I am very aware of my intensity as a person, a friend, a lover, and a woman. I am very passionate about love, and certain beliefs I have. I am also open to hearing other people's opinions, beliefs and feelings. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, or like what I have to say, or understand how I feel. If I did expect that, I would be constantly disappointed!
However, I would be lying if I said I didn't have expectations of what my life would be like once I got pregnant. I would also be lying if I said part of those expectations included feeling beautiful, magical, and amazing for creating a life inside my own body. Not only did I expect that, I wanted it so bad. I wanted to feel like a goddess, and be graceful, in mind, body and spirit. I find myself still disappointed that I haven't been able to accept so many things about my experience so far. I feel bad about how much I complain, and how miserable I feel through most days. I feel like I am doing a bad job most of the time, because I haven't accepted so many of these difficult challenges that my pregnancy has presented me with. I feel bad that after a long day of work, my husband comes home to his wife lying on the couch, with swollen feet, a barfy tummy, and a general bad attitude. These past 8 months have been some of the hardest months of my life in many ways.
I will say though, that in many ways, I have also gained an even deeper appreciation for what true love really is in these last 8 months. I am still able to recall the extreme joy and gratitude I felt when my pregnancy test read "positive." I am still able to recall the very deep need to create a life with the man I couldn't imagine living in this world without…and being blessed enough for it to happen so easily. My need and desire to start adding to our family felt as necessary as breath, water and food is for us to survive. It's the only thing that made sense for us to do. And when faced with so many physical, mental and emotional challenges through these last 8 months of building this baby inside my body, I hold onto the fact that our love is what created this experience (along with biology, I know).
Love isn't always rainbows, and fairytale endings. Sometimes love is messy, and sometimes it's exhausting, and challenging. But the truest kind of love, I believe, is always constant, reliable, stable, and trustworthy. It reminds us to be kind, compassionate, and to soften. We are all searching for it in one way or another. Maybe we seek it in a life partner, or from a parent, or family member, a pet, or a friend. But we need it to survive. It's crucial for our existence as a human race to continue living and thriving.
These last eight months in some ways, have been a test of my relationship with my husband, but I think more so than anything, they have been a test to my relationship with myself. My husband has met every single challenge with incredible strength, grace, wisdom and support. He reminds me every day why we made this conscious decision to become parents together. When all I want to do is throw up, cry, and run away from my discomfort, he tells me I'm beautiful and that I'm doing a really good job. He tells me how much he appreciates the sacrifices I am making to create our family. And he actually means everything he says. So, no matter how negative I am, he always listens, he always finds a strength I have to point out to me.
So, why can't I believe him? Why can't I see what he sees? All I can seem to do is look ahead to a time where I have my body back, and don't feel so damn nauseous all the time. I doubt myself every day. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and don't like looking in the mirror. I haven't accepted this new body, or experience with any kind of grace. But then: then I think about holding our son for the first time, and everything seems to just melt into a puddle of neutral territory. I think about how much I already deeply love this child inside of me, and how I want to make sure nothing bad will ever happen to this incredible being that is growing as a result of the truest love I have ever known. And that thought is all it takes for me to know that all the struggle is worth it. My current particular struggles are all temporary. I will have future struggles. We all will. But the one thing that will always be constant, stable, comforting and trustworthy, is our love. Our love for each other. Our love for our family. Our love for the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. It's the most powerful feeling I have ever felt. It brings inspiring words, feelings and insights to the surface. It softens us, and makes us so human. It illuminates how truly vast our capacity is to heal, ourselves and one another.
The more love there is in the world, the more compassion, healing and acceptance naturally follows. So far, these last 8 months have sent my mind to places I never saw them going, and opened my heart even wider than I ever thought possible. So what will the next 8 months bring? And after that? The possibilities are endless, daunting, exciting, and incredibly vast.
My wish, is for all of you to feel the love in some aspect that I have been able to experience in these last 8 months. Sometimes that love is in the form of vomiting, screaming, crying, laughing, and simply just sitting. But its always there...
...and for that, I am truly grateful.
