My Dear Sweet Baby Boy,
One month ago today, you blessed your dad and I by coming into the world, a healthy, beautiful miracle of life. As I reflect on the last few weeks of my life, I am humbled by how much you have already taught me about myself, and about life in general. For 9 months, I carried you in my belly, and was pretty miserable the whole time with very uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms. Before you were in my belly I had always dreamed of having a big family. Though, during the last 9 months, I started to doubt my previous desires. However, the moment you came into the world, and were placed onto my chest, I realized why people have many children. During my whole pregnancy, people told me regularly, that "I would forget the pain, and the nausea…nature has a way of making us forget." You see, these people didn't know the first thing about me. I will never forget any of it. I will remember all the vomiting, and the intense pain of labor and delivery. I will remember how much physical sacrifice is necessary to make, in order to grow a human. And I will choose, consciously to do it again. And probably again after that. Because when I look at you, I feel more love in my entire being than I have ever felt in my life. I feel the deepest connection to God, to myself and to your amazing dad. I melt when you fall asleep on my chest in complete surrender and trust in the safety of my arms. Giving birth to you, has made me a better person, and has made me feel whole in a way that is indescribable until you experience it yourself.
If you saw my picture before I was pregnant, you'd probably think I was in pretty good shape…but if you talked with me about how I felt about myself, my thoughts and feelings really didn't line up with reality. I have never been someone who has felt comfortable in my own skin…I have always been looking to change or improve, or 'just lose 5 pounds.' For the last 9 months, I was so sick all the time, that I couldn't exercise and I craved many unhealthy foods, as they were the only ones that made me feel better. I watched myself gain 54 pounds as my belly grew and grew with you in there. But I didn the absolute best I could with every day that presented itself to me. Some days my best was better than other days…but I promised myself I would do my best, because that's all I could do. And this practice of surrender was very humbling. It helped me let go of a lot of judgment I had of myself and my continuously growing body.
Now that you have arrived into the world, I have entered my postpartum stage of recovery, and because of how miraculous you are, and how much I have been opened up and connected to your incredible arrival, I love myself more than I ever have. I stare in the mirror and see soft, droopy skin in places it has never been. I see stretch marks all over my legs, hips and belly. I see puffiness still present all over. And I see a vessel that brought life into this world. I see myself as the most beautiful version of me that I have ever been. I feel like an incredibly natural, beautiful woman with fierce strength that I never knew I had. I have compassion for my stretch marks and admiration for my flabbiness…because all of those things are evidence that I brought you into the world. I did it! I have never been so proud of myself for anything in my life.
In your short time on this earth, you have already taught me how to love myself in a way I never thought I could. You have taught me how strong I actually am, and how to have compassion and softness for the process of healing. I am incredibly grateful to you for choosing me as your mom. I think we will learn equal amounts of life lessons, eye and heart opening lessons, from each other, as we live and grow together.
Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for opening me up. Thank you for your presence, and the chance to slow down my life, re-examine what is important, and connect so deeply to the Spirit of life!
You are loved unconditionally, and in the truest way possible with all the parts of my heart and soul.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
My Birth Story: Jacob Berman Kearns' Arrival
Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. There has always been a something inside me that thrives at the thought of taking care of another life, let alone having the ability to create that life within my own body. So, this birth story starts from the moment that my incredible husband and I decided to create a life, and see where the journey would take us.
We were very lucky, and got pregnant right away. It happened so quickly that I kind of couldn't believe it, and even though we were so thrilled, it took a little bit to set in that it was real! However, it wasn't too long before I started to feel different. I started feeling sick pretty soon into my pregnancy, and that sickness did not leave my side for 9 long months. I had a lot of mental and emotional struggles throughout my pregnancy, because for so many years I had romanticized what I thought being pregnant would be like. It was nothing like I hoped. I was nauseous for 9 months. I gained 52 pounds no matter what I ate, or how much I tried to exercise (when I wasn't throwing up). I felt like I had to sacrifice way more of myself than I ever really thought would be necessary. I felt uncomfortable on a whole new level in my own body and my own company.
