today, i had a miscarriage

as i lay here curled around myself,
the deep ache in my womb
serving as a reminder of the strength
of your attempt to make a life here,
i just let the tears flow.

i didn't know that one person
could cry this many tears without drying up.
i didn't know that a tiny being
that i never even felt kick
could nearly shatter me from the inside out.
i didn't know that sadness
could be so cellular.

i didn't know all these things i didn't know.

As i sat on the toilet
and felt you ease out of me 
in so many parts; 
i could smell birth, blood and death.
i could hear my own grief as
i cried out in sorrow. i could feel
myself starting to heal; however
long it will take.

as i stood in the shower
and watched our blood pool 
on the floor, mixed with my tears
and fresh water; i watched the drain
gracefully accept all of these things
and wash them away.

my love for you
will never be washed away
and never be forgotten. 
my love for you
will be part of me forever
and for that i am grateful.
to be loved, you need to be known,
and even though we never met
in the traditional way,
you have left your mark on my heart 
and in my womb, forever.

today, i had a miscarriage
and the only thing that got me through
was knowing how many warriors
in my life are walking around who 
have survived this ache, and continue to shine.

maybe one day, i will shine for someone
and you will be the reason
i can help them through.

as i lay here curled around myself
the deep ache in my womb
starting to slowly ease up,
serving as a reminder of my own strength
that will help me make another life here.