Current mood: BRING IT ON.
This year has been one of the hardest years of my life.
Quick recap:
First miscarriage (suspected twins), Dec 2021.
Big move to western mass, in a blizzard (a good thing, but a hard thing), January 2022
Find out we're pregnant again (surprise!), January 2022
Commence puking, exhaustion, inability to settle into new home, Jan-March 2022
Find out we're losing our second baby, March 2022
D&E procedure (first time i have ever had an IV or anestesthia, April 2022
Roe V Wade news gets released, April 2022
Hospital messes up genetic testing on our baby including it's sex, Apirl 2022
Ulvane School shooting, May 2022
Get COVID, June 2022
Were there some great things that happened in there? YES! I got to go on two magical yoga retreats, and I know in my BONES that if I had not had that time to connect with myself I truly would never have survived all the things listed above. I mean it. I would have been crushed. We also gained a new family member in Feb...my niece (who I have yet to meet because of life and covid). We were also HELD BY SO MUCH LOVE and support and light during the darkest months of our lives. There has been plenty of good. But it's been A LOT of not so good and I have hardly processed the half of it. Life doesn't slow down though. It just keeps going and going and going and you have to keep up. So we've somehow kept up. Somehow I haven't been crushed. Yoga, therapy, grief counseling, friends, family, snuggles, ice cream, triathlon training and our new beautiful spacious home have kept me OK.
In the beginning of 2022, my intention for the year was to create more spaciousness, and find more joy. We created a lot more physical spaciousness in our move and it has made things a lot more manageable in many ways-having some actual physical space to be in our grief and to move around without feeling like we were cramped. For a minute, there was also a lot more spaciousness in my heart due to a new baby we thought we were having, but also due to the incredibly meaningful time I got to spend with myself, and my baby on the second retreat I attended in March. I felt new chambers of my heart open up so wide, and a deeper connection with myself than I have ever felt since becoming a mother.
I'm convinced that the spaciousness that was cultivated/discovered is what allowed there to be enough space for all of the grief that came shortly after. Of course, grief IS love, and there was so much space for it within my heart and my body.
As I come out the haze of grief, life moving so fast, navigating my days, organizing our schedules, figuring out how to pivot my work to not be so triggering, training for a triathlon in Sept...I am starting to find joy again. Bits and pieces here and there. Usually, the most joy I have found is when I am moving my body, feeling embodied, and connecting to my physical strength. Last Sunday, I went for a bike ride for the first time in over 2 years. I went out attempting 10 miles, feeling that was a good starting point. About halfway through the ride, I came upon a gnarly hill. I looked at it and literally said out loud "Oh fuck me." In my verbal moment of doubt, still moving forward, two cardinals flitted out in front of me, at the top of the hill, dancing, as if to say "you have done so many harder things than ride up this hill." So I rode up the hill and felt pure exilarating JOY at the top of it. And i completed the 10 mile ride I set out to do.
I have conquered some of the hardest days of my life--not always with grace--but that's not always expected--and I am still standing. Life has been harder on most humans since Jan 2020...but my life has been REALLY hard for the last 6 months. I somehow have not been crushed, but instead have already found ways to appreciate my strength (both physically and emotionally), allowed myself the space I deserve to be a mess, and leaned heavily on all the support I have cultivated over the years of my life.
Tish Melton sings the most beautiful song for my favorite podcast...the name of the song and the podcast "We Can do Hard Things"...there is a line in the song that sings "I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start; I'm not the problem, sometimes, things fall apart..." This resonates deeply this year. I hit rock bottomn in terms of my physical and mental/emotional health (for me), and it is now starting to feel like a brand new start. I get to reinvent how I see and appreciate my body. I have more sacred appreciation and space for boundaries with work and where I put my energy. I'm still working on the trusting the universe piece...some days are easier in that regard than others...but when I do lean into the trust piece, everything usually falls into place.
Do I want MORE challenges to deal with this year? Hell no. Am I going to have them? Most likely yes. Bring it on, 2022...you havent crushed me yet and you never will.
In gratitude,
Sarah
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