Anthony

On friday, I went to Peet's Coffee and Tea to send some emails before venturing over to Rhode Island where a woman with magical powers adjusts my back for me once a month, so I'm not decrepit and in pain! Peet's was packed! I ordered my soy milk peppermint hot cocoa and looked around. There was a man sitting at a table with his computer open and I asked him if I could share his table, so I could have a place to sit. He said he didn't mind at all. So I opened my computer and started typing away. The man packed up his things and left, and immediately another man asked if he could sit in his spot.

He said, "miss, do you mind if I sit here for a bit? I won't bother you, I just want to read before I go to work."

I said, "of course! no problem at all!"

He proceeded to notice the "Sweat and Soul Yoga" shirt I was wearing, as well as the sticker on my computer and he commented on it.

I said, "oh yah, I'm a yoga junkie, and that's one of the studios I teach at!"

"I'm Anthony" he said.

"I'm Sarah! we shook hands, a nice firm hand shake.

He was intrigued. Turns out he didn't get much reading done, but he had lots of questions for me :). He kept apologizing that he just had one more question, and I kept saying it was no bother, he was nice to talk to. We talked for about 20 minutes. We talked about yoga, about philosophy, about C.S. Lewis being a master theologian, and we talked about kindness. Eventually, he had to go to work, and I had to finish my emails before scooting to Rhode Island. When we finished talking, he looked at me right in the eyes, and he said,

"You are so wonderful. Your energy is wonderful. Your eyes are sparkling, and you are happy. I am so glad I met you today, and you have reminded me that there are good, grateful, happy people in the world."

I almost started crying. This was the first time in 6 months (since Brian left this earth) that a stranger has been so open about this, and able to notice anything positive about my energy. I wanted to hug this man (who by the way was NOT creepy at all, and NOT hitting on me one bit...he was just a simple nice man with kids who wanted to chat). He gave me his phone number and said he'd love to talk philosophy some time, so he hopes i'll call him, or we'll run into each other again soon.

I guess I'm coming back to myself more than I realized. Sometimes it takes another, unbiased, person to point this out to you, and I am so grateful he did. Friday was marvelous, and I felt like I was glowing, because of such a simple act of kindness and generosity this man shared with me, to tell me these things. He was so interesting too! He tutors high school students in Shakespeare! It's so wonderful to interact with interesting people, and think about how the world has changed on a micro level from that interaction.

Lots learned on friday, and much to smile about! Perspective is a beautiful thing!

Light and Love,

Sarah

A Beautiful Mind

The power of our minds, is quite outrageous. We can make ourselves believe anything we want to, or anything we need to believe for whatever reason. As I was driving home from work today, I was thinking about this. Lately, I've been feeling un-fullfilled and quite frustrated with my nannying job. I feel tired of taking care of someone else's kids, and I feel like the ideo-syncrocies of the family I work for are driving me crazy. The parents have this need for perfection that is beyond my comprehension. I have found myself getting very irritated and judgmental about everything. It doesn't feel good! Though, it's amazing how easy it is to judge someone without looking at yourself. Why do I care that they are so obsessed with perfection? I think I care, because the perfection is in turn expected of me, and perfection, in my opinion is a dumb word that means nothing. However, on my way home today, I thought, "I can choose how to look at this job, what to focus on, and how to think about it. It can be positive, or I can let it piss me off all the time and feel yucky." But the ironic thing is, that anyone can choose to do this about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING! It's amazing!

Our minds are the most powerful thing I can think of! So many people hate their jobs, feel stuck in certain relationships, or obligated to do certain things...because they are so caught up in the way they have always looked at things, instead of taking a moment or two each day to re-evaluate how to look at something. Please, don't think I am a pro at this! It's a lot easier typed than done! But it's a bit of a relief to have this thought, take a moment, and really apply it to something that feels yucky in your life. And if you really believe that the power of positive thinking honestly truly wouldn't change anything, then it's good to know, because then a change can be made.

It's so important to remember that everything will work out the way it should! It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle and expectations of every day life, without stopping to think, "well ok, i'll get to where I need to go, when I get there." Or, "ok, this isnt how I thought it would go, but thats ok...in the end it will be ok." There have been few to no times that things haven't worked out for me, whether it's near the end of the situation or not. It's so easy to forget this, but I am going to work harder and harder to remember this fact.

Feeling grateful for all the beautiful minds in my life today.

Light and Love,

Sarah

Pondicherry Idol

This time, 3 years ago, I was in India and incredibly homesick. literally physically sick at how much i missed my family. the people on my trip weren't exactly the kind of people looking to make new friends/family, surprisingly enough. So a friend i had made, separate from the program who was from France, made my thanksgiving fantastic. He had been living in India for about a year, and ran a french-indian restaurant. We spoke only french and it was like I was just in a completely different, but wonderful world. So, for thanksgiving, he did something as American as he could for me...he took me to Pondicherry Idol! HAHA. Pondicherry is the name of the town i was living closest to, and they had created their own version of American Idol. He got us tickets, and he even introduced me to the contestants afterwards, because some of them were french, and they were nearing the final rounds. That gesture was so wonderful, spectacular and full of care, that i was so filled with gratitude for having made such a beautiful friend, and felt comforted for the rest of my semester. the people you meet have such beautiful power to change your life. it's miraculous. missing him, missing the majestic india, but forever in the most gratitude possible for that life-changing semester. :)

light, love and so much gratitude,

Sarah

Compassion and Feedom

I would love to hash out my latest observation of life in this post:

I'm not exactly sure how to start this, so i'll delve right in. Most of the time, I think that I have too much compassion for my own good. Being able to read people, pick up on their emotions, tap into those emotions, and intelligently interact with people based on those emotions, is quite frankly, exhausting. and please, don't think that i am some kind of emotional genius full of all the answers. actually, i think i could become something quite incredible in terms of reading people, but in all reality, i am way too scared to tap into the power i have felt in myself before. why? because when i have dabbled in that area, i have never felt more alienated from people. SO many people shy away, because on some level, they know that i can see them, and it FREAKS them out.

what happened in our world, to make everyone SO defensive? I am just as guilty as everyone else for being defensive. i dont know how it started, or what made it this way, but its like a circle that seemingly won't ever break. It's so rare to find someone who you can have an emotionally intelligent conversation with, without that person relating EVERYTHING back to their own life, or just assuming within that conversation that its about them, and putting up their defenses. I suppose, either way, whether i allow myself to be open and defenseless, tapping into the power (that we all have but seemingly refuse to recognize) or ignoring that possible power, both are alienating for different reasons! So, what do i do? choose the lesser of two evils? i know in my heart that the former is a much more sustainable option, and will most likely lead to a more fulfilling life...but how do i start? it's so hard to understand how people can't understand the feeling of where a lyric like "we shine like diamonds in the sun. every one of us everyone of us, may all beings be happy and free" might come from! How do i relate to people who have trapped themselves inside their own head, so far away from their hearts.

its so hard to just put everything out in the world, and get nothing in return. its not like i've gotten NOTHING, but sometimes it feels like it. people are so quick to shy away from taking any responsibility for their actions, and defending themselves for everything. why do people think in terms of being at fault?

even more, why do i notice all this sadness and negativity? on the flip side, i've abundantly noticed how it can be the other way: beautiful, positive and full of love, everywhere you look! but i guess i feel like if i don't see both sides of this, then i'm not seeing clearly. the sadness strikes me as such a tragedy because it makes people feel like they aren't loved, they aren't being heard, or they are alone.

we have become prisoners of ourselves, and are too scared to free ourselves from our own imprisonment! its ludicrous actually. its quite beautiful and amazing, the capacity of human emotions, and intelligence...and on the flip side, its quite mind boggling how we can crush all of that beauty with our minds.

i often think its easier to just focus on the positive stuff, and know all the beauty in the world, wouldn't exist unless the yucky stuff was there to contrast it...but then i feel like i have a burden on my shoulders for ignoring the yucky stuff, because sometimes it just hurts too much to see...to really see i mean.

it always comes back to finding a balance...and i always come back to ask, how do i find a balance of something that feels so out of balance already? the best answer i've come up with is to continue with my yoga, and listen to my heart. never again will i tell my heart to be quiet, because i always get in trouble when i do.

light and love,

Sarah

Light Lemonade

Whenever I have a really fantastic weekend, or time with all my best friends together, I stay high from it for about 3 solid days. But by the end of the third day, I start to just drag! It's like delayed withdrawal or something. That's how I was feeling yesterday. I have noticed since everything happened this summer, I've been taking comfort in foods much more than I ever have before...and last night, I was about to reach for some ice cream, and decided...bleh, it's just going to make me feel ickier.

