Just a little over 5 months ago, I was in the darkest place I have ever been. On March 25, 2022, Jesse and I were told our sweet baby would never make it earthside. They developed without a skull, and even if carried to term, they wouldn't survive more than a few hours. My whole world turned upsidedown. The visions I had of my planned homebirth in our new home were shattered; of my kids becoming big siblings and doting on our new baby...destroyed. My dreams of having our family feel complete were washed away with the abundant tears that would not stop pouring out of my eyes. I could not stop crying, screaming, crying some more and then crying myself into a restless sleep.
On March 26, I woke up, stuck being pregnant 6 more days until the hospital could get me in for a D&E. I have a vague memory of thinking "I must plan something big for the future, otherwise I will not ever leave this bed or this darkness." So I signed up for a triathlon. I figured, I did it once, I can do it again...and nothing will ever be as hard as going through the loss I was experiencing at that moment. Two dear friends signed up with me in support/solidarity and we stayed in touch regularly along the way. One of my best friends sent me a 12-week training program that started mid-June to prepare me for the race.
I genuinely do not have much memory of March-May. I just know that I somehow managed to wake up, get up, and go through the motions required of me each day. I felt like garbage, carrying the weight of the world, as well as a lot of extra weight on my body. I wasn't sleeping much or very well and I knew I needed help. However, due to the fact that insurance didn't cover the cost of my D&E, funds were low for me to go find the help I needed. Through some friends recommendations and a few conversations, I realized I needed to see someone like a naturopath to get to the bottom of my issues. I assumed my hormones were completely out of whack due to back to back losses.
Miraculously, I FOUND ONE WHO TAKES INSURANCE! I started working with her June 21...the summer solstice...and 12 weeks away from my race. After 15+ viles of blood work returned, we went over my results and found the root cause of SO MANY of my issues: candida. Essentially I have a yeast infection in my gut. I will spare you the details of all the other things this was causing, but she wanted to treat the candida first to see if that will clear up the rest of the issues.
Since August 9, I have stopped eating sugar, increased my red meat intake (for iron purposes since my iron stores were basically zero), essentially cut out most dairy (I still have some), and added many supplements to my day to support healing of my gut. Guess what? I HAVE NOT FELT THIS GOOD IN OVER A DECADE. I had a raging case of eczema on my skin for 10 months (since the first lost pregnancy). It's GONE. I have lost 15+ pounds since working with her and changing my diet. I sleep 7-8 hours of restful sleep a night. The best part? My anxiety is COMPLETELY under control! I find myself feeling so much mental clarity and feeling so grounded, it's like I am waiting to feel anxious, and the anxiety just doesn't come! It's AMAZING.
On Sept 10, I showed up to my triathlon with my 12-week mantra in mind: keep moving forward, no matter the pace. And that's what I did. I smiled the entire way through every moment of the 2 hours it took me. I felt deep appreciation to be alive and I felt the spirits and love from everyone around me, with me here on earth as well as those that have passed onto whatever is next. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel competitive with anyone, including myself. I showed up and for once, that was enough for me. Finishing the race? That's what I set out to do, and I did it, but it didn't even matter because showing up finally just felt like enough.
I am writing all of this down because I want to remember my thoughts, my process, and how far I have come in a relatively short amount of time. I want to use this as a deep learning experience to remember what I need to move forward, head towards the twinkles of light if my world ever feels so dark again. Perspective is something I always got most from traveling to another part of the world because it forces you to adapt to ways you're not used to. This whole experience has given me the perspective of a pretty epic trip...much of which I haven't enjoyed, but all of which I have stayed here for to move through.
If I can do this...you can too. Thank you for reading if you've made it to this part of my share. Thank you for being in my life and seeing me. I love you. I am you. You are me. I hope that I can repay all the support and love, in due time to people who need it, the way I have needed it so desparately over this last year. I hope you are able to find the freedom to be who you are, authentically, the way I have been able to find my way back to myself this year.
In the deepest gratitude,
Sarah
