Angel Dream

So, I already have been slacking! woops. i meant to take note of lovely things i have seen all week. Last night I said, "holy smokes! it's already the 9th tomorrow!"

To be honest, it's been a long week. I realize that i havent had a day off in 13 days, because I say yes too much. I felt completely burnt out wednesday, but when i finally made it home after 2 hours of riding the T, back and forth and wandering in the rain, seeing Jesse made everything ok. His hugs are the best.

However, my dream last night, I believe makes up for my lack of participation in my own love challenge.

So, it started off really weird. Jesse and I were looking at wedding dresses. And we were looking in the window at a "vera wang" dress, the manican who looked like she hadnt eaten in 3 weeks, CAME ALIVE! She had eyes like charcoal, like they were all pupils and she was so scary. but she walked right past us like we werent there. Then all the manicans in the store started coming alive! (Bear with me, it gets better). So all of a sudden I started to notice a difference between some of them. Some of them were angels, and others were demons! The angels were looking at Jesse and I with pure LOVE, and the demons didn't know we were there, they just walked aimlessly with black eyes. Right before I woke up, a child angel, dressed in white came over and touched my arm, and said "You know he is the one" with a smile that could melt an iceberg.

It might sound really weird, but it was SO cool. It felt like the message she was trying to tell me was that even when I have an exhausting week, and feel burnt out, or doubt myself, its all ok because i've found my soul mate and we have committed to spending our lives together. A lot of people never get this chance, but I have, and I'm so grateful.

More on love, tomorrow :)

I'm obsessed with this song, and i have never heard such beautiful, elegant, from the heart poetry in the lyrics. it's like the epitome of LOVE. enjoy <3


Turning Pagei've waited a hundred years.but i'd wait a million more for you.nothing prepared me forwhat the privilege of being yours would do.
if i had only felt the warmth within your touch,if i had only seen how you smile when you blush,or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,i would have known what i was living for all along.what i've been living for.
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/turning-page-lyrics-sleeping-at-last.html ]your love is my turning page,where only the sweetest words remain.every kiss is a cursive line,every touch is a redefining phrase.
i surrender who i've been for who you are,for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.if i had only felt how it feels to be yours,well, i would have known what I've been living for all along.what i've been living for.
though we're tethered to the story we must tellwhen i saw you, well, i knew we'd tell it wellwith a whisper, we will tame the vicious seaslike a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees.

December Love

Alas, it has been a LONG time since I've taken the time, space and energy to write a new blog entry. Where to begin? yikes. My life has been full of beautiful happenings. So full.

Many of you know the scoop: I moved in with the love of my life, who asked me to marry him in august! I have picked up more yoga classes and now teach a comfortable 12-14 classes a week, and LOVE every second of my job.

Many of you also know: 2010 was a rough year. Real rough. I have realized that in the chaos of 2010, the sadness, the pain, that 2011 felt better for being a fresh start, but also a lot more beautiful things happened that I was able to recognize and appreciate. Though, in the beautiful happenings of 2011, some residue from 2010 was definitely hanging out. As we enter the final month of a lovely year, I've been reflecting quite a bit about things in general. My life has come to place where I can establish time to take enough space and time for myself to feel h

ealthy and happy. I live closer to the city, closer to the studios, and spend significantly less time traveling from studio to studio. In allowing the 2010 residual to run it's course, I am feeling more open, more alive and safer in myself than i ha

ve in a long time.

In allowing myself to take the space to let the events of 2010 sink in, I am able to move forward a stronger person for it all. Time does heal, let me tell you!

So, as I rode the train home today from an AMAZING body work session with the talented and loving David Vendetti at south boston yoga, i saw something that has re-inspired this blog. I've decided that in honor of 2011, which has been filled with love and support from SO many people in my life, I am going to take a "December challenge" of posting once a day about LOVE...

this might in the form of a picture, or a poem, or lyrics to a song i can't stop listening to. But i am going to highlight all the LOVE i can

find this month and spread it as much as i can so you can feel as much love as possible as you move through you holiday season and into a new year.

