "if you have a light on your phone, turn it on and hold it up", and within 10 seconds the entire stadium was completely illuminated. I was instantly brought to tears by this pure illumination of human beings all connecting over his music. I also was put in my place in the sense that I really felt how insignficant I am in the big scheme of things. It felt like such a relief to realize how no one in that stadium cared about what I was wearing, or how much I weigh, or if my hair looked nice. I felt so light and free from judgement.
So I have been sitting with all of this and trying to figure out how to maintain some boundaries, some more self trust, and faith in the universe that all of these challenges are here to teach me, and here to allow me to go deeper into my practice as a human being, and be a better mother because that is where everything I do is fueled from. I have realized how damaging I am to myself by constantly comparing myself to others around me, and the main culprit for me is social media. I am never good enough for me. I see pictures of women in bikinis who have had babies, and I instantly feel fat and unworthy. I see fellow yoga teachers make a post about their schedule, or a picture of themselves in an awesome pose with hundreds of likes, and think to myself "I'm never going to have so much recognition like that because...etc etc". It's awful. I have unrealistic expectations of myself to be a supermom, a famous yogi, a "sold out" doula, the perfect wife and ALL THE THINGS. It's time for me to GET REAL. What is this "need" for recognition and "perfection"?
I asked myself this weekend, what if, every time I think of opening instagram or facebook, instead, I just sit for a minute and take a deep breath so I can feel myself in my own skin. So that's what I'm going to do. I'll be taking a long, much needed break from social media to give my mind a rest, and take some space from all the crap that is infultrating me through this mindless scrolling. Social media, and my phone in general has been my main connection to the outside world in these early years of motherhood when I NEED connection to other mothers to survive. But I have my village now, and I have my people. So I plan to trust my village, and my people, and be more present with my kids, with my own breath, and my own experience within each moment as to stop focusing on where I think I "should" be and instead, focus on where I am.
If you read all the way to the bottom, you're amazing. I appreciate you, and whatever role, big or small, you play in my life. Thank you for your attention and your patience and your interest in my words.
For those of you who I primarily communicate with through social media, you can reach out, get my number, or message me through my website, which will be updated with my current schedule, workshops etc. (www.breathe2empower.com)
In Gratitude,
Sarah