So this morning I decided to fast for most of the day, and just cleanse a little. I realize that a full blown cleanse needs to last more than a day. But today, I didn't have to work so I thought it would be a good day to do it. I'm usually weary of things like this because I tend to be a train wreck and a half when I'm hungry...but today I was fine! I drank that master cleanse lemonade and water until about 2pm...then I had a light salad and more water. then tonight i just had a bowl of ceral and a little hummus/pita, and a cup of Kava Relaxation tea. I feel fantastic! I just needed/need to stop snacking on those extra little comfort foods because overall they make me feel nasty and bloated, and then I'm not very nice when I'm not feeling so hot.

I was actually less irritable today than I've been all week, which surprised me. I think it's because I felt lighter, therefore less stressed out. Good stuff! Nothing like a day off to reset and get ready for one more day of work, and a weekend full of yoga! I'm so happy I took thursdays to myself. It will definitely be the best thing for my immune system, and my emotional stability this winter. I'm happy with my decisions!

On a different note, the rain certainly brings down people's moods...but I think it's nice sometimes to just stay inside and cuddle up and enjoy a chance to stop. I realize not everyone has this opportunity on a week day...but think about all the life that the rain is helping continue. All our beautiful trees must get thirsty :) and the wind! the wind on all days, but especially days like today...it's magical! It can cause such gusts, and yet it can be so gentle. Happy sigh :)

Light and Love,

Sarah

Smiling At Me

(10*30*10)

As we all sit here,

we raise our glasses

"friends forever"

hearts alight, smiles wide.

I gaze at each one of you,

a different memory, for each face,

bathes me in light

smiling heart.

Stolen glance, at that

empty seat

hands on my shoulders,

I knew you'd visit.

You're always here,

sharing your warmth

provoking our memories

creating more stories.

I haven't written, like this,

in so many months,

but all together, at

this table, everything is smiling.

Thanks for bringing

us together and

reminding my heart

to keep on smiling.

You are our angel,

our smiling protector,

the light in the darkness,

together we are happy.

All your faces,

your beautiful eyes,

create our family,

our smiling circle.

Nothing in this life

is ever certain, though

my heart knows

when everything is perfect.

My brothers, my family,

we share so much love

no matter what,

always and forever.

As we all sit here,

we raise our glasses,

"friends forever"

hearts alight, smiles so wide.

This is a rough draft, aka first draft, trying to sum up the happiness i feel when i'm with my friends...i jotted this down, inspired by our strong bonds we share, and overwhelmed by the unity i feel when i'm with my brothers! love you boys to the moon and back! yet another fantastic weekend with the best people i know.

Balance Me

So, it occurred to me today, while I was sitting on the couch, sick for the second time in less than 2 months, that I am not living up to the title of my blog. Living Life, Living Yoga. If I was, I do believe I'd be healthier than I have been this fall. In my last post, I wrote about biting off a bit more than I could chew. It took a while to finagle my schedule to be a bit more "me-time" friendly, but I think I have done a good job. I now have thursdays completely off...no nannying, no yoga, not anything for anyone else except me. Same with tuesday mornings until 2:30pm. I think this is going to help my overall well-being, mental and physical health. I can't keep spreading myself too thin to make everyone else happy, because then I end up with strep throat, or the flu.

Today, on the couch I was wondering why I did this to myself. Why take on too much? Then I end up disappointing people when I can't follow through due to sickness, and I end up sick and feeling awful! I feel like since I got back from my retreat, and my summer took a turn towards sadness and disaster, I have been avoiding anything to do with silence or stillness, like the plague. I am in such a different place now than I was in June, and I honestly don't know how I stayed silent for 9 days at that damn retreat. I couldn't do it right now, if you paid me. And that scares me. I think I might explode if I stay still for too long...but I don't like feeling like that. I want to feel peaceful enough to be able to sit on my meditation cushion and not cry the entire time. My cushion sits at the foot of my bed, and I look at every day, multiple times a day...but I haven't been able to sit on it. Five minutes feels like an eternity to just sit in silence. How did I ever do 45 minutes, 6 times a day?

The only thing constant in life is how constantly everything is changing. I mean, everything! The seasons, our surroundings, our perspective, our lives which inevitably includes our deaths. Nothing is ever the same day to day, with the exception, I realize, of one thing: our interconnectedness as a universe. I try and take as much comfort in this as possible, though some days it feels a bit too large to grasp. However, on the days I can grasp it, I am so moved by how beautiful and deep-rooted the interconnectedness of every thing actually is. There are things happening in the world every single second of every single moment of every single day, that at any given second moment or day, we don't even know it's happening...but if it wasn't happening, then we might not be happening the way we are. Probably sounds like mumbo-jumbo, but it makes complete sense to me. Knowing this, allows me to feel more compassion and love for everything around me. I have to believe that everyone and everything is just doing whatever they need to do in order to survive in our world, be it good or bad. We don't know people's stories, and we don't know why they do certain things...but I have to believe that they believe they are doing it because they have to. Who am I to judge, and say otherwise? I can make decisions within my own moral compass for myself, and it might not work for other people, but that's ok...maybe their decisions don't work for me either. But we are still part of the same whole.

There really is so much beauty, love and compassion that fills our universe. And for all of that positive wonderful energy, there is inevitably going to be negative, sad energy. If we didn't have the balance, we wouldn't know how to appreciate the good stuff when it comes our way. I know I am guilty of doing just that, these past few months. I seemed to have lost touch my positive, enthusiastic self, due to traumatic circumstances...and I miss myself. I honestly think that the reason I got sick this week was partly due to the fact that I seemed to have found my enthusiastic self when I was teaching so much yoga last weekend. I had 49 people show up to my class at Back Bay, and I felt so much positive energy, and I felt so happy teaching yoga. It's what I am supposed to do! Be a yoga teacher! And I got to be one in full blossom this past weekend! I was so excited about it all, I used up too much energy, too quickly and still had my regular schedule of work and exercise to take part in.

It's all about finding that balance. Enough Yin and enough Yang. I know I don't have enough Yin...but i'm working on it, and I'll get there. I do feel like my relationship brings a huge amount of balance to my life, because he is my main balancing force on this earth. Us together feels like the perfect amount of Yin and Yang. I tend to be such a people person, that I count a lot on others to bring balance into my life...but I know I need to find my own kind of balance as well.

Little by little, all is coming.

Light and Love,

Sarah

Reflections

Fall is a time for reflection. The warmth starts to fade, the cold creeps in. The leaves start to change, then eventually flutter to the ground. The hustle and bustle of summer slows down, bringing transitions, new schedules, and deep breaths.

September was stressful for me this month. I moved to a new house, I had a totally different schedule for work, I picked up some yoga classes, and learned a new commute to work, which is now 3x as long as before. Lots of time in the car, in traffic.

My body finally said: STOP. SLOW DOWN. I had strep throat last week, and just finished my anti-biotics yesterday. I wasn't taking any time to reflect about a single thing. I kept moving, picking up classes, trying to tackle, kept avoiding any type of peace. Well, my body rebelled and I had to listen.

My new goal is to make one day per week completely free so I can just relax for the day. I am really proud of myself, because I have taken measures already, to try and free up thursdays most weeks. A classmate from my teacher training is willing and able to take over my thursday morning class at the gym, and its amazing how much weight feels lifted off my shoulders at the thought of thursdays being free.

