At 33, I am very lucky to say I have only experienced one tragic loss and it happened 9.5 years ago. It seems that with tragedy, there is more compassion, empathy, and support for the survivor's well being, than if a loss is more natural and not tragic. People share tragic stories with me every week and I'm aware of tragedy in the world...sometimes so aware that I can feel the weight of it all at once and need to just be quiet and still so I can feel myself breathing. With a tragic loss, there seems to be different phases of processing. First you process the tragedy...then however long it takes...you move onto the loss part of the experience. It's almost like the tragic part provides a segway into processing what/who you lost.
So, when my grandmother passed away 6.5 months ago...there was nothing tragic about it. She lived a full, long, incredible life for 95 years. She died peacefully in her bed surrounded by people who love her deeply...myself being one of them. Everything about her passing was natural, beautiful and peaceful. I convinced myself that because of these facts, I could also just be at peace with her passing, because it was inevitable and part of life. I found comfort in being able to witness the whole thing because there was no question in my mind or my heart as to whether she was exactly where she needed to be.
November 6 marked 6 months since she left this earth. And I realized that I had never gone more than 6 months in my whole life without seeing her. I havent been able to stop crying since Nov 6. I long for one more hug, and to hear her laugh. I'd give anything to hear her tell me how proud of me she is and how much she loves my kids. I want to hear her tales from her childhood and how much money she paid for a bag of pears 35 years ago when they were on sale. Why am I all of a sudden a total disaster now? Grief. Greif and Ego. I was ignorantly bottling up my sadness around what I lost, because I was trying so hard to focus on what I am grateful for in the 33 years I got to know her. In some ways my ego protected me here from falling apart and not being able to hold space for anyone around me. I felt guilty when sadness crept in, in the early weeks of her passing, because there was nothing tragic about her death. I was focusing so hard on what I gained from our relationship, and didn't let in the thoughts of loss, for fear of never being able to stop crying. But here I am: crying all the time. My ego has ultimately lost the battle of inevitable emotions needing to release. She had a time and place to protect me from the true rawness of the first few months, and now she needs to rest so I can just cry.
Not everyone gets to have their grandmother as their soul mate...but I did. This woman saw me take my very first breaths, and I laid with her as she took her last. To me, there is nothing more profoud in life than this very thing. I will forever be grateful for her because I literally wouldn't be who I am without her in my life. She taught me things only she could teach me, and she loved me in a way only she could. She was the most special person I will ever know, and now I just miss her so much my whole body aches for her hug. I know the intensity of this missing her won't last forever...but right now it feels fresh and vulnerable and painful.
I didn't expect to be so blindsided by grief, but here I am. I haven't been able to put a finger quite on why I havent felt totally myself since May 6, 2019 and I don't know why it took me 6 months to connect the dots but there you have it. I'm overwhelmed with sadness, and just letting it pass through. It comes in waves, and waves always ebb and flow. I'm learning that just because there isn't a tragedy connected to a loss, it doesn't make the loss any less painful or difficult to deal with. I'm notorious for being hard on myself and expecting way more than is fair...and this is my challenge now: to be kind, compassionate and empathic to my feelings. To let them be valid, raw and as they are; with the intuitive knowledge that they will pass as they always do.
I cry in happiness for what I had with my Mem. I cry in sadness for what I miss. I cry in gratitude that she had a beautiful relationship with my own children. I cry in sheer ecstacy that I was able to lay with her as she left her body. I cry in joy for her love. I cry in celebration and mourning for her beautiful life.
No one talks about this stuff. Let's talk about it and be ok with tears. They are sacred waters of emotion, humanity and beauty when we let them out.
In Gratitude, and all of the feelings,
Sarah
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