Every Single Day.

I am amazed by life, every single day. I am amazed at the consistency of change around the world, in my life, in my feelings. I am amazed at Mother Nature and her never ending miracles. I am amazed by the power of love, an open heart, and how it can change everything with one kind action, word, or thought. I am amazed by the inability of people to realize the power that lies within themselves to make this world more peaceful, and full of the love that exists in everyone, but is pushed away by fear, anger, hurt, sadness. I am amazed by these things, every single day.

There is a constant part of me, that believes my sensitivity and awareness to these things is the biggest blessing, and the biggest curse. A blessing to be able to feel, to be able to see the truth, to be able to know myself, and have faith in others. A curse, to feel isolated in this knowledge, in this strong intuition, and to sometimes see too much. How does one balance all of the beauty, and all the pain in the world?

Some days I wake up, and I feel the pain of the world in my chest, and in between my shoulder blades. I really truly do. And some days I wake up and feel the beauty of the world as a lightness in my heart, and an evenness in my mind. Rarely do I wake up and feel a balanced place between the two. I do prefer the latter ... :-)

Thought the interesting part is that I often feel both of these places throughout the whole day, and I am usually trying to find a balance between the two places. I am so easily set off into sadness, and so easily brought back into lightness. I am not a fan of roller coasters at the theme parks, or in my mind. I do suppose that life is some form of a constant roller coaster ride...but I would like to know where the switch is to turn it on or off...or maybe just slow it down a bit?

I am feeling a bit lost...that's why this post is so back and forth. It has been about 5 years since I have been single for more than a month. eeeeekkkk. No wonder, huh? I am always spreading myself too thin, and leaving none for me at the end of the day. The irony? I deluded myself into thinking for so long that I was doing everything I was doing, all for myself. Reality? I wanted to make other people happy because it made me feel good...not a bad selfish...but not a healthy place to live.

I am feeling lost because I don't know HOW to take all that love and give it to myself. I am so good at giving it away, but I don't know how to keep it. What do I do with it? Today, I have been feeling lost, and therefore a bit sad, and maybe even a little depressed...because I don't know what to do with it all.

Big transitions have never been my strength. Currently, I don't have a room mate to help me pay rent for the apartment I haven't found for september...I am newly single, not knowing how to give myself the love I need, or where to start to figure it out...and I don't want to live in Boston because there isn't enough nature...but I love my job(s) and want to stay here because they bring me so much happiness. Enough transitionary things going on there? Yah, I'd say so. My bed has never looked so inviting to just throw up the covers and hibernate for a while.

Coming home from the meditation retreat has been so much harder than I ever imagined. So many important things got so stirred up that I didn't realize were going to, and trying to juggle it all is sometimes overwhelming. This may sound so silly, but I swear to the gods that I am some descendant of, or will be reincarnated as an ELF. Yes my friends, an elf. Seen Lord of the Rings? Well they have like SUPER sensitive hearing, and feeling...remember? Hello! I feel like an elf half the time with all the things that I am aware of: the way people look at each other across the room, the 3 different conversations going on at once that I am able to understand, the way I can see beauty in so many things it's scary and it brings me to tears because it's sometimes so overwhelming. Maybe I am just crazy...I have been recently told that I am about 70% insane...there might be truth to this statement! But insane or not, my senses are a reality, and a strong one that I don't always know how to handle.

The funny thing is that I know I am ready to figure all this out. For the first time since I can remember, I am actually ready to be single. I am ready to figure out how to love myself the way that I need, however it may be. I was never really ready before. I am not scared, I just don't know how to do it. I think the book "The Alchemist" says it the best when it talks about just listening to your heart, and you will always make the right choices. The heart never lies, if we are truly able to listen...I gotta listen!

I truly believe the quote below, with all my heart. I believe it can mean that the greatest thing you'll ever learn to just to love (yourself) and therefore be loved in return (by everyone else). Just listen to your heart...so much easier said than done I guess!

"The greatest thing, you'll ever learn, is just love, and be loved in return."

It's so easy to let our minds run wild, and trap us in a world of delusion! Thoughts are okay to have, but when they are let loose, all hell runs wild! I have trapped myself today, in a world of delusion, in a world of thinking and not being, and it's so easy to do! Starting tomorrow, for the month of july, I am going to make a commitment to myself that I will think of some kind of mantra to help me stay more present, and even throughout the day. Suggestions are welcome :-)

I am amazed at life, every single day. I am amazed by the wisdom that people hold in the hearts, and minds. I am amazed by how many places I have yet to see in the world. I am amazed that there are so many places in the world, yet the world can sometimes feel so small. I am amazed by the capacity for compassion that exists in some people. I am amazed by the thousands of languages used in the world to communicate with each other. But mostly I am amazed by the universal language: the language without words that everyone is capable of. The language of the heart. I am amazed by these things every single day.