Light and Love,

Sarah

"Being Human" --Naima Pettiman

I wonder if the sun debates dawn

some mornings

not wanting to rise

out of bed

from under the downfeather horizon.

If the sky grows tired

of being everywhere at once

adapting to the mood swings of the weather.

If the clouds drift off

trying to hold themselves together

make deals with gravity

to loiter a little longer.

I wonder if rain is scared

of falling

if it has trouble letting go

If snowflakes get sick

of being perfect all the time

each one trying to be one-of-a-kind.

I wonder if stars wish

upon themselves before they die

if they need to teach their young how to shin.

I wonder if shadows long

to once feel the sun

if they got lost in the shuffle

not knowing where they're from.

I wonder if sunrise and sunset

respect each other

even though they've never met.

If volcanoes get stressed

If storms have regrets

If compost believes in life after death.

I wonder if breath ever thinks

about suicide

I wonder if the wind just wants to sit

still sometimes

and watch the world pass by.

If smoke was born knowing how to rise

If rainbows get shy backstage

not sure if their colors match right.

I wonder if lightening sets an alarm clock

to know when to crack

If rivers ever stop

and think of turning back.

If streams meet the wrong sea

and their whole lives run off track.

I wonder if the snow wants to be black.

If the soil thinks she is too dark

If butterflies want to cover up their marks

If rocks are self-conscious of their weight

If mountains are insecure of their strength.

I wonder if waves get discouraged

crawling up the sane

only to be pulled back again

to where they began.

I wonder if land feels stepped upon,

If sand feels insignificant

If trees need to question their lovers

to know where they stand.

If branches waver in the crossroads

unsure of which way to grow

If the leaves understand they're replaceable

and still dance when the wind blows.

I wonder where the mood goes when she is hiding

I want to find her there

and watch the ocean

spin from a distance.

Listen to her

stir in her sleep.

This poem was read to me on the meditation retreat and it helped bring so much clarity to my understanding of being human. I hope it gives you goosebumps :)

Space

The time has come! I think I'm ready to share my experience of this year's meditation retreat, for those of you curious. I of course don't exactly know where to start, but I suppose I have already started :)

Upon driving to the retreat I had some serious anxiety. What was I about to face in myself this week? Would I like it? Would it be healing? Would it be painful? I called my mom and cried my eyes out.

When I drove up to the center, the peace and quiet was palpable. I felt better at once. It felt so good to be back.

After unpacking my things in my room and meeting my room mate, (who i knew!--crazy!), i walked around, exploring, wondering. We had our dinner and welcome talk that evening, and then the "nobel silence" began. Nobel silence being, no speaking, no eye contact (on purpose), no cell phones, computers or ipods. No books and preferably no journals but that wasnt reinforced.

They really set up a space to create a quiet bubble of safety in this silence...and it works...wow does it work.

For the first three days I was so restless. I couldn't settle in to any of the sitting periods, and it was so hard to stop. In stopping, I found that i was exhausted. I slept 10 hours a night, and needed a 2 hour nap each day for the first 3 days. It was like I hadn't slept in months.

On day 4, I started to feel the quiet seep into myself a bit more. I was confronted with a lot of emotions, some of which were anger, sadness and frustration. And even though these emotions don't sound pleasant, which they weren't...it felt good to feel them. It felt so good to feel them in a place of such safety. No one was judging my anger or telling me to calm down or push it away. No one was pitying my tears and telling me it was going to be ok. It just felt so good to FEEL.

On the 5th day, I realized why I came on the retreat. Complete peace and quiet seeped into my every cell. For the first time in a year, my heart didn't hurt, my head wasn't stressing, and my body felt really rested. On this day, i found true equanimity for a full 4-5 hours. I have never felt so peaceful in my life. In these 5 hours I had so many realizations, and was able to accept them completely without judgment.