What did help me through these long 9 months, was the support of my incredible husband, as well as the support of fellow moms-to-be who could relate on many levels what I was experiencing. If it had not been for these support systems, I would have gone very crazy!
Part of my romanticized version of being pregnant, also included a beautiful, natural water birth to finish out what I thought was going to be a lovely, glowing journey. I was always actually less anxious about giving birth than about actually being pregnant. I truly believe that giving birth is such a natural part of life, that my body was capable, so I didn't have to worry. (at least I was right about one thing!)
Skipping ahead now to the final weeks of my pregnancy…I went in for my routine follow up, the day before I was 38 weeks along, which was Monday, August 25, 2014. For the first time in my life, I had pretty high blood pressure. So, my midwife had be also leave a urine sample to be safe. She listed off the symptoms of high blood pressure that I should be mindful of when I went home, and to call if I felt any of them. Sure enough, the next morning I had about 3 of the 5 symptoms she described. So I called the office to see what I should do. My urine came back with pretty high levels of protein in it, so they wanted me to come into the hospital to be monitored and discuss my options. So, Jesse took the day off from work and drove me in.
After running a few tests, the midwife on call that day came back with my options: be induced that afternoon, or the next day. On Monday, the word induction wasn't even mentioned, and here we were 24 hours later, with induction being our only option, the only variable being which day it would happen. I was incredibly emotional at this news, due to the fact that my dream of a water birth was no longer on the table, but also because it meant that our baby was coming SOON. Not like he wasn't going to come eventually, but this felt really quick all of a sudden!
We decided to take 24 hours to go home, sleep in our own bed, pack up our hospital bags, cuddle with Dixie and calmly return to the hospital the next day. This was the best decision we made. It gave us time to digest the information, have one last night together as a two-some, and also feel somewhat prepared for our drive in the next day.
There have been so many stories of women being induced, in a way that ends in cesarian section. This is what I was most anxious about at this point. I took the night to accept the fact that water birth was off the table, but I still really wanted a natural childbirth, however it was going to happen. So, I went to acupuncture the evening before, and the morning of the day of induction. I shared my concerns with my acupuncturist, and he gave me two very strong induction treatments, and helped me feel more mentally calm for how our lives were about to change forever.
We arrived at the hospital around 2:30pm on Wednesday, August 27. We had to sit around and wait for a bit, and once a labor room opened up, we were moved in there. Around 5:30pm they gave me my first induction treatment. I felt the effects of it right away. For my whole pregnancy, I had been experiencing braxton-hicks contractions…and after this first treatment, I felt them very regularly, accompanied with some light cramping. The nurses were happy with my response, as many women don't start to feel anything until the 3rd or 4th dose. They can give you another dose every 4-6 hours. So around 9:30pm, I had my second dose, and we finished watching The Lion King…because of course we watched that movie the night before having a baby!
I had to be hooked up to a monitor and not eat anything for the first two hours after the treatment, to monitor baby's heartbeat and my contractions. So we fell asleep from about 11:30pm-1am. I woke up to pee, and got right back into bed, feeling exhausted. Once I laid back down, Jesse and I heard this little "pop" from inside my belly. Then I felt like I had to pee again! Alas, my water broke. I went to the bathroom, and right away, had my first contraction. It was INTENSE. From that first contraction on, things progressed incredibly fast. By 2:30am, Jesse called my mom to let her know, she may wanna be on call, because I was cooking…I had no idea how fast things would move so I suggested she leave first thing in the morning. Thirty minutes later, he called her back and said, "you should get in your car now and come to the hospital."
At 3:30am, I was full on pushing. I pushed and pushed with every bit of strength I had in me. I had never felt so much pain in my life. For 38 weeks, my son was perfectly positioned for birth. Three days before I delivered him, he learned how to flip around, and had decided to take full advantage of this liberty. So, he was "sunny side up" during my labor, which puts an incredible amount of pain and pressure on the sacral bone. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, and this was way more than I ever imagined I could handle.
