I have been thinking a lot lately about friendship, and it's lack of parameters our society places on the value or definition of friendship. It seems that each person likely has their own idea/understanding/expectations of what friendship means; of what it means to be a friend. There is no social expectation or etiquette around openly sharing this "definition" with others when we meet new people, or when new people come into our lives. To be fair, sometimes it's just mutually understood and doesnt need to be named...but many times it seems as though it's a bit illusive and by sharing these thoughts with one another, a lot of pain could be avoided in the long run of the relationship.
In my mind, the way I often show up for a friend, is the way that I would like to be shown up for...but I also recognize that in more sensitive situations, and as you really get to know someone, their needs might differ from yours. In the beginning of a new friendship, I tend to show up the way I expect someone to show up for me. As our relationship evolves, and more conversations have been had, more experiences, experienced together and the relationship deepens, I try to notice how my friend likes to have space held for them, and do that when they need it. If it's unclear for a while how my friend needs someone to show up for them, I tend to default treating them the way I would hope they'd hold space for me.
I find it interesting how loose of a definition we place on friendship too. I don't think we use the word aquaintence often enough, or appropriately either. When my kids start a new camp, and they don't know anyone else attending...I often find myself saying "you'll make so many new friends this week!" Which may be true...but it feels like a truer statement would be "maybe you will meet someone this week that will become a good friend."
We have a lot of clarity and definitions around romantic relationships or parent-child relationships, and because of this, we also have more empathy when a romantic relationship doesn't work out be it a break up, or a divorce, or an estrangement of a parent. Without the clarity on friendship, we also don't have a template or enough empathy as a society for what it means to lose a friend. Losing a friend can cut deeper sometimes than losing a partner; and people brush it off like you lost a favorite earring at the beach or something. How is this the case? Friends are people who you have chosen to be in your life-in my mind, of course it would cut deeper!
I have lost a couple of very dear friends through the last couple of years, and I have shed many tears, cursed many curses, and felt all the feelings around being disappointed, hurt, let down, SAD, lost etc. Losing a friend when you had unknown expectations of that person to be in your life much longer than they chose to be, or had the capacity to be, deserves time for grief. As I have learned, in these last few months especially, grief is MESSY and it shows up whenever the hell it wants to. We aren't in control when it does show up, and it's just our job to let it show up, take over, move through.
This hellish pandemic has caused so many layers of grief for everyone in their own lives, that it's also hard to know what is even fair to expect of people anymore. It feels like as a collective, we have lost our ability to know what we need, how to figure out what we need, let alone how to seek out what we need and nourish ourselves. The only reason I have been able to loosely figure out how to move through each day, each week, each month etc, is due to past experience and drawing on what has worked before. And even that has its limitations, because I am not the same person I was a year ago.
I don't make it a secret that I struggle with my body image. It's been a life long struggle of mine. And over the last 18 months, it's been the biggest internal struggle I have faced daily. Of the last 18 months, we were coming out of the darkest part of covid for about 3 months (trying to recover from a hard year of it all), tried to get pregnant for 7 months, got pregnant TWICE and was pregnant for about 6 months, and have spent the last 3 months recovering from not only losing both pregnancies, but also losing a bit part of myself in the process. I have been filled with hatred and resentment towards my body because I feel betrayed, disconnected and angry that it's not doing what I want it to do; or it's not looking the way I think it should, or want it to look. These negative feelings don't help any healing take place though.
Even though I have not had a wonderful relationship with my physical body for most of my life, I have always thought that I am a fun person to hang with. I have a great sense of humor, I am smart and can carry on great conversation. I am generous, loving and caring. I have no issues being vulnerable and open about all the things. I am so strong, physically and emotionally. I'm a great mom, even if I wonder that some days, I know in my heart I am.
What these last few months have shown me as I try to come back to myself is that I need to befriend myself. I would NEVER not be friends with someone if I thought about their bodies the way I think about mine. It would NEVER cross my mind. When becoming friends with someone, I want to find all the qualities that I just listed that I like about myself, in someone else. Add in someone who will challenge me to learn, and be my best honest self always. In this process of returning to me, I think I have befriended myself more than I ever could have expected to. And even though my grief over lost friends, or grief of having to drastically shift expectations of friendships is all valid...it's also softened by the fact that I have become my own best friend and I will never leave myself (consciously) again. If I do disassociate, I also know that I am always here to come back to.
So as the growing and the learning continue to happen daily, I have realized that friendship is incredibly sacred to me, but it doesn't mean it is to everyone. I have A LOT of amazing aquaintences and a small handful of very good FRIENDS...and that's ok. Most of all, becoming my own friend has opened my heart in ways I never knew could happen; and I hope you can find your way to yourself if you haven't already.
Thanks for reading <3
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