Light and Love,

Sarah

Heart too Big?

Transitioning back into my life here in Boston, has been way more difficult than I imagined it to be. My first week back, like I said before, seemed to be a bit of a time warp and drag on forever. That first week back I felt a bit thrown into my life, and had to move at a pace significantly faster than I was capable of if I wanted to have anything to do with mindfulness. I was kind of disappointed that I felt so violently shaken up after finally being able to genuinely slow down. On some level I guess I had kind of ruined all the work I had done on the retreat. Well guess what? I was very wrong. This past week has been my second week back. For some reason, it also feels a bit time warp-y. It didn't feel like that long of a week in general, but now, when I think about Monday, it feels like ages ago.

This week, I woke up every morning, actually craving to sit before work. I had time almost every morning, and was able to sit about 20 minutes each morning. I could feel my nervous system wanting to slow down. Like I said in my last post, I turned my cell phone off all day at work, and it made such a great difference in my days. I wasn't worried about hearing my phone go off, and checking it constantly to see if I had missed a message. A huge burden felt lifted off my shoulders, even though I had placed the burden on there myself! But something wasn't right. I felt unhappy this week...unsatisfied. I have felt a bit unmotivated in general this week. I just wanted to sit all day like I did on the retreat. I had too much to swallow, and not nearly enough time to digest everything that has happened over the past two weeks. I haven't practiced yoga nearly as often as I usually do either, which threw me for a loop. I wasn't motivated, and most of all, my body has been really sore.

Since I got back, my body has been doing some weird things...maybe it's releasing some stuff that I stirred up on retreat, but whatever it's doing, it doesn't want to practice yoga right now. My neck and shoulders are endlessly tight and sore, regardless of massage, or adjustment. My hips are achy, and my back...ugh my back. I am a strong believer in listening to your body, because it knows better than our minds what we should do for it. My body is saying 'stop! rest please, and be with this achiness i am making you feel!' So I stopped as much as I could this week.

In stopping, I had some realizations that I was not very excited about. For those of you who know me very well, I think it's safe to say, you know that my heart is often quite open, and full of love for pretty much everything on the planet. I have often wondered if it's possible to be born with a heart too big. I am a very grateful, passionate person...and I really love to take care of people. Well, my heart has proven to actually be too big for my own good. I often feel so overwhelmed by how big my heart is, and I have interpreted this in the past to be my ability to see the beauty in the world, and appreciate it so much. This might still be the case...but underlying all the beauty in the world, is a girl who has not given nearly enough of all her love to herself. Yes, my friends, that's me. Why do you think I cry so much...about everything, good and bad, happy and sad?! I realized this week on a deeper level, that I am always spreading myself way too thin for my own good, and leaving not enough love for me at the end of the day. And, it's one thing to receive love from other people, which is always appreciated, but it's a whole other ball game to really truly receive love from yourself.

The ironic thing is, that I felt like I had a lot of shit figured out, and that I was really happy, before this retreat! It's not to say that I don't have a lot of shit figured out, but I do think that I was a bit deluded in thinking what genuine happiness is. In Buddhism, through meditation the Buddha talks about experiencing suffering that leads to the end of suffering. That's what I feel like I am experiencing this week. Suffering, that leads to the end of suffering. The beautiful part and the frustrating part about this is that things are always changing, shifting, creating. I won't always feel like this every moment of every day...quite the contrary actually. But it's so frustrating to feel like I can't count on anything!

This, my friends, is my big issue right here. I don't like things I can't control. Not easy to type, not easy to read, not easy to believe, and not easy to know. But it's true. I like to have things go the way I planned, so I can count on something. This is my way of expressing my resistance towards what actually just is, every day. And this week, I was feeling it creep up on me really strongly. I said this week, 'I wish I could just let go a little more, and have fun.' This is my first year living on my own, paying all my own bills, and trying to save a little money for later on. This has taken over, because it's expensive to live alone and take care of everything by yourself! I have a real job that pays me enough money to be able to do this...but that also means giving a lot of my time to this job (which I LOVE, but nonetheless is a job). Finding a balance to being a responsible adult, and still being able to let loose enough, is not an easy gig!

I have always thought of myself as not a very good person at transitions. I have changed my mind: I am not very good at really big, life altering transitions. But in reality, life is just a series of transitions...and so far, I think I'm doing a relatively good job at dealing with most of them. What I need to work on, is accepting the fact that transitions, changes, and fluctuations of everything, is consistent. Finding the consistency within the chaos...and loving it for what it is. It's not good, bad, great, or horrible...it just is. So much easier said than done.