Somewhere around 4:45am, my mom arrived in the delivery room. When she walked in, and asked the midwives how far along things were, and I heard them say, "Oh she is 10 cm dilated. This baby is coming soon." This gave me more strength to keep pushing. I held on to Jesse and my mom for dear life, and pushed for 30 more minutes. At 5:16am on August 28th, Jacob Berman Kearns came into the world, and I have never felt so much pride, and exhilaration in my life. When they handed me our son, right onto my chest, I couldn't believe he came out of me. The past 9 months of sufferable days of vomiting, stretch marks, and exhaustion instantly felt completely worth it to see this absolutely perfect tiny human look into my eyes. It was in that moment that I understood why people have more than 1 children. In that moment, my life changed forever and nothing else mattered in the world except the immeasurable amount of love that filled the room. There is just nothing like it. It was all in that moment that I felt closest to God and more connected to life than ever before. Unfortunately, because my labor was so quick, and Jacob was not in an ideal position, i had A LOT of tearing and about 7 stitches :(. The first 8 days home from the hospital were incredibly challenging, because on top of major swelling, and stitches, I also got a severe UTI to the point where I was stuck in bed all day and all night. This was an incredibly challenging opportunity for me to practice the truth of understanding that everything is temporary and this phase of pain and necessity to completely surrender would pass. Since I have a rockstar husband, who is a rockstar dad, this process was made so much easier.
Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened for me and my beautiful family. I am in awe of our son every moment, and so proud of myself for weathering this experience to the best of my ability. Thank you to our friends and family who have always supported us, and continue to support our growing family and our growing love.
We were very lucky, and got pregnant right away. It happened so quickly that I kind of couldn't believe it, and even though we were so thrilled, it took a little bit to set in that it was real! However, it wasn't too long before I started to feel different. I started feeling sick pretty soon into my pregnancy, and that sickness did not leave my side for 9 long months. I had a lot of mental and emotional struggles throughout my pregnancy, because for so many years I had romanticized what I thought being pregnant would be like. It was nothing like I hoped. I was nauseous for 9 months. I gained 52 pounds no matter what I ate, or how much I tried to exercise (when I wasn't throwing up). I felt like I had to sacrifice way more of myself than I ever really thought would be necessary. I felt uncomfortable on a whole new level in my own body and my own company.
What did help me through these long 9 months, was the support of my incredible husband, as well as the support of fellow moms-to-be who could relate on many levels what I was experiencing. If it had not been for these support systems, I would have gone very crazy!
Part of my romanticized version of being pregnant, also included a beautiful, natural water birth to finish out what I thought was going to be a lovely, glowing journey. I was always actually less anxious about giving birth than about actually being pregnant. I truly believe that giving birth is such a natural part of life, that my body was capable, so I didn't have to worry. (at least I was right about one thing!)
Skipping ahead now to the final weeks of my pregnancy…I went in for my routine follow up, the day before I was 38 weeks along, which was Monday, August 25, 2014. For the first time in my life, I had pretty high blood pressure. So, my midwife had be also leave a urine sample to be safe. She listed off the symptoms of high blood pressure that I should be mindful of when I went home, and to call if I felt any of them. Sure enough, the next morning I had about 3 of the 5 symptoms she described. So I called the office to see what I should do. My urine came back with pretty high levels of protein in it, so they wanted me to come into the hospital to be monitored and discuss my options. So, Jesse took the day off from work and drove me in.
After running a few tests, the midwife on call that day came back with my options: be induced that afternoon, or the next day. On Monday, the word induction wasn't even mentioned, and here we were 24 hours later, with induction being our only option, the only variable being which day it would happen. I was incredibly emotional at this news, due to the fact that my dream of a water birth was no longer on the table, but also because it meant that our baby was coming SOON. Not like he wasn't going to come eventually, but this felt really quick all of a sudden!