I really need to listen to my body, listen to my heart, listen to my mind. I wanted to teach lots of yoga, but compounded with nannying, and trying to stay healthy, it's just too much. I had a strong wave of confidence today that by the time I am ready to make the transition to teaching yoga as my only job, that even if i have to take a couple of months off to figure it out, everything will be ok. everything will work out. i know it will, my heart is telling me.

I also just got asked to teach at a new yoga studio in Boston: Sweat and Soul Yoga! I am going to start in a couple of weeks, teaching HIP HOP YOGA!!!

There are so many opportunities in the world...and I just need to remember that life is an adventure. every single thing I do every day, whether it's driving to work, eating my dinner, or getting a new job, it's all an adventure. as long as i can remind myself of this, i know everything will work out. i know it in my soul and my bones.

Just as I said in my first blog post ever: i know two things about my life: I am meant to be a yoga teacher, and I am meant to be a mother. I know these things with all my heart and soul. More yoga classes will present themselves to me when I am ready to take them on. Right now, I just need to slow down.

Deep breath. Keep faith. Life is an Adventure.

Light and Love,

Sarah

Distractions

I have been a bit distracted this summer, and let's just say, less than dedicated to my blog, seeing that this is my first post in august, and only the third one of the summer. I have been working way too much, 50+ hours a week, and when I'm not working, I try to do something fun, or I just go to sleep.

The long work weeks have been a little bit of a blessing, and a little bit of a curse. It's been good to have a constant distraction from thinking or feeling too much...but it's also been hard to have no time to myself, to just sit. However, I have found that when I do have some time to just sit, I crash. And I crash pretty hard. I have not been in a balanced place all summer. I haven't felt a lot of peace within myself, or within my surroundings. I suppose the two are connected...another blessing and curse.

I guess the biggest blow that has hit me this summer as a result of the previous posts, is the realization that I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. If you had met me, talked to me, or even seen me back in february, I would have told you how happy I was with myself, and pretty much every single part of my life.

Early march, I lost myself in a joke of a relationship, and we'll leave it at that. I became someone I wasn't and found out how true it was that my biggest strength, is by far my biggest weakness: caring too much about others, before truly caring about myself. Once I realized it was time to nix that and start to recover, I got the news about Brian. So the initial healing that needed to take place was put on the backburner, and full-swing Sarah mode was turned on high. Now that the summer is winding down, and I don't even remember half of it since I was working the whole time...I'm realizing how much I neglected t recognize all summer about myself. Everything is so fleeting, it still blows my mind. Just yesterday, I was floating on cloud 9, from great yoga, great friends. And today I'm exhausted and feeling negative about everything. I wonder if there is some kind of consistent balance to be found, or if this roller coaster is just life, and finding acceptance in the ride is what makes it feel balanced even if it isn't.

Forgiveness is another part of this summer that has eluded me. I tend to hold grudges against myself, and therefore others as well. I have not forgiven myself for getting so lost in march, and not realizing how lost I was until 2.5 months later. It took 9 days of silent meditation to snap me back to reality, and make me understand the danger of the situation I put myself in. I am grateful to have seen what I needed to do, and then be able to do it, but wow do I feel set back.

I know I am probably viewing this in a negative way when a positive spin could just as easily be put on it...but that's another part of my problem these days...I need some more perspective in my life. I have become so consumed this summer in petty things. My desire to control everything around me is out of control...I clean all the time, I organize everything more than once...because then it's predictable, and in order. Life isn't this way! I logically understand this concept, but I can't seem to completely wrap myself around it and just let go a bit.

I think I've cause a lot of my own sadness and pain this summer because I surround myself with constant distractions. I have become like a slave to my cell phone. Always checking it, or sending a text message, or looking something up on the internet. I get anxious that I missed an important call from a friend who might need something. I always have music on, or I just put on the tv for company. I can't just be here, because I am scared of the feelings that I will have to feel. It's just too much. Just last night in yoga, a song came on while we were doing some hip opening postures, and BAM tears were streaming down my face. It was the first time in 2 months that I have had a Savasana that I actually rested, and stayed present...but afterwards I didn't know what to do with myself. I had to compose myself so I could teach, but I have been a wreck all day.

Enough of that. On a much happier note, I am moving out of my dumpy apartment in one week! A fresh start, a new place, a new beautiful room mate, in a fantastic location, for less money per month than I'm paying now. I will start my fall hours for work next week as well, which is 25 hours instead of 50. amazing. My class at Back Bay Yoga is SO much fun, and going so well. And I will be able to finish the summer by assisting two fantastic yoga teachers in Nantucket for a yoga retreat labor day weekend. A well deserved restful weekend of beach, yoga, and girlfriends. Hopefully I can rejuvenate enough to have the courage to face all the feelings I've been avoiding all summer, and I can start the fall season with a smile from the heart.

I want to post some more positive posts in the near future...if you read this whole thing, thanks for reading :)

light and love,

Sarah

Always and Forever.

Bear with me through this one...it's gonna be a long one, i can feel it.

The past three weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind. Sometimes time seems to move slower than I ever thought possible, and other times, it seems to just be passing by without me getting a chance to notice everything or anything. I will say, I have not meditated since I found out about Brian. I have had the time, but I have avoided it like the plague, because I guess I am scared of the amount of feelings the silence will stir up. I know that I will know when it's ok to start again...but during a work week this summer, is not a good idea. I think my work weeks are what's making my time go by quickly...12.5 hour days with children can be wonderful, and they can be miserable. The days don't give me time to stop, think or feel...which can be good sometimes...but clearly, that is not a sustainable way to live and I am going to have to feel things sooner or later.

I am experiencing quite a bit of numbness in general. This is the first week that I have had any amount of my regular positive attitude peak it's way back into my life. I have been trying extra hard to notice good things, and appreciate everything I have...but overall I have felt very unmotivated lately, and really enjoyed staying in bed, and eating foods that aren't the best choices for my health. I have been wondering a lot lately: what is the point to everything I am doing? I am so taken aback by how a death can stir up so many questions in my own life about my choices, and where I am, where I might be going. For so long, I have wanted to move out of New England, and experience more of the world...but now I wonder, so I want to move out of New England, or am I running from something? I do know that I HATE the winters we have here...but I also know that I love everyone of my friends and family, and I don't necessarily want to live far away from them all year round. I certainly don't want to stick around Boston, as a city, because I am so NOT a city girl! It's a good experience for now, but not sustainable for more than another year.

But what do I want to do with my life? All I know is that I want to teach yoga, and eventually one day, be a mom. The latter part of that isn't happening for a long time...and the former part...I don't know if I want yoga teaching to be my full time career or not. I would love to do something with kids part time, and teach yoga part time. But what? These questions have been buzzing in my mind so much lately, and I don't think I need a plan right now. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I realize that my compulsive thoughts about the future, is clearly my projection of fear onto so many unknowns and unexpected events happening, like one of my best friends killing himself. Of course I want answers, I want concrete plans, so I can feel secure...but that security is a delusion...it simply doesn't exist. We only have this very moment in time, and nothing else.

Brian's funeral service was the hardest thing I have ever had to go to. I would not have been able to do it without all my amazingly, beautiful, incredible friends, who are like my family from UNH. I am beyond grateful for our friendships, and I owe them so much. There aren't many words I can find to describe what that weekend was like, but since the service, I haven't been the same person. The numbness I described earlier, is like, everything I do, seems a little less important now...not as exciting, because I just feel like a piece of me is missing. I know this won't be this intense forever, and time will heal all of us...but until that time, I am feeling at such a loss in so many areas of my world. I feel like everything I have been doing the past few weeks has been the antithesis of everything I cultivated on retreat. I am just going through the motions...I havent stopped to notice Mother Nature that much at all...I haven't been thinking about what I'm doing...I've just been on auto-pilot and getting things done that need to get done. When will I feel excited about small things again?

Death is part of life...and so is tragedy,...but it doesn't make it any easier when it happens. In fact, it's worse, because on an intellectual level, we know it sucks...but there is no way to prepare someone for shit to hit the fan. And when the shit hits the fan, blows all over the place, man does it just stink...no other way to put it...it stinks...and it's so hard to clean up...the room will never be the same as it was, and neither will my heart. Sorry to use such a graphic example, but it's actually quite accurate.