First of all, I realized how wound up I was before I came on the retreat. I cannot believe how quickly I was moving, how extremely I was multi-tasking, and how judgmental I was of myself and everyone. I couldn't stop before this retreat! I filled my days with too many things to get done, and stressed out when I didn't finish them. I set expectations of myself that were unrealistic and got angry with myself when I didn't exceed them!

Why was I doing this? Over the last year, a lot of emotional traumatic things happened in my life. After returning from last years retreat, I ended a bad relationship, my dear friend killed himself, and a close family member had cancer. And I was wondering why I didn't want to stop? Not really. I realized in these 5 peaceful hours that all my running around had been my coping mechanism to protect my heart. I had seriously disassociated from my body, from my feelings, to just keep going. In the couple of months leading up to the decision to go on this retreat, I had noticed how disconnected I was feeling, and that's why I decided to go. I guess I just didn't realize how intense the disconnection had become.

In those 5 life-changing hours, I was able to understand myself in a way I've never experienced. I am human. Human's have this incredible range of emotions and abilities. My body did what it needed to do to keep going in this last year, and my mind disconnected from a lot of it. But that's ok! I realize that it's good that I did it! I had been feeling like my sense of intuition was dwindling because I was starting to notice the disconnection that had happened, but really it never left! Because i KNEW i needed this retreat, and I listened to my heart and took the time to go. The best way to describe those 5 hours? Coming home.

As the peace and quiet started to pass (because it won't stay forever even though we grow attached to it) it was ok that it passed, because I could only feel full of gratitude for experiencing them at all. I cried a lot. I felt a lot. I came home to myself and that feeling of coming home has burnt itself into my heart. It's amazing.

Re-adjusting to my daily life was a shock to say the least. I am no longer allowing myself to multi-task the way I was (nor do I even feel that it is possible now that I have all this space to see). I turn my phone off at night. I do one thing at a time so I can give my attention to that one thing and not spread myself too thin. I feel a huge improvement in my teaching, because I have reconnected with my own heart, so I can speak from it. It's the most beautiful feeling, and it's exactly what I needed from that retreat. I am still adjusting, and making changes here and there to accommodate a slower, more mindful lifestyle, at my own pace :).

I feel like I have only touched the surface of what I was able to absorb in those 7 days of silence, but hopefully you enjoyed reading this. I will certainly be participating in meditation retreats as long as I live. Thanks for reading :)

Om Shanti, Light and Love

Sarah

JOOOOOOOOS

This week I chose to do a JOOS cleanse.

Day 1: felt great, but at the end of the day i could feel the lack of sugar in my day settling in a dull ache right behind my eyes. slept great, felt rested for day 2

Day 2: All i could think about was a giant grilled cheese sandwich. i'd say this has been the hardest day so far. but i stuck to the program and slept great.

Day 3: JOOS didn't deliver in the morning so i was pretty hungry. found my own JUICE and vegan lunch, made it work. felt REALLY hungry last night

Day 4: Had to have a breakfast this morning, but i made it healthy with the JOOS. oatmeal with cinnamon and strawberries.

30 classes in 30 days!

So for the month of april, i've decided since it's my birth month, I should start the month of my 25th year off extra healthy. my new challenge is 30 yoga classes in 30 days.

April 1: Vinyasa with Deep Relaxation. awesome start, felt great!

April 2: Hip Hop Yoga. Fantastic adjustments, feel amazing...getting deeper in my twists and feeling so excited about it because it means my back is healing.

April 3: taught 3 classes, assisted one. didn't get a practice in but feeling SO inspired by my students. still flying high this morning and gearing up for a great day!

April 4: taking two classes today. one at SASY: vinyasa, and one at BBY: vinyasa. EXCITED!

April 5: Hip Hop Yoga at SASY, the Chronical Show filmed...class was off the hook!

April 6: 12pm lunch flow with Kate at Karma, AND 5:45 vinyasa with Ame over at North End!

April 8: Master Class with Natasha at BBY...she kicked my asana in parivrtta triko! woah!