So, in conclusion, my big heart and I have decided to take time together to grow into each other. No one person can do this for me. I'm sure that people will help along the way, by being their beautiful selves, but that's about all the help I can take. This is a journey that I have been avoiding, because it's scary to be alone, and it's scary to actually realize how much power our hearts have...and how much power our brains have over our hearts. I truly believe that if I take this time to figure this out, by myself, then one day my heart and my mind will be so connected, that I will be able to make decisions quite easily...because my heart will always know the answer. I need to get out of my head, into my heart, give myself the love that I have been constantly been giving everyone else around me. It's time.

Thanks for reading :-)

Light and Love,

Sarah

Power!...to the button :-)

This morning I woke up at 6am (which is late for me these days) and I freaked out! That whole time warp thing I wrote about in my post last night...I totally forgot what day it was!! Once I looked at my calendar and realized it was tuesday, and I didn't have to teach till 9:30 I calmed back down! It was the weirdest feeling. Anyway, I ate pretty unhealthily yesterday for whatever reason, and so I felt kinda icky this morning. I decided to master cleanse for the morning. I also noticed that I was craving to sit and meditate. So usually I use a timer, but this morning I just sat. Twenty-five minutes passed before I even opened my eyes! It was great, and I felt really calm.

I planned a totally different kind of class for yoga this morning...focusing on Ardha Chandrasana (half moon) and I took the risk of teaching it. Everyone loved it!! I made it light-hearted, and was totally in the zone! I think I will be able to really focus on one pose per class, introducing some more poses to these wonderful beginners, now that I have given them a solid foundation over the past few months of good poses. It was really fun, and everyone told me they loved it afterwards. I feel like yoga gets so serious sometimes, and today I had everyone smiling and having fun on their mats.

Another interesting thing happened today. I looked at my phone this morning, and really didn't want to turn it on. Then something (seemingly simple) dawned on me: there is a power button for a reason!!! I didn't have to turn it on if I didn't want to! So....I DIDNT!!! I had a better day at work with less distraction, and it was fun to turn my phone on after work to see if I had any messages. So, no more phone for me at work, unless I need to turn it on for a phone number or something. It's so much more peaceful....in reality, there is no need to have my phone on at work, because I am working and I shouldn't be talking on the phone. There isn't anything I can do if there is some kind of emergency, because I am at work...so anything it is, can wait till the end of the day. The family I work for has a house phone anyway! I don't need an electronic leash distracting me from the kids who just want my attention to the fullest, and they deserve it too! I feel liberated from my power button realization :-) You should try it one day...probably safe to say, you'll either love it or hate it...but how will you know till you try?!

I'll end today with the perfect yogi tea quote for the day:

"The beauty of life is to experience yourself."

Light and Love,

Sarah

Sweet as honey, Bitter as Lemons: Part 3

Not to worry, days 7-9 were much less intense than days 5 and 6 :-). The morning after hitting my wall, I clearly hit pretty hard, I felt much better. The way I described it was how you feel after doing a pretty serious cleanse for a few days: exhausting but rejuvinating from the inside-out. So, I felt pretty tired and worn down, but it was a good tired. My heart felt lighter, my head felt clearer...but I was still very antsy. So I had a bit of a hard time sitting still and finding a calm place that I had found on day 5, but I felt like it had the potential to return! Day 7 was pretty uneventful compared to the previous couple of days, but it was good to be a bit more calm.

Day 8, I wasn't feeling agitated so much as I was feeling anxious about using my voice again, and going home! The teachers said it was common to feel a bit restless in the sits, feeling the retreat coming to an end. They also said it is the most crucial time to pay attention to your body to not skip out on the end...it's very educational and interesting to notice when you check out, and how often you are doing it. So, I listened, and I was able to get into the sits and the walking, and felt pretty calm. I had a lot of chatter going on in my mind, so things didn't feel as quiet as they had during the rest of the retreat...but that was just my mind!

