I'm not cut out for this...but here I am

The thought that keeps repeating in my mind:  I'm not cut out to be a pandemic mom...but here I am.  If I stay true to my belief that none of us are given more than w can handle...then I must be stronger than I think, and in fact cut out for this...because Here I Am.  I often have to remind myself, and need the outside reminder, that just because I'm strong enough to do something, doesn't mean the process is going to be smooth sailing.  This process, of working full time, mothering two children who are home full time, and not being able to go anywhere...it's NOT A PRETTY PROCESS.  I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears due to how incredibly overwhelmed I feel at the task of getting through each morning, let alone each day. 

I love my kids.  Unconditionally.  That will never change.  But I have had the thought (many times) that this whole pandemic lockdown situation would be a lot easier without them around.  It would be easier on my mental and emotional health to not have to figure out how to do 10 things simultaneously all day long, but it would also be a lot easier to not have the CONSTANT worry about the kind of world I brought these babies into.  The overwhelming sadness at all they are losing out on. 

ITS TEMPORARY.  That's true.  But it's also SO REAL AND SO INTENSE.  Just like there is so much unknown about COVID19...there is a lot of unknowns about how the hell I'm going to cope with my kids being home full time with NO CHILDCARE for the foreseeable future.  I don't know how we're going to get through this.  And I worry deeply about how it will effect my children in the long run.

This is where TRUST and FAITH come in.  I do genuinely believe that we are not given more than we can handle in this life.  Sometimes I doubt it because of how incredibly overwhelmed I feel...but I always get through things and on the other side am reminded of my strength and resilience.  This time, I'm hoping to find some comfort in the fact that I am not the only one in this situation.  In fact, globally, we are apparently strong enough to deal with this complete shitshow...because we're in it.  I think about my grandmother living through the depression, WWI and WWII.  She made it through and was the most amazing woman I have ever known.  She is part of me.  We all come from strength, resilience and community SOMEWHERE.  So now we need to DIG SO DEEP...connect to our ancestors, to our roots...and remember that the world has been through SO MUCH WORSE SO MANY TIMES.

I write this not only to help myself process a bit, but also for those of you out there who doubt your strength in getting through this.  For the mothers who are spent by noon, and have to dig deep to go for 8 more hours.  I see you all.  For better or worse, I feel you all (part of my problem and part of my strength).  When I actually stop, sit and look around and listen to my breath...actually BE PRESENT for even just a moment, I feel less anxious...I feel thankful for everything we do have rather than what we don't have.  Those moments feel very brief, but are incredibly healing as well.

This post feels disorganized, like my mind...and that's why I'm not editing it or trying to make it sound better or even have a specific point here.  Life is hard right now, but as always, it is what we make it.  It's ok to feel what you feel...and have days that aren't pretty...now more than ever.  We just need to remember that picking each back up and sending virtual hugs are important things.  Share your feelings--don't sugar coat them--then let it go.  They'll resurface and that's ok.  This is part of the process, and it's not pretty...it doesn't have to be.

I'm not cut out for this---but Here I Am.  And so are you.

With Love (from a healthy distance)
Sarah

Right Now Is Why we do Yoga

Take a deep breath.  Do it again.  And again...and again.  Continue to breathe...it will help us all tune in, quiet down, and listen.  We'll be able to listen to each other, to ourselves, and most of all, we'll be able to hear the message that the world is giving us.  It's all up to each of our own interpretations of what message we're hearing...but my interpretation is this:  WE ALL NEED TO SLOW DOWN.  We need to learn how to DO LESS, MOVE SLOWER, and LISTEN MORE.

When all of the chaos ensued, I allowed myself to cry, scream, be angry and scared, and have my little tantrum about my vacation being cancelled, along with many other things so close to my heart in the next 6 weeks.  It's important to express your feelings no matter what they are...because if you don't let them out, they'll get stuck.  Luckily,  I am surrounded by people who allow me to just feel my shit, move through it, and move on.  If you aren't surrounded by people like that, that's a good place to start evaluating who is in your inner circle!  We're just humans after all...

After I allowed myself to feel all the feels, it was time to move forward.  Let's look at what is right in front of us, and find a new rhythm.  What's right in front of me is mentally preparing for what will likely be a month of my kids home while still trying to navigate working 3 jobs, and balancing time in general for both my husband (who is working from home full time) and I to have enough time to do all this.  BUT EVERYONE IS IN THE SAME BOAT.  Everyone is working from home.  Everyone's kids are home from school.  Everyone is scared, anxious, and ungrounded.  So what can we do about it?

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Keep breathing.

We all need healing.  Healing for ourselves, and healing for the world.  When I sit, and listen, it's the only word that keeps arising.  Healing.  Things are WEIRD right now.  When things get weird, we react in strange ways...and we all need to heal.

The prayer/song that keeps repeating in my head is the Ho'oponopono prayer which is sang and chanted over and over to send out healing from deep within, to the whole world!  It translates to: I am so sorry, I love you, please forgive, I thank you.  I couldn't find a video that I liked, but it's the words and intention that matter. Repeat this often, and the world will heal.

Remember: healing takes time.  Time takes patience.  Be kind to yourself in this delicate state we're in, and remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Distancing ourselves does not mean lonliness.  We have online plateforms that we can use to connect, keep in touch, and boost each other up.  But also--my biggest lesson over the next few weeks is going to be finding a balance between stauying connected to the world, while creating a safe, sacred space within my own home that is healthy, nourishing, and free of fear.

I sat for 4 minutes today with my 5 year old, and we did 20 minutes of yoga poses.  It was transformational, and we'll be doing it every day he is home.  That's one of my personal goals, to help keep us all grounded and connected in such an unpredictable WEIRD time right now.  What we DO have control over is how we choose to react to the chaos.  I'll be making a gratitude list over the next few weeks, as it's easy to get sucked into the drama and discomfort of the change that no one was ready for.

THIS IS WHY WE DO YOGA.  so we can go with the flow, readjust as needed, and do it again and again.  WE GOT THIS.  WE REALLY DO.