On a happier note, I've started teaching yoga at Back Bay Yoga, in Boston, which is amazing. I have my own beginner's vinyasa class sunday nights from 7-8:30pm, and I'm really looking forward to having a regular class at a real studio. Thursday is my last day at the gym so I can move on to bigger things. Along with my family and friends...practicing yoga and teaching yoga has helped me through this situation tremendously. In order to teach yoga, one must practice, and I believe live out the principles to a certain extent. So having a regular teaching job has reminded me of many of those principles, and made some situations a bit more graceful than they might have been.

I am so grateful to everyone who has supported me with their love, energy, hugs, phone calls, etc, the past few weeks, and my entire life. I wouldn't be me without you. And I wouldn't be me, without knowing Brian, so for that, Brian, I am forever grateful, and will love you always and forever.

Light and Love,

Sarah

Dedication to Brian

I am slightly at a loss in my heart, my mind and my body. Things have surprised me in my life, and things have even boggled my mind. But never have I been as utterly shocked as I was today. Last night, around 11:30pm I couldn't sleep (this is super late for me to be up). I was feeling so anxious, and felt like I needed to check my facebook...which is really weird, cuz I don't usually go on my computer past 9pm at the latest. I resisted the urge to check it, and rolled over trying to fall asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I felt alert at 6am, and went straight to my computer. Remember that whole elf suspicion I had? Well this morning was one time i REALLY wish I didn't have it. I found out that one of my closest college friends, so dear to my heart, passed away yesterday morning. OH MY GODS. I am betting that I am still in shock, but I don't know where else to turn other than my writing. Typing is easier than journaling with the knots that have resided in my shoulders from this stress, and the pain I feel all over my body. Sitting here, I am trying to recall my day, and it's all a blur. I can't remember the morning that well. All I can remember is feeling lost, scared, and full of more sadness than I ever thought I could feel. I spent the whole morning on the computer trying to feel connected to everyone because I was alone in my apartment and couldn't stop crying.

The sadness I feel is for the loss that everyone will experience in losing our friend, but its mostly rooted in the fear and sadness that my friend must have been feeling. For one person to have that much fear and sadness, is so unbearable, and I hate to think of it, but I can't seem to help it. He was such a HILARIOUS, wonderful person who always lightened the mood of any room, and made everyone smile. He always made me feel like 'one of the guys' and treated me like a sister. I have never lost anyone close to me before. This really is the most heart-wrenching feeling I've ever had. I know it hasn't fully sunk in yet because it still doesn't feel completely real to me. It's not till I sit and actually take a moment to realize that I will never talk to him on the phone again. I will never see him have a huge smile on his face and hear him say "BERMAN!" with a huge hug ready and waiting. He was so much taller than me, he used to pat me on the head and just say, 'love you berman!'

It's true that death is a part of life...and sooner or later, I would have to experience a loss of someone close to me; but my gods it hurts more than I could ever possibly imagine. Everything about it hurts.

Hinch,

I pray to the gods that you are in a more peaceful place, and have found the rest you need. I hope that wherever you are, there is lots of your favorite beer, and endless funny movies for you to memorize and quote directly...but better. Thank you for all the gut-wrenching laughs, the perfect hugs, the philosophical talks...and always being someone I could count on to act like my brother. I love you SO much, and always will. I will miss you SO much, but you will be in my thoughts every single day, and remembered with sincere kindness in your beautiful eyes, and friendly smile. May you be happy, and shine your light upon us, to help us through hard times, and see us through beautiful ones.

Love you always,

Berman

Every Single Day.

I am amazed by life, every single day. I am amazed at the consistency of change around the world, in my life, in my feelings. I am amazed at Mother Nature and her never ending miracles. I am amazed by the power of love, an open heart, and how it can change everything with one kind action, word, or thought. I am amazed by the inability of people to realize the power that lies within themselves to make this world more peaceful, and full of the love that exists in everyone, but is pushed away by fear, anger, hurt, sadness. I am amazed by these things, every single day.

There is a constant part of me, that believes my sensitivity and awareness to these things is the biggest blessing, and the biggest curse. A blessing to be able to feel, to be able to see the truth, to be able to know myself, and have faith in others. A curse, to feel isolated in this knowledge, in this strong intuition, and to sometimes see too much. How does one balance all of the beauty, and all the pain in the world?

Some days I wake up, and I feel the pain of the world in my chest, and in between my shoulder blades. I really truly do. And some days I wake up and feel the beauty of the world as a lightness in my heart, and an evenness in my mind. Rarely do I wake up and feel a balanced place between the two. I do prefer the latter ... :-)

Thought the interesting part is that I often feel both of these places throughout the whole day, and I am usually trying to find a balance between the two places. I am so easily set off into sadness, and so easily brought back into lightness. I am not a fan of roller coasters at the theme parks, or in my mind. I do suppose that life is some form of a constant roller coaster ride...but I would like to know where the switch is to turn it on or off...or maybe just slow it down a bit?

I am feeling a bit lost...that's why this post is so back and forth. It has been about 5 years since I have been single for more than a month. eeeeekkkk. No wonder, huh? I am always spreading myself too thin, and leaving none for me at the end of the day. The irony? I deluded myself into thinking for so long that I was doing everything I was doing, all for myself. Reality? I wanted to make other people happy because it made me feel good...not a bad selfish...but not a healthy place to live.

I am feeling lost because I don't know HOW to take all that love and give it to myself. I am so good at giving it away, but I don't know how to keep it. What do I do with it? Today, I have been feeling lost, and therefore a bit sad, and maybe even a little depressed...because I don't know what to do with it all.

Big transitions have never been my strength. Currently, I don't have a room mate to help me pay rent for the apartment I haven't found for september...I am newly single, not knowing how to give myself the love I need, or where to start to figure it out...and I don't want to live in Boston because there isn't enough nature...but I love my job(s) and want to stay here because they bring me so much happiness. Enough transitionary things going on there? Yah, I'd say so. My bed has never looked so inviting to just throw up the covers and hibernate for a while.

Coming home from the meditation retreat has been so much harder than I ever imagined. So many important things got so stirred up that I didn't realize were going to, and trying to juggle it all is sometimes overwhelming. This may sound so silly, but I swear to the gods that I am some descendant of, or will be reincarnated as an ELF. Yes my friends, an elf. Seen Lord of the Rings? Well they have like SUPER sensitive hearing, and feeling...remember? Hello! I feel like an elf half the time with all the things that I am aware of: the way people look at each other across the room, the 3 different conversations going on at once that I am able to understand, the way I can see beauty in so many things it's scary and it brings me to tears because it's sometimes so overwhelming. Maybe I am just crazy...I have been recently told that I am about 70% insane...there might be truth to this statement! But insane or not, my senses are a reality, and a strong one that I don't always know how to handle.

The funny thing is that I know I am ready to figure all this out. For the first time since I can remember, I am actually ready to be single. I am ready to figure out how to love myself the way that I need, however it may be. I was never really ready before. I am not scared, I just don't know how to do it. I think the book "The Alchemist" says it the best when it talks about just listening to your heart, and you will always make the right choices. The heart never lies, if we are truly able to listen...I gotta listen!

I truly believe the quote below, with all my heart. I believe it can mean that the greatest thing you'll ever learn to just to love (yourself) and therefore be loved in return (by everyone else). Just listen to your heart...so much easier said than done I guess!

"The greatest thing, you'll ever learn, is just love, and be loved in return."

It's so easy to let our minds run wild, and trap us in a world of delusion! Thoughts are okay to have, but when they are let loose, all hell runs wild! I have trapped myself today, in a world of delusion, in a world of thinking and not being, and it's so easy to do! Starting tomorrow, for the month of july, I am going to make a commitment to myself that I will think of some kind of mantra to help me stay more present, and even throughout the day. Suggestions are welcome :-)

I am amazed at life, every single day. I am amazed by the wisdom that people hold in the hearts, and minds. I am amazed by how many places I have yet to see in the world. I am amazed that there are so many places in the world, yet the world can sometimes feel so small. I am amazed by the capacity for compassion that exists in some people. I am amazed by the thousands of languages used in the world to communicate with each other. But mostly I am amazed by the universal language: the language without words that everyone is capable of. The language of the heart. I am amazed by these things every single day.