April 9: my back is in bad shape today...i tried a little practice with Caroline for our mentorship, but had to rest on my mat for most of it.

April 10: teaching two classes today, we'll see how my back is feeling for a practice before my class tonight. i'm making an appointment to get it re-aligned, and this challenge might be put on hold until it's feeling better!

April 11: BREAK. wait till i can get my back adjusted. Also busted my knee on the car door pretty hard. eeeek

April 12: Hip Hop at SASY...great amazing adjustments from Lynne for my back

April 13: back is getting looked at, and im teaching two classes. no practice, to let the back work settle in.

April 14: 12:15-1:15 Vinyasa with Goldie...took it super slow and mindful, did most of my practice with my eyes closed. really good.

April 15: Vinyasa with Deep Relaxation. amazing

April 16: YOGA REHAB with Kevin Courtney. felt stoney all day. such an amazing practice. back feels fantastic.

April 17: Vinyasa with Ame. Breath work was challenging on a few levels, but very amazing how it brought my attention to focus.

April 18: Forrest with Peter. First forrest class...challenging.

**So far, this challenge has been very interesting. I have definitely felt more calm in general, and my reaction to things is on a much more controlled level...less reactionary, and more mindful. Today, I had a hard realization though. Self-forgiveness is A LOT easier said than done. Holding poses, surrendering to them, and letting yourself let go, is all a metaphor for how you handle yourself in your daily life. That's the most beautiful part of yoga to me. Asana is just a gateway to how we live our lives, treat our selves, our bodies, minds and hearts. My meditation practice has suffered severely since Brian's death, and I have found a lot of resistance lately to hold poses for extended periods of time. I have noticed a lot of tightness in my body that wasn't always there, and I know it's because I've closed a lot up since last year. I wonder if participating in a loving-kindness Metta meditation retreat would not only open my heart, but also release a lot of holding in my body. With forgiveness also comes love...so with self-forgiveness, self love can follow, and that's what I'm looking for. Definitely in the habit of practicing every day now which is fantastic. **

April 19: Hip Hop Yoga at SASY-off the hook as always :)

April 20: hip hop with Goldie at BBY, and then Anti-gravity Yoga in RI at Raffa Yoga-this was amazing! my back feels awesome, and I have major yoga high and giggles from all the swinging and upside-down-ness. I high recommend trying this class!

April 21: Some rest, body needs a little break! teaching 3 classes today :)

April 22: Reconnecting to my own roots in honor of earth day: home practice!

April 23: my birthday = teaching, but no taking...GREAT day

April 24: Raging head ache = nap

April 25:

April 26: HHY at SASY

April 27: Vinyasa with Todd over at SBY

April 28: subbed HHY so no time to practice

April 29: not feelin' so hot.

April 30: taught twice, and assisted HHY...no time :(

So, my 30 classes in 30 days didn't happen. But it's ok! i just wanted to get myself into a better habit of a more regular practice and i did! i feel great, decided to do a JOOS cleanse the week after this challenge and it was a great choice! Non-attachment here is key :) it was a fun goal, and maybe i'll meet it another month!

inhale, to exhale.

I have done my best to stay true to my february post, about march. I realize it has been 6 weeks since I've posted, but that's because I've been enjoying my new schedule, and trying to keep the faith that I made the right decision. I still believe that I have chosen correctly :)

Today, I had a moment and felt inspired to write about it tonight. I realized in this moment that I had, that my new decisions and all these new changes have started to change me and my ability to react, or not react to certain situations.

Leading up to this moment:

On sunday, I had to leave my other half, and say "see ya" for 2 weeks. Now, two weeks is not the end of the world, this i know, but it does feel like a long time. He literally completes any missing or unbalanced parts of me, so to not see him for 2 weeks sometimes feels like a lifetime (especially after such a lovely weekend together). So feeling kinda low, I went to teach my sunday night class, and felt a lot better after.

On monday, I went home to NH for an eye appointment, only to find out I needed glasses, that were going to cost me a lot of money. Feeling kinda bummed, I went home, had a glass of wine, took some deep breaths and went to sleep.

