This post is not for the faint of heart. It's going to be vulgar. It's going to be intense. It's probably going to hit home for some, and turn the rest of you off. It's about the fourth trimester of pregnancy that not enough people talk about, with real honesty.
Having a baby is the biggest life changer there is. I don't care what anyone else says. It's the biggest, most life changing, intense, emotional experience on the planet. It changes you physically, hormonally, energetically, emotionally and spiritually. It changes your relationships near and far. It changes the way you see everything, especially yourself. You choose to bring a whole entire person into this world, and then raise it to hopefully turn into someone who isn't a total asshole. But guess what? For me, having a baby turned ME into a temporary asshole. For 8 weeks, I didn't sleep, or eat healthy, and I questioned every minute of every day WHY I HAD ANOTHER BABY. WHY did I ruin my family? I had all the thoughts that no one wants to every talk about: did I make the biggest mistake of my life? I don't like being this child's mother. I want to leave her at a fire station. I want to duct tape her mouth shut so she stops crying. If i shake her, will she shut up?
Know what follows those thoughts? THE WORST KIND OF GUILT IMAGINABLE. Then the thoughts come back anyway. Then the guilt. Then the thoughts. Then the guilt. It's near impossible to see anything clearly when you're so sleep deprived, and physically recovering from birthing human being. A human being that bites your nipples, screams in your face, shits all over the place and steals all your sleep. It's miserable. And everyone just talks about how sweet the baby is. And how it's all temporary. Guess what? When someone tells a sleep deprived, hormonal, uncomfortable woman that "it's all temporary" ....well...it makes me want to tell everyone to fuck off. I KNOW ITS TEMPORARY. BUT IM MISERABLE RIGHT NOW. I don't need a fucking solution. I need some empathy and a listening ear. I need compassion for my temper tantrums. And i need a fucking nap.
Do you know how many times I have attempted to sit down and write this? I don't even know. The baby never wants to be put down, and you no longer have any space of your own. By the end of the day, I'm so touched out, I dont even want a hug from my husband because it feels like too much.
Then there's the fact that NOTHING FITS. My body is a saggy, smooshy mess of postpartum mush. Of course this isn't a compassionate way to talk about my body that just brought life into the world. But this is how it feels. There is NOTHING SEXY about birth and all the fluids that seem to pour out of you for weeks and weeks and weeks. There isn't time to exercise, and there is barely time to meal plan let alone meal prep, to eat healthier choices. So, stuck in this body until the next phase it is.
Then all of a sudden, your baby starts sleeping a little longer, and not always on you. You get a few minutes here and there to breathe without your space closing in on you. Or, something clicks, and you're able to accept that things are the way they are until they aren't, and it's not so bad. You get to know this little person you made, and s/he gets to know you. Your energies start to merge a bit more, and feel more symbiotic. Sometimes you even get an entire 5 minutes to shower!! (I SAID SOMETIMES). Even better, you get a chance to sit down and write it all out. Maybe you even get a date with your other person who you made this child with. And you start to think back on the last few months of blurry, exhausting, traumatic life changing events.
I'm still working through the guilt of my shitty thoughts towards this helpless human I chose to give life to. I'm still uncomfortable in my body and wish these last 25 pounds would just melt off. I'm still waiting to feel the desire of hugging my husband, let alone snuggle with him. I'm still adjusting to life with 2 children, both of whom need me just as much, in very different ways and some smiliar ways. I'm waiting to not feel so burnt out, and taking measures to help alleviate that feeling when I can. I'm also working on remembering that I AM ONLY HUMAN. Those thoughts and tantrums don't make me a bad mom. I'm a great mom. It's just REALLY HARD for me to do everything for everyone else, and not feel like I have enough left of myself, or know who I am anymore.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. That makes it a little easier. I'm sure this post isn't going to go viral, or change the way we see mothers in the first few months of a new person's life (though we expect WAY TOO MUCH of them in our culture). But I do hope that my honesty makes at least one person feel less shitty about their experience, and that as long as you're doing the best you can every day, then you're fantastic.
It's time now, to move forward and use these little people as our teachers, because whether we like it or not, they are mirrors to our souls and we can become incredibly attuned to ourselves and therefore each other if we let ourselves be open to all they have to teach us, and all we can see if we're willing to really look.
Fourth Fucking Trimester: ITS NO JOKE.
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