Light and Love,

Sarah

Heart too Big?

Transitioning back into my life here in Boston, has been way more difficult than I imagined it to be. My first week back, like I said before, seemed to be a bit of a time warp and drag on forever. That first week back I felt a bit thrown into my life, and had to move at a pace significantly faster than I was capable of if I wanted to have anything to do with mindfulness. I was kind of disappointed that I felt so violently shaken up after finally being able to genuinely slow down. On some level I guess I had kind of ruined all the work I had done on the retreat. Well guess what? I was very wrong. This past week has been my second week back. For some reason, it also feels a bit time warp-y. It didn't feel like that long of a week in general, but now, when I think about Monday, it feels like ages ago.

This week, I woke up every morning, actually craving to sit before work. I had time almost every morning, and was able to sit about 20 minutes each morning. I could feel my nervous system wanting to slow down. Like I said in my last post, I turned my cell phone off all day at work, and it made such a great difference in my days. I wasn't worried about hearing my phone go off, and checking it constantly to see if I had missed a message. A huge burden felt lifted off my shoulders, even though I had placed the burden on there myself! But something wasn't right. I felt unhappy this week...unsatisfied. I have felt a bit unmotivated in general this week. I just wanted to sit all day like I did on the retreat. I had too much to swallow, and not nearly enough time to digest everything that has happened over the past two weeks. I haven't practiced yoga nearly as often as I usually do either, which threw me for a loop. I wasn't motivated, and most of all, my body has been really sore.

Since I got back, my body has been doing some weird things...maybe it's releasing some stuff that I stirred up on retreat, but whatever it's doing, it doesn't want to practice yoga right now. My neck and shoulders are endlessly tight and sore, regardless of massage, or adjustment. My hips are achy, and my back...ugh my back. I am a strong believer in listening to your body, because it knows better than our minds what we should do for it. My body is saying 'stop! rest please, and be with this achiness i am making you feel!' So I stopped as much as I could this week.

In stopping, I had some realizations that I was not very excited about. For those of you who know me very well, I think it's safe to say, you know that my heart is often quite open, and full of love for pretty much everything on the planet. I have often wondered if it's possible to be born with a heart too big. I am a very grateful, passionate person...and I really love to take care of people. Well, my heart has proven to actually be too big for my own good. I often feel so overwhelmed by how big my heart is, and I have interpreted this in the past to be my ability to see the beauty in the world, and appreciate it so much. This might still be the case...but underlying all the beauty in the world, is a girl who has not given nearly enough of all her love to herself. Yes, my friends, that's me. Why do you think I cry so much...about everything, good and bad, happy and sad?! I realized this week on a deeper level, that I am always spreading myself way too thin for my own good, and leaving not enough love for me at the end of the day. And, it's one thing to receive love from other people, which is always appreciated, but it's a whole other ball game to really truly receive love from yourself.

The ironic thing is, that I felt like I had a lot of shit figured out, and that I was really happy, before this retreat! It's not to say that I don't have a lot of shit figured out, but I do think that I was a bit deluded in thinking what genuine happiness is. In Buddhism, through meditation the Buddha talks about experiencing suffering that leads to the end of suffering. That's what I feel like I am experiencing this week. Suffering, that leads to the end of suffering. The beautiful part and the frustrating part about this is that things are always changing, shifting, creating. I won't always feel like this every moment of every day...quite the contrary actually. But it's so frustrating to feel like I can't count on anything!

This, my friends, is my big issue right here. I don't like things I can't control. Not easy to type, not easy to read, not easy to believe, and not easy to know. But it's true. I like to have things go the way I planned, so I can count on something. This is my way of expressing my resistance towards what actually just is, every day. And this week, I was feeling it creep up on me really strongly. I said this week, 'I wish I could just let go a little more, and have fun.' This is my first year living on my own, paying all my own bills, and trying to save a little money for later on. This has taken over, because it's expensive to live alone and take care of everything by yourself! I have a real job that pays me enough money to be able to do this...but that also means giving a lot of my time to this job (which I LOVE, but nonetheless is a job). Finding a balance to being a responsible adult, and still being able to let loose enough, is not an easy gig!

I have always thought of myself as not a very good person at transitions. I have changed my mind: I am not very good at really big, life altering transitions. But in reality, life is just a series of transitions...and so far, I think I'm doing a relatively good job at dealing with most of them. What I need to work on, is accepting the fact that transitions, changes, and fluctuations of everything, is consistent. Finding the consistency within the chaos...and loving it for what it is. It's not good, bad, great, or horrible...it just is. So much easier said than done.

So, in conclusion, my big heart and I have decided to take time together to grow into each other. No one person can do this for me. I'm sure that people will help along the way, by being their beautiful selves, but that's about all the help I can take. This is a journey that I have been avoiding, because it's scary to be alone, and it's scary to actually realize how much power our hearts have...and how much power our brains have over our hearts. I truly believe that if I take this time to figure this out, by myself, then one day my heart and my mind will be so connected, that I will be able to make decisions quite easily...because my heart will always know the answer. I need to get out of my head, into my heart, give myself the love that I have been constantly been giving everyone else around me. It's time.

Thanks for reading :-)

Light and Love,

Sarah

Power!...to the button :-)

This morning I woke up at 6am (which is late for me these days) and I freaked out! That whole time warp thing I wrote about in my post last night...I totally forgot what day it was!! Once I looked at my calendar and realized it was tuesday, and I didn't have to teach till 9:30 I calmed back down! It was the weirdest feeling. Anyway, I ate pretty unhealthily yesterday for whatever reason, and so I felt kinda icky this morning. I decided to master cleanse for the morning. I also noticed that I was craving to sit and meditate. So usually I use a timer, but this morning I just sat. Twenty-five minutes passed before I even opened my eyes! It was great, and I felt really calm.

I planned a totally different kind of class for yoga this morning...focusing on Ardha Chandrasana (half moon) and I took the risk of teaching it. Everyone loved it!! I made it light-hearted, and was totally in the zone! I think I will be able to really focus on one pose per class, introducing some more poses to these wonderful beginners, now that I have given them a solid foundation over the past few months of good poses. It was really fun, and everyone told me they loved it afterwards. I feel like yoga gets so serious sometimes, and today I had everyone smiling and having fun on their mats.

Another interesting thing happened today. I looked at my phone this morning, and really didn't want to turn it on. Then something (seemingly simple) dawned on me: there is a power button for a reason!!! I didn't have to turn it on if I didn't want to! So....I DIDNT!!! I had a better day at work with less distraction, and it was fun to turn my phone on after work to see if I had any messages. So, no more phone for me at work, unless I need to turn it on for a phone number or something. It's so much more peaceful....in reality, there is no need to have my phone on at work, because I am working and I shouldn't be talking on the phone. There isn't anything I can do if there is some kind of emergency, because I am at work...so anything it is, can wait till the end of the day. The family I work for has a house phone anyway! I don't need an electronic leash distracting me from the kids who just want my attention to the fullest, and they deserve it too! I feel liberated from my power button realization :-) You should try it one day...probably safe to say, you'll either love it or hate it...but how will you know till you try?!

I'll end today with the perfect yogi tea quote for the day:

"The beauty of life is to experience yourself."

Light and Love,

Sarah

Sweet as honey, Bitter as Lemons: Part 3

Not to worry, days 7-9 were much less intense than days 5 and 6 :-). The morning after hitting my wall, I clearly hit pretty hard, I felt much better. The way I described it was how you feel after doing a pretty serious cleanse for a few days: exhausting but rejuvinating from the inside-out. So, I felt pretty tired and worn down, but it was a good tired. My heart felt lighter, my head felt clearer...but I was still very antsy. So I had a bit of a hard time sitting still and finding a calm place that I had found on day 5, but I felt like it had the potential to return! Day 7 was pretty uneventful compared to the previous couple of days, but it was good to be a bit more calm.

