I feel like writing today. Like maybe it will help me release something that I'm unconsciously holding onto. Maybe because I have finally reached my final trimester of pregnancy, there is something inside me that knows when the day comes to deliver this baby, its going to be about letting go of so much. This whole pregnancy has been about letting go, and it's been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't think I've done a very graceful job of it so far, but then again, we never are able to see ourselves accurately through our own eyes. Some days I feel so proud of myself for just getting out of bed, and doing the best I can do. Other days, I constantly think I can do better and can't stop beating myself up over so many little things. I know on some level that many of my ups and downs are very much connected to the insane pregnancy hormones, that feel like they control my life…but it doesn't make the feelings any less real. Generally in my life, I have felt that I am a very articulate person, and since I've been pregnant, I have felt like a blabbering ball of nonsense, which makes me cry a lot. I feel so much at once, all the time, it seems easier to just cry rather than try and explain what is going on. I think I feel a lot of resentment towards our culture in the sense that it feels like there really just is not a supportive community around pregnancy, and what really happens. I feel like I am constantly craving support and empathy from others, and when I don't get it, I feel like people are annoyed with how needy I seem to be. Of course much of this could just be in my head because I'm vulnerable and sensitive to everything right now…but again, does that make it any less real?
I pride myself on being a good friend. A friend who listens, who shows up when needed, and who is loyal and present. I have not been a good friend to anyone, especially myself lately, because I have been so consumed with feeling so sick during this pregnancy. So sick, and so incredibly uncomfortable in my changing body that I no longer seem to connect with on a regular basis. I don't feel sexy anymore, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, and I certainly don't enjoy my own company because I'm never feeling healthy and well. I feel spiritually disconnected, which is bizarre to me, because I always thought that creating a life would make me the most connected I could ever be. I feel like this pregnancy has set the course for a whole new identity that I didn't really want, or think I needed…and it's so easy to feel lost and consumed by the whole experience. I haven't been able to sit down, and genuinely talk with someone about the deeper emotions and experiences of this pregnancy, and I don't know if I will be able to, because I don't know if that person exists. I don't think I have ever felt so spiritually lost or disconnected before, and it's very startling and scary to just feel like I'm moving through space each day, kind of going through the motions.
I find it therapeutic to laugh at many of the changes and challenges pregnancy brings, but I also feel like it protects me from digging deeper to the actual emotion behind the "funny anger" or "hilarious frustration" of this whole experience. I had no idea everything would feel so challenging. I had no idea I would feel sick the whole time. I really just had no idea how hard everything would be. And I think the reason letting go is the most challenging part of life for me right now, is because I am still so sad that I haven't enjoyed much of this pregnancy. I wanted to enjoy it, I wanted all my expectations to be accurate. I wanted to feel beautiful and full of life and joy. And all of my expectations have just been crushed one after another. It's like I have no time to grieve, and I just have to let go, but I can't. I feel stuck and incapable of moving forward, because I don't know how to just feel sick, and accept it. I don't know how to accept the discomfort in my own skin. I don't know how to not judge everything I do. And all of these things hold me back but I don't know how to let go.
I don't want to be fixed. I don't think I am broken. But I am going through a major life change, and I don't know how to deal with so many feelings and anxieties that accompany the whole transition. There are so many things I want to do, but simply don't have the energy or physical capability to do right now, and it's incredibly hard for me to accept that. It's isolating and frustrating and upsetting and makes me cry. Like everything else.
How do I find joy and acceptance in something so incredibly unexpectedly and fiercely challenging?
