The long work weeks have been a little bit of a blessing, and a little bit of a curse. It's been good to have a constant distraction from thinking or feeling too much...but it's also been hard to have no time to myself, to just sit. However, I have found that when I do have some time to just sit, I crash. And I crash pretty hard. I have not been in a balanced place all summer. I haven't felt a lot of peace within myself, or within my surroundings. I suppose the two are connected...another blessing and curse.
I guess the biggest blow that has hit me this summer as a result of the previous posts, is the realization that I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. If you had met me, talked to me, or even seen me back in february, I would have told you how happy I was with myself, and pretty much every single part of my life.
Early march, I lost myself in a joke of a relationship, and we'll leave it at that. I became someone I wasn't and found out how true it was that my biggest strength, is by far my biggest weakness: caring too much about others, before truly caring about myself. Once I realized it was time to nix that and start to recover, I got the news about Brian. So the initial healing that needed to take place was put on the backburner, and full-swing Sarah mode was turned on high. Now that the summer is winding down, and I don't even remember half of it since I was working the whole time...I'm realizing how much I neglected t recognize all summer about myself. Everything is so fleeting, it still blows my mind. Just yesterday, I was floating on cloud 9, from great yoga, great friends. And today I'm exhausted and feeling negative about everything. I wonder if there is some kind of consistent balance to be found, or if this roller coaster is just life, and finding acceptance in the ride is what makes it feel balanced even if it isn't.
Forgiveness is another part of this summer that has eluded me. I tend to hold grudges against myself, and therefore others as well. I have not forgiven myself for getting so lost in march, and not realizing how lost I was until 2.5 months later. It took 9 days of silent meditation to snap me back to reality, and make me understand the danger of the situation I put myself in. I am grateful to have seen what I needed to do, and then be able to do it, but wow do I feel set back.
I know I am probably viewing this in a negative way when a positive spin could just as easily be put on it...but that's another part of my problem these days...I need some more perspective in my life. I have become so consumed this summer in petty things. My desire to control everything around me is out of control...I clean all the time, I organize everything more than once...because then it's predictable, and in order. Life isn't this way! I logically understand this concept, but I can't seem to completely wrap myself around it and just let go a bit.
I think I've cause a lot of my own sadness and pain this summer because I surround myself with constant distractions. I have become like a slave to my cell phone. Always checking it, or sending a text message, or looking something up on the internet. I get anxious that I missed an important call from a friend who might need something. I always have music on, or I just put on the tv for company. I can't just be here, because I am scared of the feelings that I will have to feel. It's just too much. Just last night in yoga, a song came on while we were doing some hip opening postures, and BAM tears were streaming down my face. It was the first time in 2 months that I have had a Savasana that I actually rested, and stayed present...but afterwards I didn't know what to do with myself. I had to compose myself so I could teach, but I have been a wreck all day.
Enough of that. On a much happier note, I am moving out of my dumpy apartment in one week! A fresh start, a new place, a new beautiful room mate, in a fantastic location, for less money per month than I'm paying now. I will start my fall hours for work next week as well, which is 25 hours instead of 50. amazing. My class at Back Bay Yoga is SO much fun, and going so well. And I will be able to finish the summer by assisting two fantastic yoga teachers in Nantucket for a yoga retreat labor day weekend. A well deserved restful weekend of beach, yoga, and girlfriends. Hopefully I can rejuvenate enough to have the courage to face all the feelings I've been avoiding all summer, and I can start the fall season with a smile from the heart.
I want to post some more positive posts in the near future...if you read this whole thing, thanks for reading :)
light and love,
Sarah