The afternoon of day 8, after lunch, the teachers gave a talk on "mindful talking." We had a small talking exercise with our fellow retreatants to notice the feelings in our bodies when we interact with our voices again. THIS WAS SO STRANGE!! I felt like I knew all these people so well, but we never had exchanged words. It was also strange to just be talking to another person! For about 45 minutes in the dining hall we had time to talk to each other...IT WAS CHAOS!!! I couldn't even believe the noise...and I was exploding at the mouth as well. It was really intense. After 45 minutes of what felt like people screaming at each other, the cooks rang the bell for dinner, and everyone went silent. We had the rest of the night back in silence starting with dinner. During my meal, I was shaking SO hard. The stimulation of noise had really shaken me up! My brain was vibrating, and I felt like I was a little floaty or something. But I was so intrigued by the sensations in my body! I was able to really notice what was happening, and this helped me drop SO deep into myself for the rest of the night, it was incredible. After dinner, I had a 30 minute sit, and dropped pretty deep into a meditative state. I went downstairs to the walking room after the sit and walked really slowly for the full 45 minutes...dropping deeper into meditation that I felt like I had all week. I was SO quiet, and present, not even thinking. At 7:30 we had a dharma talk, and I went in to sit and listen. I listened to the talk with my eyes closed the whole time, and then continued to sit for another hour after that talk, through the chanting and after the chanting. I hadn't realized how deeply the silence had effected me all week. It really quieted my whole nervous system and slowed down my everything, and all the talking sped it up again...but the silence following the talking was so profound and wonderful. I slept SO soundly that night,...I fell asleep with one hand on my heart, and one hand on my belly, and didn't wake up till the next morning. It was such a great night to end the retreat with...it made me not want to leave so I could get more in it time! :-)...but I didn't want to feed the craving :-).

The last day, we just had 2 last sits, and a farewell talk. Silence was officially broken at 10:30am, and we had time to mingle before an optional lunch, before we all went our separate ways! It was quite incredible to be able to exchange my information with all these people who I had barely talked to all week, because we had bonded in such a unique energetic way. So, all in all, this retreat was a fantastic learning experience, an emotional roller coaster, and a beautifully painful way to get to know myself a lot better. I am very excited to get to know myself better as the moments go on day by day. Mindfulness is such a wonderful thing to cultivate and be aware of, and it makes the days so much more enjoyable! I still feel like I didn't cover a lot of what happened at the retreat, but I think I covered most of the important details :-)

As for this last week, integrating back in to the real world...woah. It's been very interesting. First of all, it's only been about 8 days since I've come back...and it seems like a lifetime ago that I was on retreat. It's a strange time-warp of craziness. Work, was really great to get back to because I love my job so much its kind of insane...it was amazing to get hugs and kisses from little Lindsay! And I felt really welcomed, and loved in general upon my return. But I have realized this past week how fast paced my life really is. I didn't realize how much I was stressing myself out each day by moving so quickly. Going back to work, I realized how un-mindfully I do many things in a day, because my life often requires a lot of multi-tasking...which can be great, but not after a mindfulness retreat!! I have had to force myself to slow down many times in a day, and it's been quite humbling. I am so grateful to at least be conscious of this, even if it only happens once in a day!

Also, I now understand my need for such a clean and organized apartment: my newfound understanding for myself that I have a karmic knot based in fear,...I am scared of things that are out of my control. But I have started to clean more mindfully than automatically. I am not judging myself for being a clean freak...because there isn't anything wrong with it. Now I am being more conscious of my actions as I clean, and paying attention to how and what I am cleaning instead of just doing it for the sake of control. I have also made an honest effort to not compulsively plan so much for the future, because I tend to get attached to images I create in my mind about the future and when they don't happen I get disappointed, and usually end up blaming someone else instead of just taking responsibility. This compulsive future planning has gotten me into trouble in the past because I realize it makes me less patient, and more judgmental of things that don't go "my way." This is no way to be. Of course, it's important to find a healthy balance between having goals that require planning, and still living in each moment, making decisions that can support that goal, but also contribute to your present happiness. This is much easier said than done, but I've got infinite moments to work on this!

For now, I am very excited for it to be summer (happy summer solstice by the way), and I am looking forward to spending my summer with the kids I love to work with, teaching yoga, going to the beach, eating ice cream, finding a new place to live closer to the city, and loving my bunny to pieces because he is the epitome of amazingness and presence. We can learn SO much from animals, and children. If we are open in our minds and in our hearts, then the world will show it's beauty to us. The world is always showing it's beauty in millions of different ways every single moment of existence...we just fail to notice because we don't take the time to breathe it all in. Each time we take a breath in, we receive from the universe, and each time we breathe out, we give back to the universe. To understand amazing intimacy we share with every single living organism is the greatest gift, because it's the most whole one can ever feel. And there is hope in this feeling of oneness, that maybe one day enough people will experience this interconnectedness enough, that wars will end, and peace will flourish.

Might seem like a lot to have gained in 9 days...the funny thing is, I feel like I just tapped the tip of a huge ice burg, and I can't wait to chip away at the entire thing, for as long as I am on this earth as a human being. :-)

That's all for now...thanks for reading!