Day 8, I wasn't feeling agitated so much as I was feeling anxious about using my voice again, and going home! The teachers said it was common to feel a bit restless in the sits, feeling the retreat coming to an end. They also said it is the most crucial time to pay attention to your body to not skip out on the end...it's very educational and interesting to notice when you check out, and how often you are doing it. So, I listened, and I was able to get into the sits and the walking, and felt pretty calm. I had a lot of chatter going on in my mind, so things didn't feel as quiet as they had during the rest of the retreat...but that was just my mind!

The afternoon of day 8, after lunch, the teachers gave a talk on "mindful talking." We had a small talking exercise with our fellow retreatants to notice the feelings in our bodies when we interact with our voices again. THIS WAS SO STRANGE!! I felt like I knew all these people so well, but we never had exchanged words. It was also strange to just be talking to another person! For about 45 minutes in the dining hall we had time to talk to each other...IT WAS CHAOS!!! I couldn't even believe the noise...and I was exploding at the mouth as well. It was really intense. After 45 minutes of what felt like people screaming at each other, the cooks rang the bell for dinner, and everyone went silent. We had the rest of the night back in silence starting with dinner. During my meal, I was shaking SO hard. The stimulation of noise had really shaken me up! My brain was vibrating, and I felt like I was a little floaty or something. But I was so intrigued by the sensations in my body! I was able to really notice what was happening, and this helped me drop SO deep into myself for the rest of the night, it was incredible. After dinner, I had a 30 minute sit, and dropped pretty deep into a meditative state. I went downstairs to the walking room after the sit and walked really slowly for the full 45 minutes...dropping deeper into meditation that I felt like I had all week. I was SO quiet, and present, not even thinking. At 7:30 we had a dharma talk, and I went in to sit and listen. I listened to the talk with my eyes closed the whole time, and then continued to sit for another hour after that talk, through the chanting and after the chanting. I hadn't realized how deeply the silence had effected me all week. It really quieted my whole nervous system and slowed down my everything, and all the talking sped it up again...but the silence following the talking was so profound and wonderful. I slept SO soundly that night,...I fell asleep with one hand on my heart, and one hand on my belly, and didn't wake up till the next morning. It was such a great night to end the retreat with...it made me not want to leave so I could get more in it time! :-)...but I didn't want to feed the craving :-).

The last day, we just had 2 last sits, and a farewell talk. Silence was officially broken at 10:30am, and we had time to mingle before an optional lunch, before we all went our separate ways! It was quite incredible to be able to exchange my information with all these people who I had barely talked to all week, because we had bonded in such a unique energetic way. So, all in all, this retreat was a fantastic learning experience, an emotional roller coaster, and a beautifully painful way to get to know myself a lot better. I am very excited to get to know myself better as the moments go on day by day. Mindfulness is such a wonderful thing to cultivate and be aware of, and it makes the days so much more enjoyable! I still feel like I didn't cover a lot of what happened at the retreat, but I think I covered most of the important details :-)

As for this last week, integrating back in to the real world...woah. It's been very interesting. First of all, it's only been about 8 days since I've come back...and it seems like a lifetime ago that I was on retreat. It's a strange time-warp of craziness. Work, was really great to get back to because I love my job so much its kind of insane...it was amazing to get hugs and kisses from little Lindsay! And I felt really welcomed, and loved in general upon my return. But I have realized this past week how fast paced my life really is. I didn't realize how much I was stressing myself out each day by moving so quickly. Going back to work, I realized how un-mindfully I do many things in a day, because my life often requires a lot of multi-tasking...which can be great, but not after a mindfulness retreat!! I have had to force myself to slow down many times in a day, and it's been quite humbling. I am so grateful to at least be conscious of this, even if it only happens once in a day!

Also, I now understand my need for such a clean and organized apartment: my newfound understanding for myself that I have a karmic knot based in fear,...I am scared of things that are out of my control. But I have started to clean more mindfully than automatically. I am not judging myself for being a clean freak...because there isn't anything wrong with it. Now I am being more conscious of my actions as I clean, and paying attention to how and what I am cleaning instead of just doing it for the sake of control. I have also made an honest effort to not compulsively plan so much for the future, because I tend to get attached to images I create in my mind about the future and when they don't happen I get disappointed, and usually end up blaming someone else instead of just taking responsibility. This compulsive future planning has gotten me into trouble in the past because I realize it makes me less patient, and more judgmental of things that don't go "my way." This is no way to be. Of course, it's important to find a healthy balance between having goals that require planning, and still living in each moment, making decisions that can support that goal, but also contribute to your present happiness. This is much easier said than done, but I've got infinite moments to work on this!

For now, I am very excited for it to be summer (happy summer solstice by the way), and I am looking forward to spending my summer with the kids I love to work with, teaching yoga, going to the beach, eating ice cream, finding a new place to live closer to the city, and loving my bunny to pieces because he is the epitome of amazingness and presence. We can learn SO much from animals, and children. If we are open in our minds and in our hearts, then the world will show it's beauty to us. The world is always showing it's beauty in millions of different ways every single moment of existence...we just fail to notice because we don't take the time to breathe it all in. Each time we take a breath in, we receive from the universe, and each time we breathe out, we give back to the universe. To understand amazing intimacy we share with every single living organism is the greatest gift, because it's the most whole one can ever feel. And there is hope in this feeling of oneness, that maybe one day enough people will experience this interconnectedness enough, that wars will end, and peace will flourish.

Might seem like a lot to have gained in 9 days...the funny thing is, I feel like I just tapped the tip of a huge ice burg, and I can't wait to chip away at the entire thing, for as long as I am on this earth as a human being. :-)

That's all for now...thanks for reading!

Light and Love,

Sarah

Sweet as honey, Bitter as Lemons: Part 2

So, picking up where I left off, I was feeling pretty up and down about having chosen this retreat as my vacation time. The morning of day 5, I had had just about enough of no eye contact, enough solitude,...just enough. Luckily, we had one of our group meetings that morning. During the meeting I had quite an "aha" moment. When one of the women shared that she was really trying to make the week about caring about herself, it was really hard for her, because for years and years she has only been caring about other people. Now, this may seem like pretty simply articulated pyschology that's pretty easy to understand. Well folks, let me tell you how bright a light started shining in my heart about this concept. I always thought I have done a pretty good job of taking care of myself...practicing yoga, reading books, eating healthy...all that good stuff. But the way this woman was talking about it, I realized I was the same way. As a nanny, as a woman who dreams of being an outstanding mother one day, and as an extremely energetically sensitive person, I was not taking enough time for myself to really unwind. The clarity that came with this realization was a bit of a shock...it was no wonder to me why I pass out at the end of the day of exhaustion before 10pm...I'm always taking care of everyone and everything else around me. DUH! :-)

So after that morning meeting, I had a new understanding of why people were keeping their gaze soft, and I was able to do this myself. I dropped into myself, and my meditation really deeply for the rest of the day, and it was really a wonderful feeling. I was able to do the walking meditation, and I was really deep in the sits. While I was sitting, I was practicing the mindfulness that the teachers were talking about all week. Using my breath as an anchor to keep myself present and focused. So, I noticed that my shoulders were really knotted and sore. Instead of trying to adjust myself to a more comfortable position, I tried to "get interested" in the knots. This was intense. All of a sudden, I started to literally feel the knots untie themselves. Once it loosened up a bit, the knot travelled down my arm, causing my arm to twitch out to the side, as if I was throwing away bad energy stuck in my shoulders. This went on for quite some time...all in my left side.

At dinner time, I was really "in it." But all of a sudden, I felt my heart rise into my throat, beating so hard, I thought I was going to throw up. I felt so suffocated and claustrophobic, I grabbed my food and went outside. After a few deep breaths, I was able to feel the calm come back, as I watched mother nature work her magic. I watched a chipmunk chase a robin. I watched a robin chase a frog...I watched birds chase each other, and bees pollinate flowers. Feeling able to breathe, and keep solitude, I finished the night so calm. But that night, I had such violent angry dreams, and I woke up feeling very agitated. Day 5: a successful rollercoaster.

