"Being Human" --Naima Pettiman

I wonder if the sun debates dawn

some mornings

not wanting to rise

out of bed

from under the downfeather horizon.

If the sky grows tired

of being everywhere at once

adapting to the mood swings of the weather.

If the clouds drift off

trying to hold themselves together

make deals with gravity

to loiter a little longer.

I wonder if rain is scared

of falling

if it has trouble letting go

If snowflakes get sick

of being perfect all the time

each one trying to be one-of-a-kind.

I wonder if stars wish

upon themselves before they die

if they need to teach their young how to shin.

I wonder if shadows long

to once feel the sun

if they got lost in the shuffle

not knowing where they're from.

I wonder if sunrise and sunset

respect each other

even though they've never met.

If volcanoes get stressed

If storms have regrets

If compost believes in life after death.

I wonder if breath ever thinks

about suicide

I wonder if the wind just wants to sit

still sometimes

and watch the world pass by.

If smoke was born knowing how to rise

If rainbows get shy backstage

not sure if their colors match right.

I wonder if lightening sets an alarm clock

to know when to crack

If rivers ever stop

and think of turning back.

If streams meet the wrong sea

and their whole lives run off track.

I wonder if the snow wants to be black.

If the soil thinks she is too dark

If butterflies want to cover up their marks

If rocks are self-conscious of their weight

If mountains are insecure of their strength.

I wonder if waves get discouraged

crawling up the sane

only to be pulled back again

to where they began.

I wonder if land feels stepped upon,

If sand feels insignificant

If trees need to question their lovers

to know where they stand.

If branches waver in the crossroads

unsure of which way to grow

If the leaves understand they're replaceable

and still dance when the wind blows.

I wonder where the mood goes when she is hiding

I want to find her there

and watch the ocean

spin from a distance.

Listen to her

stir in her sleep.

This poem was read to me on the meditation retreat and it helped bring so much clarity to my understanding of being human. I hope it gives you goosebumps :)

Space

The time has come! I think I'm ready to share my experience of this year's meditation retreat, for those of you curious. I of course don't exactly know where to start, but I suppose I have already started :)

Upon driving to the retreat I had some serious anxiety. What was I about to face in myself this week? Would I like it? Would it be healing? Would it be painful? I called my mom and cried my eyes out.

When I drove up to the center, the peace and quiet was palpable. I felt better at once. It felt so good to be back.

After unpacking my things in my room and meeting my room mate, (who i knew!--crazy!), i walked around, exploring, wondering. We had our dinner and welcome talk that evening, and then the "nobel silence" began. Nobel silence being, no speaking, no eye contact (on purpose), no cell phones, computers or ipods. No books and preferably no journals but that wasnt reinforced.

They really set up a space to create a quiet bubble of safety in this silence...and it works...wow does it work.

For the first three days I was so restless. I couldn't settle in to any of the sitting periods, and it was so hard to stop. In stopping, I found that i was exhausted. I slept 10 hours a night, and needed a 2 hour nap each day for the first 3 days. It was like I hadn't slept in months.

On day 4, I started to feel the quiet seep into myself a bit more. I was confronted with a lot of emotions, some of which were anger, sadness and frustration. And even though these emotions don't sound pleasant, which they weren't...it felt good to feel them. It felt so good to feel them in a place of such safety. No one was judging my anger or telling me to calm down or push it away. No one was pitying my tears and telling me it was going to be ok. It just felt so good to FEEL.

On the 5th day, I realized why I came on the retreat. Complete peace and quiet seeped into my every cell. For the first time in a year, my heart didn't hurt, my head wasn't stressing, and my body felt really rested. On this day, i found true equanimity for a full 4-5 hours. I have never felt so peaceful in my life. In these 5 hours I had so many realizations, and was able to accept them completely without judgment.

First of all, I realized how wound up I was before I came on the retreat. I cannot believe how quickly I was moving, how extremely I was multi-tasking, and how judgmental I was of myself and everyone. I couldn't stop before this retreat! I filled my days with too many things to get done, and stressed out when I didn't finish them. I set expectations of myself that were unrealistic and got angry with myself when I didn't exceed them!

Why was I doing this? Over the last year, a lot of emotional traumatic things happened in my life. After returning from last years retreat, I ended a bad relationship, my dear friend killed himself, and a close family member had cancer. And I was wondering why I didn't want to stop? Not really. I realized in these 5 peaceful hours that all my running around had been my coping mechanism to protect my heart. I had seriously disassociated from my body, from my feelings, to just keep going. In the couple of months leading up to the decision to go on this retreat, I had noticed how disconnected I was feeling, and that's why I decided to go. I guess I just didn't realize how intense the disconnection had become.

In those 5 life-changing hours, I was able to understand myself in a way I've never experienced. I am human. Human's have this incredible range of emotions and abilities. My body did what it needed to do to keep going in this last year, and my mind disconnected from a lot of it. But that's ok! I realize that it's good that I did it! I had been feeling like my sense of intuition was dwindling because I was starting to notice the disconnection that had happened, but really it never left! Because i KNEW i needed this retreat, and I listened to my heart and took the time to go. The best way to describe those 5 hours? Coming home.

As the peace and quiet started to pass (because it won't stay forever even though we grow attached to it) it was ok that it passed, because I could only feel full of gratitude for experiencing them at all. I cried a lot. I felt a lot. I came home to myself and that feeling of coming home has burnt itself into my heart. It's amazing.

Re-adjusting to my daily life was a shock to say the least. I am no longer allowing myself to multi-task the way I was (nor do I even feel that it is possible now that I have all this space to see). I turn my phone off at night. I do one thing at a time so I can give my attention to that one thing and not spread myself too thin. I feel a huge improvement in my teaching, because I have reconnected with my own heart, so I can speak from it. It's the most beautiful feeling, and it's exactly what I needed from that retreat. I am still adjusting, and making changes here and there to accommodate a slower, more mindful lifestyle, at my own pace :).

I feel like I have only touched the surface of what I was able to absorb in those 7 days of silence, but hopefully you enjoyed reading this. I will certainly be participating in meditation retreats as long as I live. Thanks for reading :)

Om Shanti, Light and Love

Sarah