Light and Love,

Sarah

Sweet as honey, Bitter as Lemons: Part 2

So, picking up where I left off, I was feeling pretty up and down about having chosen this retreat as my vacation time. The morning of day 5, I had had just about enough of no eye contact, enough solitude,...just enough. Luckily, we had one of our group meetings that morning. During the meeting I had quite an "aha" moment. When one of the women shared that she was really trying to make the week about caring about herself, it was really hard for her, because for years and years she has only been caring about other people. Now, this may seem like pretty simply articulated pyschology that's pretty easy to understand. Well folks, let me tell you how bright a light started shining in my heart about this concept. I always thought I have done a pretty good job of taking care of myself...practicing yoga, reading books, eating healthy...all that good stuff. But the way this woman was talking about it, I realized I was the same way. As a nanny, as a woman who dreams of being an outstanding mother one day, and as an extremely energetically sensitive person, I was not taking enough time for myself to really unwind. The clarity that came with this realization was a bit of a shock...it was no wonder to me why I pass out at the end of the day of exhaustion before 10pm...I'm always taking care of everyone and everything else around me. DUH! :-)

So after that morning meeting, I had a new understanding of why people were keeping their gaze soft, and I was able to do this myself. I dropped into myself, and my meditation really deeply for the rest of the day, and it was really a wonderful feeling. I was able to do the walking meditation, and I was really deep in the sits. While I was sitting, I was practicing the mindfulness that the teachers were talking about all week. Using my breath as an anchor to keep myself present and focused. So, I noticed that my shoulders were really knotted and sore. Instead of trying to adjust myself to a more comfortable position, I tried to "get interested" in the knots. This was intense. All of a sudden, I started to literally feel the knots untie themselves. Once it loosened up a bit, the knot travelled down my arm, causing my arm to twitch out to the side, as if I was throwing away bad energy stuck in my shoulders. This went on for quite some time...all in my left side.

At dinner time, I was really "in it." But all of a sudden, I felt my heart rise into my throat, beating so hard, I thought I was going to throw up. I felt so suffocated and claustrophobic, I grabbed my food and went outside. After a few deep breaths, I was able to feel the calm come back, as I watched mother nature work her magic. I watched a chipmunk chase a robin. I watched a robin chase a frog...I watched birds chase each other, and bees pollinate flowers. Feeling able to breathe, and keep solitude, I finished the night so calm. But that night, I had such violent angry dreams, and I woke up feeling very agitated. Day 5: a successful rollercoaster.

Day 6: I woke up pissed off that I had such an angry dream. Note: NOT A GOOD WAY TO START A DAY OF MEDITATION!!! My mind was racing, as was my heart. I couldn't sit in the morning, because I was so irritated. And instead of just being with the irritation, I was resisting it like nobody's business! So, by 10am, I went to the meditation hall...and within 10 minutes I wanted the bell to ring. But I had 35 minutes left before this was to happen. I'm not even kidding you, I GLARED at the person leading the meditation on the stage...shooting her fireballs with my eyes to try and will her to ring the bell so I could get the hell out of that damn hall. Once the bell rang, I ran out, ran to my room and curled up in a ball on my bed. What was happening to me? Then I remembered something the teachers were talking about in a dharma talk a couple nights before: karmic knots. A karmic knot is inescapable, and everyone has one or many. When we are infants, we absorb all kinds of different energy...mostly from our parents. That is how we learn love, and compassion...but that's also how we learn anxiety, fear, anger. Our parents don't do this intentionally...they are just doing the best they can. So in the middle of my raging fit of irritation, I realized that the previous day, when my arm was twitching...my karmic knots were coming undone. The previous day, was the calm before the storm.

The storm was roaring and I didn't know what to do...I stayed curled in a ball on my bed for hours. I couldn't even face myself. I realized for the first time, how truly fearful I am of not being in control. Many people in my life have told me that I am a "spitfire" or I have a lot of "pizzazz." Really, I was just fearful, and acting out in anger. I'm not an actual ANGRY person...but it's much easier to be angry then go around be fearful of everything. Realizing this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do...ever. It made me hate myself for having so much fearful, angry feelings. I couldn't get away from me. Talk about claustrophobic. My entire body was taken over by these sister emotions. My temperature rose, my heart rate rose, I was walking so fast, my thoughts were out of control. I couldn't sit all day. I couldn't do anything except stay in my bed, hold onto my teddy bear and my blanky, and cry. All I could think was "I thought I was a nice person...how can I be so angry?"

I will finish this post with the journal entry that I wrote before I went to bed, after having a one-on-one personal meeting with one of the teachers.