Day 6: I woke up pissed off that I had such an angry dream. Note: NOT A GOOD WAY TO START A DAY OF MEDITATION!!! My mind was racing, as was my heart. I couldn't sit in the morning, because I was so irritated. And instead of just being with the irritation, I was resisting it like nobody's business! So, by 10am, I went to the meditation hall...and within 10 minutes I wanted the bell to ring. But I had 35 minutes left before this was to happen. I'm not even kidding you, I GLARED at the person leading the meditation on the stage...shooting her fireballs with my eyes to try and will her to ring the bell so I could get the hell out of that damn hall. Once the bell rang, I ran out, ran to my room and curled up in a ball on my bed. What was happening to me? Then I remembered something the teachers were talking about in a dharma talk a couple nights before: karmic knots. A karmic knot is inescapable, and everyone has one or many. When we are infants, we absorb all kinds of different energy...mostly from our parents. That is how we learn love, and compassion...but that's also how we learn anxiety, fear, anger. Our parents don't do this intentionally...they are just doing the best they can. So in the middle of my raging fit of irritation, I realized that the previous day, when my arm was twitching...my karmic knots were coming undone. The previous day, was the calm before the storm.

The storm was roaring and I didn't know what to do...I stayed curled in a ball on my bed for hours. I couldn't even face myself. I realized for the first time, how truly fearful I am of not being in control. Many people in my life have told me that I am a "spitfire" or I have a lot of "pizzazz." Really, I was just fearful, and acting out in anger. I'm not an actual ANGRY person...but it's much easier to be angry then go around be fearful of everything. Realizing this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do...ever. It made me hate myself for having so much fearful, angry feelings. I couldn't get away from me. Talk about claustrophobic. My entire body was taken over by these sister emotions. My temperature rose, my heart rate rose, I was walking so fast, my thoughts were out of control. I couldn't sit all day. I couldn't do anything except stay in my bed, hold onto my teddy bear and my blanky, and cry. All I could think was "I thought I was a nice person...how can I be so angry?"

I will finish this post with the journal entry that I wrote before I went to bed, after having a one-on-one personal meeting with one of the teachers.

"Eyes pulsing, neck aching, head throbbing. All I want to do is run. But to where, from what? From myself. Impossible. I have to face myself. That's what I came here to do...but I didn't know I would be so ugly. I've thought good things about myself for a while...but not enough, or not truthfully I guess. I've been lying to myself my whole life. I'm scared, therefore angry. And I'm scared shitless by the anger. Today was the first time in my life that I came face to face with the complexity and intensity and profound deep-rootedness of my fear...and I had no where to run, nothing to do, except face it. It's the most uncomfortable, scary feeling I've ever experienced. It overtook my entire body...I feel so tense and shut off from the beauty in the world. People have always told me that I'm too hard on myself, and I've always thought they were wrong. I decided that I just have high standards which therefore makes me successful. News flash: they were right and I was wrong! The phrase, 'you beat yourself up too much' took on a whole new light today. I literally feel like my 'little s self' kicked the shit out of me. I feel bruised, scared and vulnerable. On the flip side of this, as painful as it is, I'm grateful to start to see the truth. I have years of self-denial and self-delusion to now re-wire, but I will do it. And I'll do it slowly, letting myself take rest when necessary. This 'barreling through the pain' attitude that our culture portrays is so harmful. What's the use in barreling through if we don't take the time to be interested in the experience? I'm scared, no denying that. But what's the alternative? Continuing self-delusion? I obviously knew I wasn't perfect when I decided to sign up for a 9-day silent meditation retreat. I knew I had shit to work out...and I knew I was ready...of course I didn't know how hard it would be, but I knew it wouldn't be easy...and like I said, what's the alternative? I've chosen a path with heart, and I know I'll experience doubt, aversion, frustration, love, compassion, but experiencing it and being interested in it will be what eventually brings me to find peace.

This retreat is all about mindfulness. Soft, steady awareness. Being completely present in each and every moment brings a certain peace into your life. But that peace, like today, can often be a calm before a storm. Today I had a raging angry storm that cracked me open from the inside-out and it scared the crap out of me. But now, with baby-steps I can start to recognize my anger when it arises and notice it...use it as a tool, as information, and know I need to take care of me. Lots of work ahead. But this is where I need to make peace with if I want to have more tolerance and compassion for me and everyone around me. Living my life, by living my yoga: discovering truth, right to it's core." (09 june 2010).

Part 3 coming soon...thanks for reading! :-)

Light and Love,

Sarah

Sweet as honey, Bitter as Lemons: Part 1

Have you ever watched a bumble bee pollinate a flower? It's quite magical, actually. They buzz around, dabbling here and there with different flower buds, trying them out, and continue on buzzing, skimming the surface; wings keeping them afloat. Then they find a delicious looking flower. They land, so meticulously, on the bud, and decide to delve deeper. The outside is tasty, but the inside is where the real good stuff is. It takes them a while to get settled once they've decided to, but then they dig. Delicately, but firmly, planting and digging their legs into the center. It presents some challenges along the way: other bees trying to push of the lucky one who has got his head in the game; the wind picking up out of nowhere, slightly bumping the bee off its course. But the center of the chosen flower is where the nectar is the sweetest, and it's worth digging for. Somehow, the bee knows this to be the truth. Arrival, at last! The center! So delicious, but so exhausting from all the work to get there. Once the bee has tasted enough sweetness, she backs out, dabbling the outer edges once again, then moves on to her next journey, to the heart of the next flower. But the bumble bee has made a difference in the world of bumble bees, other flowers, and therefore...the entire universe.

This, my friends, is the perfect metaphor for meditation. The retreat I went on, proved to be painfully challenging, and pricelessly rewarding. As I arrived at the center called Insight Medication Society (IMS), I had a realization of what I was about to actually embark on. YIKES, this is what i chose for a vacation?! That's all I could think. I was so wound up I was moving at the speed of lightening to try and avoid the reality that was about to smack me upside the head! I finally got settled in a bit, learned my "yogi job" (tasks which we perform every day to keep the center clean and running), and met my room mate. Yes, folks, I had a room mate who I didn't talk to for 9 days!! (She was wonderful).

So let me give you a pretty regular schedule for my day.

5:15 wake up

5:45-6:30 sit.

6:30-7:15 breakfast.

7:15-8:15 work period

8:15-9 sit with instructions.

9:15-10 walking meditation.

10-10:45 sit.

10:45-11:30 walk.

11:30-12 sit.

12-1:30 lunch /(my yogi job=lunch dishes)

1:30-2:15 walk.

2:15-3 sit.

3-4 movement meditation (gentle yoga)

4-4:45 sit.

5-6:15 Tea (dinner)

6:15-6:45 sit.

6:45-7:30 walk

7:30-8:30 Dharma talk

8:30-9 walk

9-9:30 Metta chant and sit.

9:30 rest or option to practice (sit)

I've decided to break these blogs up into a few days at a time...so I'll start with the first full day of the above schedule (which was day 2). The bell was rung at 5:15 am for wake up...first sit at 5:45. I slept through it. Boy was I tired! So as the day proceeded, and the meditation went on, I was pretty restless. Right before the arrival of this Vispassana (Mindfulness) Retreat, there had been a 6-day Metta (loving-kindness) retreat, and some of the people on the Metta retreat were staying for Vipassana retreat. SO, the mood was pretty thick with meditation. I was so unsettled, and restless, all day I was questioning why I had come to this place. Anyway, I made it to the end of the day, having completed 3 seated meditations (45 minutes each..6/day), and none of the walking meditations. The walking meditation was not working for me...not yet. At the end of the day though, I slept SO soundly. I found this interesting the next morning when I felt fully alert and rested when the 5:15 bell went off. Day 2: check!

