I'm not cut out for this...but here I am

The thought that keeps repeating in my mind:  I'm not cut out to be a pandemic mom...but here I am.  If I stay true to my belief that none of us are given more than w can handle...then I must be stronger than I think, and in fact cut out for this...because Here I Am.  I often have to remind myself, and need the outside reminder, that just because I'm strong enough to do something, doesn't mean the process is going to be smooth sailing.  This process, of working full time, mothering two children who are home full time, and not being able to go anywhere...it's NOT A PRETTY PROCESS.  I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears due to how incredibly overwhelmed I feel at the task of getting through each morning, let alone each day. 

I love my kids.  Unconditionally.  That will never change.  But I have had the thought (many times) that this whole pandemic lockdown situation would be a lot easier without them around.  It would be easier on my mental and emotional health to not have to figure out how to do 10 things simultaneously all day long, but it would also be a lot easier to not have the CONSTANT worry about the kind of world I brought these babies into.  The overwhelming sadness at all they are losing out on. 

ITS TEMPORARY.  That's true.  But it's also SO REAL AND SO INTENSE.  Just like there is so much unknown about COVID19...there is a lot of unknowns about how the hell I'm going to cope with my kids being home full time with NO CHILDCARE for the foreseeable future.  I don't know how we're going to get through this.  And I worry deeply about how it will effect my children in the long run.

This is where TRUST and FAITH come in.  I do genuinely believe that we are not given more than we can handle in this life.  Sometimes I doubt it because of how incredibly overwhelmed I feel...but I always get through things and on the other side am reminded of my strength and resilience.  This time, I'm hoping to find some comfort in the fact that I am not the only one in this situation.  In fact, globally, we are apparently strong enough to deal with this complete shitshow...because we're in it.  I think about my grandmother living through the depression, WWI and WWII.  She made it through and was the most amazing woman I have ever known.  She is part of me.  We all come from strength, resilience and community SOMEWHERE.  So now we need to DIG SO DEEP...connect to our ancestors, to our roots...and remember that the world has been through SO MUCH WORSE SO MANY TIMES.

I write this not only to help myself process a bit, but also for those of you out there who doubt your strength in getting through this.  For the mothers who are spent by noon, and have to dig deep to go for 8 more hours.  I see you all.  For better or worse, I feel you all (part of my problem and part of my strength).  When I actually stop, sit and look around and listen to my breath...actually BE PRESENT for even just a moment, I feel less anxious...I feel thankful for everything we do have rather than what we don't have.  Those moments feel very brief, but are incredibly healing as well.

This post feels disorganized, like my mind...and that's why I'm not editing it or trying to make it sound better or even have a specific point here.  Life is hard right now, but as always, it is what we make it.  It's ok to feel what you feel...and have days that aren't pretty...now more than ever.  We just need to remember that picking each back up and sending virtual hugs are important things.  Share your feelings--don't sugar coat them--then let it go.  They'll resurface and that's ok.  This is part of the process, and it's not pretty...it doesn't have to be.

I'm not cut out for this---but Here I Am.  And so are you.

With Love (from a healthy distance)
Sarah