"Eyes pulsing, neck aching, head throbbing. All I want to do is run. But to where, from what? From myself. Impossible. I have to face myself. That's what I came here to do...but I didn't know I would be so ugly. I've thought good things about myself for a while...but not enough, or not truthfully I guess. I've been lying to myself my whole life. I'm scared, therefore angry. And I'm scared shitless by the anger. Today was the first time in my life that I came face to face with the complexity and intensity and profound deep-rootedness of my fear...and I had no where to run, nothing to do, except face it. It's the most uncomfortable, scary feeling I've ever experienced. It overtook my entire body...I feel so tense and shut off from the beauty in the world. People have always told me that I'm too hard on myself, and I've always thought they were wrong. I decided that I just have high standards which therefore makes me successful. News flash: they were right and I was wrong! The phrase, 'you beat yourself up too much' took on a whole new light today. I literally feel like my 'little s self' kicked the shit out of me. I feel bruised, scared and vulnerable. On the flip side of this, as painful as it is, I'm grateful to start to see the truth. I have years of self-denial and self-delusion to now re-wire, but I will do it. And I'll do it slowly, letting myself take rest when necessary. This 'barreling through the pain' attitude that our culture portrays is so harmful. What's the use in barreling through if we don't take the time to be interested in the experience? I'm scared, no denying that. But what's the alternative? Continuing self-delusion? I obviously knew I wasn't perfect when I decided to sign up for a 9-day silent meditation retreat. I knew I had shit to work out...and I knew I was ready...of course I didn't know how hard it would be, but I knew it wouldn't be easy...and like I said, what's the alternative? I've chosen a path with heart, and I know I'll experience doubt, aversion, frustration, love, compassion, but experiencing it and being interested in it will be what eventually brings me to find peace.

This retreat is all about mindfulness. Soft, steady awareness. Being completely present in each and every moment brings a certain peace into your life. But that peace, like today, can often be a calm before a storm. Today I had a raging angry storm that cracked me open from the inside-out and it scared the crap out of me. But now, with baby-steps I can start to recognize my anger when it arises and notice it...use it as a tool, as information, and know I need to take care of me. Lots of work ahead. But this is where I need to make peace with if I want to have more tolerance and compassion for me and everyone around me. Living my life, by living my yoga: discovering truth, right to it's core." (09 june 2010).

Part 3 coming soon...thanks for reading! :-)

Light and Love,

Sarah

Sweet as honey, Bitter as Lemons: Part 1

Have you ever watched a bumble bee pollinate a flower? It's quite magical, actually. They buzz around, dabbling here and there with different flower buds, trying them out, and continue on buzzing, skimming the surface; wings keeping them afloat. Then they find a delicious looking flower. They land, so meticulously, on the bud, and decide to delve deeper. The outside is tasty, but the inside is where the real good stuff is. It takes them a while to get settled once they've decided to, but then they dig. Delicately, but firmly, planting and digging their legs into the center. It presents some challenges along the way: other bees trying to push of the lucky one who has got his head in the game; the wind picking up out of nowhere, slightly bumping the bee off its course. But the center of the chosen flower is where the nectar is the sweetest, and it's worth digging for. Somehow, the bee knows this to be the truth. Arrival, at last! The center! So delicious, but so exhausting from all the work to get there. Once the bee has tasted enough sweetness, she backs out, dabbling the outer edges once again, then moves on to her next journey, to the heart of the next flower. But the bumble bee has made a difference in the world of bumble bees, other flowers, and therefore...the entire universe.

This, my friends, is the perfect metaphor for meditation. The retreat I went on, proved to be painfully challenging, and pricelessly rewarding. As I arrived at the center called Insight Medication Society (IMS), I had a realization of what I was about to actually embark on. YIKES, this is what i chose for a vacation?! That's all I could think. I was so wound up I was moving at the speed of lightening to try and avoid the reality that was about to smack me upside the head! I finally got settled in a bit, learned my "yogi job" (tasks which we perform every day to keep the center clean and running), and met my room mate. Yes, folks, I had a room mate who I didn't talk to for 9 days!! (She was wonderful).

So let me give you a pretty regular schedule for my day.

5:15 wake up

5:45-6:30 sit.

6:30-7:15 breakfast.

7:15-8:15 work period

8:15-9 sit with instructions.

9:15-10 walking meditation.

10-10:45 sit.

10:45-11:30 walk.

11:30-12 sit.

12-1:30 lunch /(my yogi job=lunch dishes)

1:30-2:15 walk.

2:15-3 sit.

3-4 movement meditation (gentle yoga)

4-4:45 sit.

5-6:15 Tea (dinner)

6:15-6:45 sit.

6:45-7:30 walk

7:30-8:30 Dharma talk

8:30-9 walk

9-9:30 Metta chant and sit.

