Always and Forever.

Bear with me through this one...it's gonna be a long one, i can feel it.

The past three weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind. Sometimes time seems to move slower than I ever thought possible, and other times, it seems to just be passing by without me getting a chance to notice everything or anything. I will say, I have not meditated since I found out about Brian. I have had the time, but I have avoided it like the plague, because I guess I am scared of the amount of feelings the silence will stir up. I know that I will know when it's ok to start again...but during a work week this summer, is not a good idea. I think my work weeks are what's making my time go by quickly...12.5 hour days with children can be wonderful, and they can be miserable. The days don't give me time to stop, think or feel...which can be good sometimes...but clearly, that is not a sustainable way to live and I am going to have to feel things sooner or later.

I am experiencing quite a bit of numbness in general. This is the first week that I have had any amount of my regular positive attitude peak it's way back into my life. I have been trying extra hard to notice good things, and appreciate everything I have...but overall I have felt very unmotivated lately, and really enjoyed staying in bed, and eating foods that aren't the best choices for my health. I have been wondering a lot lately: what is the point to everything I am doing? I am so taken aback by how a death can stir up so many questions in my own life about my choices, and where I am, where I might be going. For so long, I have wanted to move out of New England, and experience more of the world...but now I wonder, so I want to move out of New England, or am I running from something? I do know that I HATE the winters we have here...but I also know that I love everyone of my friends and family, and I don't necessarily want to live far away from them all year round. I certainly don't want to stick around Boston, as a city, because I am so NOT a city girl! It's a good experience for now, but not sustainable for more than another year.

But what do I want to do with my life? All I know is that I want to teach yoga, and eventually one day, be a mom. The latter part of that isn't happening for a long time...and the former part...I don't know if I want yoga teaching to be my full time career or not. I would love to do something with kids part time, and teach yoga part time. But what? These questions have been buzzing in my mind so much lately, and I don't think I need a plan right now. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I realize that my compulsive thoughts about the future, is clearly my projection of fear onto so many unknowns and unexpected events happening, like one of my best friends killing himself. Of course I want answers, I want concrete plans, so I can feel secure...but that security is a delusion...it simply doesn't exist. We only have this very moment in time, and nothing else.

Brian's funeral service was the hardest thing I have ever had to go to. I would not have been able to do it without all my amazingly, beautiful, incredible friends, who are like my family from UNH. I am beyond grateful for our friendships, and I owe them so much. There aren't many words I can find to describe what that weekend was like, but since the service, I haven't been the same person. The numbness I described earlier, is like, everything I do, seems a little less important now...not as exciting, because I just feel like a piece of me is missing. I know this won't be this intense forever, and time will heal all of us...but until that time, I am feeling at such a loss in so many areas of my world. I feel like everything I have been doing the past few weeks has been the antithesis of everything I cultivated on retreat. I am just going through the motions...I havent stopped to notice Mother Nature that much at all...I haven't been thinking about what I'm doing...I've just been on auto-pilot and getting things done that need to get done. When will I feel excited about small things again?

Death is part of life...and so is tragedy,...but it doesn't make it any easier when it happens. In fact, it's worse, because on an intellectual level, we know it sucks...but there is no way to prepare someone for shit to hit the fan. And when the shit hits the fan, blows all over the place, man does it just stink...no other way to put it...it stinks...and it's so hard to clean up...the room will never be the same as it was, and neither will my heart. Sorry to use such a graphic example, but it's actually quite accurate.

On a happier note, I've started teaching yoga at Back Bay Yoga, in Boston, which is amazing. I have my own beginner's vinyasa class sunday nights from 7-8:30pm, and I'm really looking forward to having a regular class at a real studio. Thursday is my last day at the gym so I can move on to bigger things. Along with my family and friends...practicing yoga and teaching yoga has helped me through this situation tremendously. In order to teach yoga, one must practice, and I believe live out the principles to a certain extent. So having a regular teaching job has reminded me of many of those principles, and made some situations a bit more graceful than they might have been.

I am so grateful to everyone who has supported me with their love, energy, hugs, phone calls, etc, the past few weeks, and my entire life. I wouldn't be me without you. And I wouldn't be me, without knowing Brian, so for that, Brian, I am forever grateful, and will love you always and forever.

Light and Love,

Sarah

Dedication to Brian

I am slightly at a loss in my heart, my mind and my body. Things have surprised me in my life, and things have even boggled my mind. But never have I been as utterly shocked as I was today. Last night, around 11:30pm I couldn't sleep (this is super late for me to be up). I was feeling so anxious, and felt like I needed to check my facebook...which is really weird, cuz I don't usually go on my computer past 9pm at the latest. I resisted the urge to check it, and rolled over trying to fall asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I felt alert at 6am, and went straight to my computer. Remember that whole elf suspicion I had? Well this morning was one time i REALLY wish I didn't have it. I found out that one of my closest college friends, so dear to my heart, passed away yesterday morning. OH MY GODS. I am betting that I am still in shock, but I don't know where else to turn other than my writing. Typing is easier than journaling with the knots that have resided in my shoulders from this stress, and the pain I feel all over my body. Sitting here, I am trying to recall my day, and it's all a blur. I can't remember the morning that well. All I can remember is feeling lost, scared, and full of more sadness than I ever thought I could feel. I spent the whole morning on the computer trying to feel connected to everyone because I was alone in my apartment and couldn't stop crying.

The sadness I feel is for the loss that everyone will experience in losing our friend, but its mostly rooted in the fear and sadness that my friend must have been feeling. For one person to have that much fear and sadness, is so unbearable, and I hate to think of it, but I can't seem to help it. He was such a HILARIOUS, wonderful person who always lightened the mood of any room, and made everyone smile. He always made me feel like 'one of the guys' and treated me like a sister. I have never lost anyone close to me before. This really is the most heart-wrenching feeling I've ever had. I know it hasn't fully sunk in yet because it still doesn't feel completely real to me. It's not till I sit and actually take a moment to realize that I will never talk to him on the phone again. I will never see him have a huge smile on his face and hear him say "BERMAN!" with a huge hug ready and waiting. He was so much taller than me, he used to pat me on the head and just say, 'love you berman!'

It's true that death is a part of life...and sooner or later, I would have to experience a loss of someone close to me; but my gods it hurts more than I could ever possibly imagine. Everything about it hurts.

Hinch,

I pray to the gods that you are in a more peaceful place, and have found the rest you need. I hope that wherever you are, there is lots of your favorite beer, and endless funny movies for you to memorize and quote directly...but better. Thank you for all the gut-wrenching laughs, the perfect hugs, the philosophical talks...and always being someone I could count on to act like my brother. I love you SO much, and always will. I will miss you SO much, but you will be in my thoughts every single day, and remembered with sincere kindness in your beautiful eyes, and friendly smile. May you be happy, and shine your light upon us, to help us through hard times, and see us through beautiful ones.

Love you always,

Berman