Day 3: Woke up really stiff. I struggled all morning trying to find some emotional balance within myself. I kept going back and forth from feeling very happy I came, to feeling completely apathetic towards the entire situation. I did some gentle yoga in the afternoon that was led by a teacher there, and it seemed to help a lot. Being on my yoga mat always feels like home, so it helped me settle quite a bit. I also started to feel my whole nervous system started to really slow down...holy exhaustion!! I was very tired by the afternoon, and napped for a while. I didn't realize how wound up I was until silence was everywhere, and my only task for the day was sitting, walking and eating...all done quite slowly. So as day 2 neared the end, I was pretty neutral about everything. At the end of every day, we listened to the teachers give us a 'dharma talk' which was basically an inspirational talk about how to lead us on and keep us on a good path of meditation for the week. The first one was at the end of this day and it was fabulous...then I slept very soundly again, ready for day 3.

Day 4: I woke up a little less stiff. For the first morning sit, I laid on my back in the meditation hall because my back was still a bit sore...I played with my heart energy for a while :-) The second sitting went REALLY well today...I finally started to feel very present. So, the schedule above was pretty much what happened every day...but some days we were broken up into small groups (7 people, and it was the same group for the whole week) and we had an "interview" aka group meeting with one of the 3 teachers of the retreat. They do this to kind of check in with how we are doing, and give us a short chance to speak/share with the group anything we might be experiencing so we can learn from each other and the teacher and offer us any advice that might be helpful to our practice. So today we had our first group meeting and it went pretty well. I was more emotional than I realized and hearing the sound of my own voice after not hearing it for a couple days took me by surprise with many tears. After the meeting I decided to go for a walk in the woods to kind of unwind and I got a little lost which was nice. IMS has 250 acres of land, much of which is magical enchanted forest, so it was pretty beautiful. And it had just rained that morning so there were tons of red efts on the paths that were so cute and bright orange :-). I wore myself out, and took a nap after lunch before sitting some more. I was starting to feel a little lonely and longing for some hugs and smiles...but I made it through the day and slept soundly yet again.

Stay tuned for days 5-7...those were the juicier ones :-)

Light and Love,

Sarah

Welcome to my blog!

I've decided to follow suit, and start a blog of my own. For months and months I've been trying to decide, 'what should the theme be, what should I write about?' I don't think I have decided on one specific theme, but I have decided to focus on my worldview in relation to my yoga practice, on and off the mat. Brace yourselves, this first entry might be a long introduction to the thoughts of Sarah Pearl. :-)

Maybe it's the fact that I am leaving for a 9 day silent meditation retreat on friday, but recently I have been thinking a lot about myself in relation to the world. What's my place? What's my purpose? For those of you who know me well, I know I have at least two purposes on this earth, in this lifetime: to be a mother, and to be a yoga teacher. The mom stuff will come later in life, but the yoga teacher stuff is happening NOW!! It's actually here. It's still surreal, because I can remember 7 years ago, after taking my first yoga class, thinking...'I am going to do that one day!'

So, now I'm a yoga teacher, and a nanny. Both of these jobs bring me endless joy and opportunities to learn, which is more than I could ever ask for. Over the past few months, I have had quite a few people say things to me about how positive my facebook status updates are, or comment on my general positive attitude, and they wonder how I am always happy, or they say 'I wish I had your optimism.' I do think that having not only 1, but 2 jobs that bring me joy, helps quite a bit. However, I do wish to explore a bit deeper into this.

The truth is, I was not always positive and happy. For many years, I was quite depressed and had horrible self-image. I battled with an eating disorder for a while as a dancer, and experienced many years of self-hatred, confusion and claustrophobia in my own skin. I set my standards impossibly high and was always disappointed in myself. Ask my mom and dad, I was quite miserable to be around!

At 16, almost 17, my parents signed me up for an intro to Ashtanga yoga workshop for the month of april in 2003. I did NOT want to go....but i'm SO glad i did! With a strong ballet and gymnastics background, yoga seemed like my thing: so easy and a good workout.

Well, years later, it has proven to be anything but easy...but it has been the best journey I could dream of. I have always been a very passionate, dedicated person. I've always known what I wanted in and out of life. So, when I was 13 and learned about traveling to other countries, I decided that when I went to college, I would go abroad...the location changed every time I learned about a new country,...but the consistency was that I was going abroad, no matter what..nothing would stand in my way.

Well in 2007, it was time to go abroad. India, or Africa? India, or Africa? I went back and forth for months. I finally decided on a program in India, which included yoga every morning, and a 40-hour solo in a cave of the mountains in Hampi, at the end of the program. Of course, I knew my yoga would lead me to the best decision.

For months, I prepared for my 4-month journey across the world...literally. I had every single emotion under the sun about this semester. I knew this was the program, and I knew I needed to go to India. I just couldn't believe that I was actually going to be able to make it happen! When the day finally arrived that I was supposed to leave for INDIA, I had the biggest butterflies in my stomach...and did i mention, that my stomach was in my heart, and my heart was in my throat? FOUR MONTHS away from EVERYTHING I have ever known? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?!?! Well, whatever I was thinking, was rational in some universe, because that semester is what made me as happy as I am today.

I could write an entire blog on my semester in India, and yes, I should have kept one...but I was a bit behind the technological times for a while, and I just wanted to take everything in...I did keep a journal which I am forever grateful for having done.

So, sparing most of the details in India, the reason I mention it is because most of the lessons in life that are the most important, in my opinion, are the ones I learned when I was across the world, away from everything that ever made any kind of sense to me.

Being thrown into the most foreign situation possible, other than the language within our own program, will make you take a look at your life, and yourself. I learned that I was not a very adaptable person; I didn't deal well with change; I like routine and schedule; I make friends easily; I am easy to talk to; my english is very clear; my french is beautiful; I didn't NEED toilet paper to survive! :-); I can take care of myself; I AM SO BLESSED.

I learned so many more things, but these were a few that stuck out initially. I can take care of myself. I know what I need, and I am able to take care of me. That seems so simple, but really, it is what carried me through the semester, and continues to carry me successfully through life. Knowing yourself to recognize your needs is so important. So many people let others walk all over them, or ignore their own needs to make others happy, or to make situations have less conflict...it's not worth it in the end.

I am so blessed. I learned this in the most crude, humbling way possible over the course of the 4 months I was away. Things that I have always had access to, my whole life, were no longer accessible, and that was really hard for a couple reasons. 1. I realized the people in India never had access to these things, such as hot water, a full refrigerator, comfy beds, basically anything I could ever want or need. 2. I didn't have these things that made my life easier, so I had to figure out another way. Initially #2 was difficult because it made me very homesick, but eventually #2 made me more grateful for everything in my life, than I ever thought possible.

Coming home, I had a really hard time integrating all these things I learned into a life that I was given that had so many opportunities. Shouldn't I feel guilty, that I have a roof over my head, so many choices for everything; when people in India are starving on the side of the road? I still sometimes have this battle with myself about guilt versus appreciation. That's the key...as long as I show appreciation to all the things and people I have in my life, then I feel like I deserve them, and feeling guilty won't do anyone any good.

I guess the reason I am sharing all of this, is because I am still having that internal struggle in a lot of situations of guilt versus appreciation. I take everything to such an extreme sometimes i.e. I just had my first sinus infection. I felt worse than I have felt in a very long time. But the whole time I was sick, I was trying to think of how happy I am to have had my comfy bed, and hot showers to help me feel better. It wasn't until the 5th day of sickness that I really said, "wow, I feel like death." And i finally let myself complain and wallow in my sickness for the day.

My biggest goal for this meditation retreat is to be able to cultivate more of an inner balance with myself, and be able to translate that in my heart for all the people in my life. Because I don't (ever) cut myself some slack, I tend to not cut others any slack, and it's just not fair, and it's not the compassionate person I know that I am.

If you read this whole post, you are amazing, and I thank you for reading! I want to write regularly when I come back from this journey into silence, into myself, to discover, unwind, re-wind, and love the real me.

For those of you reading and looking for some more happiness in your life, my biggest piece of advice is to just be grateful. Thank the shower head for giving you hot water. Hug your bed for being so comfortable. Smile into the fridge when you see it is full. Tell the important people in your life, that they are important to you...just for the hell of it. All of these actions, silly as they may seem, will cultivate endless love in your life, and in your self.

Light and Love,

Sarah