9:30 rest or option to practice (sit)

I've decided to break these blogs up into a few days at a time...so I'll start with the first full day of the above schedule (which was day 2). The bell was rung at 5:15 am for wake up...first sit at 5:45. I slept through it. Boy was I tired! So as the day proceeded, and the meditation went on, I was pretty restless. Right before the arrival of this Vispassana (Mindfulness) Retreat, there had been a 6-day Metta (loving-kindness) retreat, and some of the people on the Metta retreat were staying for Vipassana retreat. SO, the mood was pretty thick with meditation. I was so unsettled, and restless, all day I was questioning why I had come to this place. Anyway, I made it to the end of the day, having completed 3 seated meditations (45 minutes each..6/day), and none of the walking meditations. The walking meditation was not working for me...not yet. At the end of the day though, I slept SO soundly. I found this interesting the next morning when I felt fully alert and rested when the 5:15 bell went off. Day 2: check!

Day 3: Woke up really stiff. I struggled all morning trying to find some emotional balance within myself. I kept going back and forth from feeling very happy I came, to feeling completely apathetic towards the entire situation. I did some gentle yoga in the afternoon that was led by a teacher there, and it seemed to help a lot. Being on my yoga mat always feels like home, so it helped me settle quite a bit. I also started to feel my whole nervous system started to really slow down...holy exhaustion!! I was very tired by the afternoon, and napped for a while. I didn't realize how wound up I was until silence was everywhere, and my only task for the day was sitting, walking and eating...all done quite slowly. So as day 2 neared the end, I was pretty neutral about everything. At the end of every day, we listened to the teachers give us a 'dharma talk' which was basically an inspirational talk about how to lead us on and keep us on a good path of meditation for the week. The first one was at the end of this day and it was fabulous...then I slept very soundly again, ready for day 3.

Day 4: I woke up a little less stiff. For the first morning sit, I laid on my back in the meditation hall because my back was still a bit sore...I played with my heart energy for a while :-) The second sitting went REALLY well today...I finally started to feel very present. So, the schedule above was pretty much what happened every day...but some days we were broken up into small groups (7 people, and it was the same group for the whole week) and we had an "interview" aka group meeting with one of the 3 teachers of the retreat. They do this to kind of check in with how we are doing, and give us a short chance to speak/share with the group anything we might be experiencing so we can learn from each other and the teacher and offer us any advice that might be helpful to our practice. So today we had our first group meeting and it went pretty well. I was more emotional than I realized and hearing the sound of my own voice after not hearing it for a couple days took me by surprise with many tears. After the meeting I decided to go for a walk in the woods to kind of unwind and I got a little lost which was nice. IMS has 250 acres of land, much of which is magical enchanted forest, so it was pretty beautiful. And it had just rained that morning so there were tons of red efts on the paths that were so cute and bright orange :-). I wore myself out, and took a nap after lunch before sitting some more. I was starting to feel a little lonely and longing for some hugs and smiles...but I made it through the day and slept soundly yet again.

Stay tuned for days 5-7...those were the juicier ones :-)

Light and Love,

Sarah

Welcome to my blog!

I've decided to follow suit, and start a blog of my own. For months and months I've been trying to decide, 'what should the theme be, what should I write about?' I don't think I have decided on one specific theme, but I have decided to focus on my worldview in relation to my yoga practice, on and off the mat. Brace yourselves, this first entry might be a long introduction to the thoughts of Sarah Pearl. :-)

Maybe it's the fact that I am leaving for a 9 day silent meditation retreat on friday, but recently I have been thinking a lot about myself in relation to the world. What's my place? What's my purpose? For those of you who know me well, I know I have at least two purposes on this earth, in this lifetime: to be a mother, and to be a yoga teacher. The mom stuff will come later in life, but the yoga teacher stuff is happening NOW!! It's actually here. It's still surreal, because I can remember 7 years ago, after taking my first yoga class, thinking...'I am going to do that one day!'

So, now I'm a yoga teacher, and a nanny. Both of these jobs bring me endless joy and opportunities to learn, which is more than I could ever ask for. Over the past few months, I have had quite a few people say things to me about how positive my facebook status updates are, or comment on my general positive attitude, and they wonder how I am always happy, or they say 'I wish I had your optimism.' I do think that having not only 1, but 2 jobs that bring me joy, helps quite a bit. However, I do wish to explore a bit deeper into this.

The truth is, I was not always positive and happy. For many years, I was quite depressed and had horrible self-image. I battled with an eating disorder for a while as a dancer, and experienced many years of self-hatred, confusion and claustrophobia in my own skin. I set my standards impossibly high and was always disappointed in myself. Ask my mom and dad, I was quite miserable to be around!

