Moving Forward

 In 5 days, I will participate in the triathlon I signed up for when I was in the darkest place I have ever been in my life.  That was 5 months ago.  In my darkest moment, I knew if I didn't plan SOMETHING in the future, even if it wasn't guarenteed, I needed to have something to motivate me to not get stuck in the darkness for way too long.

To look back on where I was just 5 months ago, to where I am now is incredibly humbling and inspiring and I feel deep pride, hope and strength from deep within myself.  I still have a long way to go, but don't we all?  I don't think healing ever really ends.  Since we lost our baby, I cry more easily (and those of you who know me, know that I already cried pretty easily), have more anxiety, feel more deeply, and have many "off" moments.  But it's in the "off" moments that I can notice my grief, which is my love for what I have lost, and also my love for what is in front of me.

I spent SO much time outside this summer, and enjoyed my children's joy at the outside adventures, water, warm weather, ice cream, friends etc.  This was the fastest summer of my life.  I spent a lot of it training for this triathlon that has kept me moving my body.  The walks, runs, swims and bikes havent been fast...but they have me moving forward.  My mantra for the last 5 months has been "move forward, no matter the pace."  

I have no intention of racing this triathlon.  I just want to finish it, no matter how long it takes.  And the power of this mantra has absolutely taken root, because for the first time in my life I actually genuinely do not care how I perform on Saturday, as long as I am listening to my body, having fun, and find a way to finish this race.  I am confident I can do it and am feeling excited for the accomplishment.

I hope I don't experience such darkness again in my lifetime.  There is a chance I will.  There is a chance you will.  I write this blog as a reminder to myself, and hopefully a reminder to you, that no matter how dark it gets, you are not alone.  Someone else is struggling with you, and if we can open our hearts to the darkness, thats how some of the light starts to come in.  Here is a little poem that came out of me today.

Darkness consumed me 
like no other darkness before.
Nothing was visible; everything
was suffocating and squeezing my heart 
too hard.

In the pause between
my heartbeats, the darkness
tried to consume me...
...but what is that?

A hug, a meal, a touch
a long drive, grace, empathy
understanding and love
love and more love.

A Twinkle of Light.

The dimmest of light started 
to shine a way forward.
Tiny bursts of light between
long waves of darkness.

Giving glimmers of hope
and resilence.  I am 
shown that
my grief is the same as the depth 
of my love...
and this encourages the light
to shine brighter.

Moments turned to hours,
hours to days, days to weeks,
and weeks to months.

Each new days I get 
up and move 
my body forward as 
my mind tries to keep up.

The light keeps shining
and my mind and body
keep moving forward
embracing the darkness...

...because without the
depth of this darkness
this light would not
shine nearly as bright as it does.

That twinkle...My Twinkle...
has grown into a blazing
fire of grit & softness,
joy & hope, grief and love.

In gratitude,

Sarah