On tuesday, I get asked be the maid of honor in one of my best girlfriend's wedding. Super high and excited! I spent the afternoon at the studio, teaching and taking class, and feeling great.

Today, I found out that instead of getting a regular class at a studio I was really hoping to teach at, I am being added to the sublist instead; which is totally fine, but I of course got my hopes up a bit and felt a little disappointed.

So, on my way to class to teach this afternoon, I was reflecting on the many ups and downs of my week so far. Though I reacted to these ups and downs, my reactions felt controlled, and not too dramatic. I do feel very frazzled today, but I was overcome with a tremendous sense of comfort in the thought of going to teach yoga. I felt comforted by being in a studio, on my mat, with my breath. Being able to spread this love, this breath, this comfort to other people...that's why I want to teach yoga, all the time. It was another very clear reminder of how our asana practice can be such a wonderful reflection of our lives off the mat. One day a certain pose becomes super difficult, and with practice, it becomes more accessible. One day a certain person, place or thing becomes super irritating, but with practice it becomes just another part of your day. I don't think that the goal should be to eliminate the irritating people, places or things. I think the goal should be to face them, and witness your own reaction to them. When we are able to witness ourselves in different situations, then there is space for breath, contemplation, peace, controlled reaction, or non-reaction. And recognizing that some days this will be easier than others. The days that are harder to do this, are not bad days, but opportunities to learn, grow, and try again.

Today I felt as if I was sort of witnessing the events of my week thus far, assessing my reactions, and felt some space around everything. But please, don't think I'm a saint...I flipped out at the TV tonight because I was trying to unplug the cable cord to reconnect it somewhere else to try and record a show on the VCR. I couldn't do it and I got SO mad. I felt heat rising in my body and got pissed off. I decided to walk away, sit down and ask myself why I was so pissed. I really want to see a show tomorrow night that I won't be around to watch. Is my life going to suck if I don't see it? NO. So take a deep breath and let it go. It's a show.

So, we're in a constant flux of emotions. As long as we're able to make it to the place of questions, self-inquiry, and non-attachment, then that's what counts. The ups and downs are where we can learn the most about ourselves which is a gift in itself. It's the journey of life, which we are blessed to be a part of as long as we are on this earth.

Inhale non-attachment, exhale frustration.

Inhale compassion, exhale judgment.

Inhale space, exhale holding.

Inhale love, exhale hate.

Inhale, to exhale.

Light and Love,

Sarah

March is for Me.

March is for yoga::March is for me.

March is for new beginnings

full of strength and courage,

faith and hope, love and peace.

March is for meditation

full of healing and wisdom,

listening and space, stillness and light.

March is for smiling

with heart and mind,

body and soul, earth and sky.

March is for loving

fearless and passionate

full and true, old and new.

March is for gratitude

to spring and flowers,

warmth and beauty, stirring and waking.

March is for breathing

slow and steady,

inhale to exhale, exhale to inhale.

March is for dancing

wild and free,

spacious and grounded, songs to sing.

March is for acceptance

of Brian and death,

life and fullness, tears and release.

March is for prayer

for freedom and happiness

mind and body, health and peace.

March is for family and friends

full of support and wishes,

acceptance and joy, compassion and patience.

March is for creativity

to move and stay still,

connect and reconnect, laugh and cry.

March is for celebration

of life and death

faith and hope, healing and moving.

March is for yoga::March is for me.

Faith, Love, and Yoga

Only one post in January? I was a slacker! January was filled of a lot of big choices and the tip of some big transitions to be made! I finally have taken that giant leap of faith: quit my nanny job to pursue my dream of becoming a full time yoga teacher. It feels so invigorating, energizing, exactly what I needed to do! I haven't felt this light hearted in a long time. That's how I know it's time. Time for change! This time, I am very excited, and not even overwhelmed by such a big choice. I have this unbelievable amount of faith and trust in my decision. I know in my heart that I need to do this because it's what I dream to do. Everything seems to be aligning for this decision. I have been less stressed, less anxious, and happier. My last day is March 4th, and then I'm jumping into yoga yoga and more yoga!