At 16, almost 17, my parents signed me up for an intro to Ashtanga yoga workshop for the month of april in 2003. I did NOT want to go....but i'm SO glad i did! With a strong ballet and gymnastics background, yoga seemed like my thing: so easy and a good workout.

Well, years later, it has proven to be anything but easy...but it has been the best journey I could dream of. I have always been a very passionate, dedicated person. I've always known what I wanted in and out of life. So, when I was 13 and learned about traveling to other countries, I decided that when I went to college, I would go abroad...the location changed every time I learned about a new country,...but the consistency was that I was going abroad, no matter what..nothing would stand in my way.

Well in 2007, it was time to go abroad. India, or Africa? India, or Africa? I went back and forth for months. I finally decided on a program in India, which included yoga every morning, and a 40-hour solo in a cave of the mountains in Hampi, at the end of the program. Of course, I knew my yoga would lead me to the best decision.

For months, I prepared for my 4-month journey across the world...literally. I had every single emotion under the sun about this semester. I knew this was the program, and I knew I needed to go to India. I just couldn't believe that I was actually going to be able to make it happen! When the day finally arrived that I was supposed to leave for INDIA, I had the biggest butterflies in my stomach...and did i mention, that my stomach was in my heart, and my heart was in my throat? FOUR MONTHS away from EVERYTHING I have ever known? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?!?! Well, whatever I was thinking, was rational in some universe, because that semester is what made me as happy as I am today.

I could write an entire blog on my semester in India, and yes, I should have kept one...but I was a bit behind the technological times for a while, and I just wanted to take everything in...I did keep a journal which I am forever grateful for having done.

So, sparing most of the details in India, the reason I mention it is because most of the lessons in life that are the most important, in my opinion, are the ones I learned when I was across the world, away from everything that ever made any kind of sense to me.

Being thrown into the most foreign situation possible, other than the language within our own program, will make you take a look at your life, and yourself. I learned that I was not a very adaptable person; I didn't deal well with change; I like routine and schedule; I make friends easily; I am easy to talk to; my english is very clear; my french is beautiful; I didn't NEED toilet paper to survive! :-); I can take care of myself; I AM SO BLESSED.

I learned so many more things, but these were a few that stuck out initially. I can take care of myself. I know what I need, and I am able to take care of me. That seems so simple, but really, it is what carried me through the semester, and continues to carry me successfully through life. Knowing yourself to recognize your needs is so important. So many people let others walk all over them, or ignore their own needs to make others happy, or to make situations have less conflict...it's not worth it in the end.

I am so blessed. I learned this in the most crude, humbling way possible over the course of the 4 months I was away. Things that I have always had access to, my whole life, were no longer accessible, and that was really hard for a couple reasons. 1. I realized the people in India never had access to these things, such as hot water, a full refrigerator, comfy beds, basically anything I could ever want or need. 2. I didn't have these things that made my life easier, so I had to figure out another way. Initially #2 was difficult because it made me very homesick, but eventually #2 made me more grateful for everything in my life, than I ever thought possible.

Coming home, I had a really hard time integrating all these things I learned into a life that I was given that had so many opportunities. Shouldn't I feel guilty, that I have a roof over my head, so many choices for everything; when people in India are starving on the side of the road? I still sometimes have this battle with myself about guilt versus appreciation. That's the key...as long as I show appreciation to all the things and people I have in my life, then I feel like I deserve them, and feeling guilty won't do anyone any good.

I guess the reason I am sharing all of this, is because I am still having that internal struggle in a lot of situations of guilt versus appreciation. I take everything to such an extreme sometimes i.e. I just had my first sinus infection. I felt worse than I have felt in a very long time. But the whole time I was sick, I was trying to think of how happy I am to have had my comfy bed, and hot showers to help me feel better. It wasn't until the 5th day of sickness that I really said, "wow, I feel like death." And i finally let myself complain and wallow in my sickness for the day.

My biggest goal for this meditation retreat is to be able to cultivate more of an inner balance with myself, and be able to translate that in my heart for all the people in my life. Because I don't (ever) cut myself some slack, I tend to not cut others any slack, and it's just not fair, and it's not the compassionate person I know that I am.

If you read this whole post, you are amazing, and I thank you for reading! I want to write regularly when I come back from this journey into silence, into myself, to discover, unwind, re-wind, and love the real me.

For those of you reading and looking for some more happiness in your life, my biggest piece of advice is to just be grateful. Thank the shower head for giving you hot water. Hug your bed for being so comfortable. Smile into the fridge when you see it is full. Tell the important people in your life, that they are important to you...just for the hell of it. All of these actions, silly as they may seem, will cultivate endless love in your life, and in your self.

Light and Love,

Sarah