As I sit here, trying to somehow organize all of my thoughts, I have actual tears just streaming down my face. I am so overwhelmed. Everything feels heavy. That's just today. Some days I feel like I have everything together, and am able to focus on gratitude, and how lucky we are to be safe, have our jobs, and be together. Other days, all I can do is get tunnel visioned into the future and the weight of not knowing when our next break will be just about crushes me. I haven't had a vacation in 14 months. And I came home with E. Coli from that vacation. I had one booked for end of March: canceled. Canceled, and at home in quaratine with zero support for the foreseeable future. I'm grateful for my jobs that keep me busy and interacting with other humans (kind of), but it's also those jobs that make it that much harder to have a 5 year old and a 2 year old at home all of the time with no help. ITS SO FUCKING INTENSE. Today is a day that it feels harder to breathe because the weight of it all is just so much.
Everyone says "make sure you check in with someone" or "ask for help if you need it"...well guess what? I can't have help because no one can watch my kids. I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE. I also know that knowing I'm not alone does not make it easier. If anything it breaks my heart even more that many people are in the same situation as me...feeling this heaviness and suffering. I also know that I'm allowed to feel this grief. It's so real, and it's so valid. We have so much: YES. We have lost so much: YES.
Some days, I feel EVERYTHING I have already written. Different times of days yield different reactions. I'm getting to a point where the smallest things just set me off and I feel like I'm losing my mind, because I haven't had a break in longer than any human shouldn't have a break for.
I'm drinking so much more alcohol than I ever have before. I'm making less than stellar food choices because they are comforting. I don't feel like I have much control over anything...and THE ANXIETY OH MY GOD THE ANXIETY. Being married to a high risk Type 1 Diabetic husband is already anxiety-inducing enough in normal circumstances. In a pandemic where he is much more likely to die from this virus than others? FUCK. I don't know how to "chill out" anymore. There is no separation between home, work, eating, community (whats that?), sleep etc. It's all meshing together. Weekends don't feel like a break. NOTHING FEELS LIKE A BREAK.
There is no point, or solution to this post. It's be trying to somehow make sense of the total fucking shitshow we're in...and feeling angry about the people who aren't taking it seriously and not staying home.
Today, I don't have it in me to dig deep and use the yoga teachings, and sit and feel. It would probably help...but it's also cathartic to just feel shitty sometimes...because I do know it will pass. I have been on a rollercoaster of ALL OF THE FEELINGS for 4 weeks now, and I'm tired, nauseous, unimpressed and ready to get off this ride. Ups and downs. Hoping we can find neutral sooner than later.
Peace.
Sarah
