It's April: my birth month on so many levels. I was literally brought earthside by my amazing mother in April, almost 33 years ago now (thanks mom for the final push!)...but I also took my first yoga class in April, 16 years ago and that was a rebirth in and of itself (thanks Dad, for the strong suggestion). Each year that April arrives, I feel a deep sense of reflection about my growth, and the direction I am heading in. I still remember like it was yesterday, walking out of my first ever yoga class feeling more grounded than I had ever felt and thinking "I'm going to teach that someday and do my best to offer this feeling to others as much as possible." I like to think that I'm doing a pretty good job of that now...and I'm still loving every minute of it.
This time LAST year, I wanted to do anything but reflect. Last April-May were some of the darkest months I have personally ever experienced within myself. I was so deep in the throws of postpartum depression and such intense anxiety, I couldn't see clearly at all. I was questioning all of my life decisions that had gotten me to the point in life I was, and it was the most ungrounded and scared I had ever felt. I had this mental image of myself floating above my life and looking in, thinking "why am I so unhappy and miserable? My life looks wonderful." I'm grateful for this experience because it reminds me to do the same for every person I meet or come across now. We don't know what's going on in people's minds or behind closed doors...so when we meet them we have to remember that they are JUST HUMAN. An [integral] part of being human is all the mental thought traffic that we can't seem to escape including all of the expectations we put on ourselves due to false beliefs of how we think we're supposed to be, act, look etc. We are all struggling and suffering to different degrees...and now I see that it's ok for that to be the case.
I firmly believe that if we are never uncomfortable, or experience some real shit, then we never really have the opportunity to grow, evolve, and break open into a clearer state of being. Growing sucks. I've said since I was quite little, that growing up is painful. I'm still growing up, and growing in, and growing out...and it still hurts. But it's getting a little more exciting and slightly easier because with some experience now, I can remember that it's temporary and the painful part is only a conduit to the beauty and light that we get closer to when we let go.
This time last year, I wasn't sure that I was going to make it through the day, let alone the month or even the year. I doubted my ability to carry on, to move forward in any capacity; I doubted my ability to mother 2 children, and be a supportive partner. I felt more human that I had ever felt, and it was horrible. It was also the MOST I have grown in a short span of time.
I asked for help from professionals. I was reassured that my experience was normal, be it hard and sucky, normal and ok. I didn't believe anyone: until I started sharing my experience and then felt much more validated and supported by other women who have had such intense postpartum experiences that bled over into all aspects of life. I learned that asking for help and exposing your vulnerabilities is what makes you the most human of all because it not only connects you to others, but it gives you the opportunity to connect so deeply to your own humanity that you inevitably will be a better person and teacher and role model for being so honest and real.
This April, I'm celebrating. I have weaned entirely off my anxiety medication and I feel so much more deeply connected to myself, to my children, to my husband and my peers. I am so grateful to have had the courage to ask for help, receive the help, and now let it go. It was a necessary aid in the last year of my life...and now I don't need that one particular aid...I feel like a fog has lifted from my heart, my eyes and my thoughts. I'm so proud of myself for all the crap I have dealt with as a woman, as a mother, as a wife...and I'm so proud of my friends and family for sticking by me, holding me up and supporting me more than I ever thought I deserved. You all helped me see how worthy of love I am, and that is the greatest gift.
Thank you family. Thank you friends. Thank you yogis who showed up every week to give me a purpose when I didn't think I had one. Thank you mamas who trusted me to support you in your most vulnerable time of life: I have never felt so honored to do the work I get to do. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart...this life takes a village and I'm infinitely grateful for mine and all of you.
In gratitude,
Sarah
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