We decided to take 24 hours to go home, sleep in our own bed, pack up our hospital bags, cuddle with Dixie and calmly return to the hospital the next day. This was the best decision we made. It gave us time to digest the information, have one last night together as a two-some, and also feel somewhat prepared for our drive in the next day.
There have been so many stories of women being induced, in a way that ends in cesarian section. This is what I was most anxious about at this point. I took the night to accept the fact that water birth was off the table, but I still really wanted a natural childbirth, however it was going to happen. So, I went to acupuncture the evening before, and the morning of the day of induction. I shared my concerns with my acupuncturist, and he gave me two very strong induction treatments, and helped me feel more mentally calm for how our lives were about to change forever.
We arrived at the hospital around 2:30pm on Wednesday, August 27. We had to sit around and wait for a bit, and once a labor room opened up, we were moved in there. Around 5:30pm they gave me my first induction treatment. I felt the effects of it right away. For my whole pregnancy, I had been experiencing braxton-hicks contractions…and after this first treatment, I felt them very regularly, accompanied with some light cramping. The nurses were happy with my response, as many women don't start to feel anything until the 3rd or 4th dose. They can give you another dose every 4-6 hours. So around 9:30pm, I had my second dose, and we finished watching The Lion King…because of course we watched that movie the night before having a baby!
I had to be hooked up to a monitor and not eat anything for the first two hours after the treatment, to monitor baby's heartbeat and my contractions. So we fell asleep from about 11:30pm-1am. I woke up to pee, and got right back into bed, feeling exhausted. Once I laid back down, Jesse and I heard this little "pop" from inside my belly. Then I felt like I had to pee again! Alas, my water broke. I went to the bathroom, and right away, had my first contraction. It was INTENSE. From that first contraction on, things progressed incredibly fast. By 2:30am, Jesse called my mom to let her know, she may wanna be on call, because I was cooking…I had no idea how fast things would move so I suggested she leave first thing in the morning. Thirty minutes later, he called her back and said, "you should get in your car now and come to the hospital."
At 3:30am, I was full on pushing. I pushed and pushed with every bit of strength I had in me. I had never felt so much pain in my life. For 38 weeks, my son was perfectly positioned for birth. Three days before I delivered him, he learned how to flip around, and had decided to take full advantage of this liberty. So, he was "sunny side up" during my labor, which puts an incredible amount of pain and pressure on the sacral bone. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, and this was way more than I ever imagined I could handle.
Somewhere around 4:45am, my mom arrived in the delivery room. When she walked in, and asked the midwives how far along things were, and I heard them say, "Oh she is 10 cm dilated. This baby is coming soon." This gave me more strength to keep pushing. I held on to Jesse and my mom for dear life, and pushed for 30 more minutes. At 5:16am on August 28th, Jacob Berman Kearns came into the world, and I have never felt so much pride, and exhilaration in my life. When they handed me our son, right onto my chest, I couldn't believe he came out of me. The past 9 months of sufferable days of vomiting, stretch marks, and exhaustion instantly felt completely worth it to see this absolutely perfect tiny human look into my eyes. It was in that moment that I understood why people have more than 1 children. In that moment, my life changed forever and nothing else mattered in the world except the immeasurable amount of love that filled the room. There is just nothing like it. It was all in that moment that I felt closest to God and more connected to life than ever before. Unfortunately, because my labor was so quick, and Jacob was not in an ideal position, i had A LOT of tearing and about 7 stitches :(. The first 8 days home from the hospital were incredibly challenging, because on top of major swelling, and stitches, I also got a severe UTI to the point where I was stuck in bed all day and all night. This was an incredibly challenging opportunity for me to practice the truth of understanding that everything is temporary and this phase of pain and necessity to completely surrender would pass. Since I have a rockstar husband, who is a rockstar dad, this process was made so much easier.
Becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened for me and my beautiful family. I am in awe of our son every moment, and so proud of myself for weathering this experience to the best of my ability. Thank you to our friends and family who have always supported us, and continue to support our growing family and our growing love.
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