This whole process has been so healing on many levels. It has given me so much space. I realize that I haven't allowed that space to be, because healing can be so painful sometimes. I took Kevin Courtney's workshop this weekend at Back Bay Yoga. He said something saturday morning that resinated with me so strongly, it brought me to tears in the middle of class. He said (because his teacher said) that often times when we feel pain in a pose, it can often actually be the fear of pain that we are feeling. woah. For many reasons this hit home in the best possible way. I needed to hear that so badly. I know that I have been closed up and have had a heavy heart since june 30th when Brian died. And I've been scared of losing other friends, family. I've been an anxious mess most of the time...trying to put a smile on for people to believe. And when we said those words, something seemed to release itself. It felt like the beginning of a beautiful healing process. My intention for march is to come back to my meditation practice, and really heal this fear, anxiety and sadness. March is for me, march is for my students, march is for the beauty of yoga and the wonderful energy it brings the world.

This whole process has also reminded me how important it is to keep faith in my dreams, in myself, and in the universe. It's so easy to get caught up in the drama of so many situations, so many possibilities. And I'm sure I still will get caught up in it all from time to time. But if I can diminish that "time to time" to be more seldom, then I'm making progress :).

I have also been reminded on such a deep, beautiful, wonderful level, how important it is to LOVE. Love, and be loved. The amount of support I have already received through this decision has been so wonderful. Everyone has said congratulations, or helped me through the actual decision making, and given me so much love. It's so important to recognize that love and embrace it with everything I have, so I can give it back to the universe.

So my new mantra for 2011, is of course:

Faith, Love, and Yoga.

Cheers to 2011!

Light and Love,

Sarah

Breathe in, 2011!

I've finally found the time to sit down and write in 2011! Even though I've been busy, this year feels like it has much more promise than 2010 to be a great year! It's seriously as though the stars or the planets re-aligned to be in a better place starting january 1, because I feel much more alive, positive and excited for this year than last year. I'm happy to feel like I'm coming out of my slump, and ready to rock 2011! It seems as though many people had a rough year is 2010 and their 2011 is already taking a turn for the better as well. Collective energy? Whatever it is, I'm excited for it!

There of course is a lesson or two in everything as well, and it's of course easier to reflect upon when I'm in a more positive place instead of feeling so overwhelmed. My biggest new years resolution for 2011 is to not be so hard on myself. When I teach my yoga classes, I am always encouraging my students to listen to their bodies, listen to their hearts, because if they listen, their bodies and/or hearts will tell them what they need. I truly do believe this, or I wouldn't say it...but I have realized on a deep level this year that, that is often easier said than done. So in order to practice what I preach, I am actively taking the time this year to sit and listen to my body or my heart, and follow what they need. Even though it's only the 8th day of the year, I feel SO much better. For example, today, I REALLY wanted to go to Hip Hop yoga at Back Bay with Lynne in the new studio space. But since tuesday, I have been nursing a shoulder injury. I am feeling better today, but when I sat down and really listened, my body told me to take one more day of rest before getting back on the horse. Now I know what I should do, I have surrendered to the decision, and I'm not stressed about it anymore!

In my opinion, what decreasing stress really boils down to, is having faith. I tend to have an easy time believing that "everything works out for a reason" when I'm in a good place. But when things get overwhelming, I have a very hard time keeping faith that everything will work out ok...even though it does pretty much every time. Another resolution is to try to remember to breathe, and know that everything will work out the way it should, as it always does.

In reality, all we have is right now, so it's important to learn from our pasts, but it's equally if not more important to not dwell on what's gone, and focus on right now. Each moment is new, each breath can renew, each exhale can cleanse, each day is a blessing.

I hope 2011 will be as beautiful as you can allow it to be :)

Light and Love,

Sarah