"How are you doing?"
The worst question I have come to dread with all my being. When asked this question, do I answer honestly? Or do I answer the way I know people would like to hear? Here is my honest answer.
I'm not doing well. I am consumed by a heavy sadness all the time that makes it close to impossible to feel any joy, even in the small things. I miss the baby I was supposed to be growing and counting down the days till I could hold and snuggle them. I miss sleeping because that's still a thing that completely alludes me. I am deep in grief. I'm grieving the loss of so much more than just the baby. I'm also grieving the loss of seeing my kids become siblings and watching them nurture a little one with us. I'm uncomfortable in my body that changed so much for 6 months to house these babies, and now has no baby to help get her back to normal working function. On top of my grief for these things, I have to move forward with the rest of the world, because life goes on. I want life to just pause so I can have a MINUTE to even try and process the depth of my sadness.
Gratitude used to bring me back to myself. Finding something to be grateful for used to reconnect me with my heart; bring me back into my body; offer perspective. I can't seem to find that connection anymore. When I try and feel my heart, all I feel is brokenness. It's like the spark plug is dead and nothing can seem to fully revive it.
When I think of a bird's eye view into my life, I think "wow. I have everything I have ever wanted: a beautiful family, a dream house, lots of land, incredible friends etc"...but I can't seem to FEEL the beauty and gratitude of this reality. It's just something my brain knows, and my heart can't feel. I'm so fucking sad all the time.
Working as a doula isn't helping me heal. It's shoving my grief into my face at a rate so rapid I can hardly breathe. My resting heartrate is the highest it's ever been because I feel that I'm never resting. I'm always on the edge of my seat, waiting to be needed, and anxious that I won't be able to hold the space that my clients need due to the depth of my grief. Somehow, I find the space for them...and then I completely fall apart. It's a viscious cycle.
I'm creating a temporary exit plan from birth work for a while. I need a job, and I want a job, I just don't know what that is yet or what it will look like. Having this plan, though it's not solidified as to what it will be, is helping me know I have a break coming up. The current situation is not sustainable for me, my heart or my family.
So..how am I? I'm not great. I'm struggling. I miss my baby. I feel triggered all day by other people being pregnant; by thursdays because that's the day I would have been another week closer to meeting my baby; by my work; by social media which I also have an exit plan for; by my exhaustion because I can't sleep. The heaviness and depth of my sadness feels endless-I don't think it will be this bad forever-but unfortunately grief doesn't have a timeline. So until I start to wake up feeling less heavy, something needs to shift.
I can't really give this kind of answer to people when they ask how I'm doing. So I usually just say "hanging in there. Taking things day by day."
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