PPD, Vaginas and Impermanence

When people see you out in public with a newborn, they have just as much to say to you as they did when you were pregnant.  Sometimes it's advice, sometimes it's praise "for getting out of the house", but often times they pretend to want to know how you're feeling.  I say pretend, because if I were to answer honestly, with "well, im beyond exhausted, my vagina feels like it's been kicked with a steel toed work boot, and my body is smushy soft unsexy mess" then I don't believe the response would be empathetic.  I don't believe that because I've answered honestly before, and I the response has been shock, or just walking away.  So, not only do you become a temporary interest of people who wouldn't acknowledge your existence if you werent pregnant or with a baby, you also aren't being heard.  That's why instead of having the view of "well this is an opportunity to interact with people and trust that the universe has provided this interaction for a reason" im more pessimistic.  If the general culture of our society had more compassion, respect and deep care for new mothers, and wanted to hear how we really felt, then it'd be easier to leave the house.

This time around, I feel WAY more supported postpartum than I did after having my son.  However, I am the one who proactively set up my support system.  It didn't just fall into place.  I was terrified of experiencing what I did with my son, and tried everything I could to make sure I would be able to be held and supported if I needed to fall apart again.  Which brings me to my next point: I CANNOT BELIEVE that I thought my experience of postpartum/motherhood after my son, was normal.  I thought it was just how it was to have kids.  UNREAL.  I'm so glad I was brave enough to have another baby, because this whole experience has been SO different, and given me even more clarity that my first experience was just pure trauma on every single front.  How did I not know it wasn't normal??  There are too many cracks in our culture around parenthood to pay close enough attention to when one mom (or many) are falling apart.

If we take a step back, and even leave the hormones out of this huge life transition, and peak at this through an energetic, yogic perspective, then it makes a lot more sense to me as to why this transition completely flips your life upside down.  I'm about to talk vaginas and pelvic floor.  VAGINA.  WHY are people SO uptight about this word? VAGINAS ARE AMAZING.  Regardless of how you were conceived, or how you were born, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mother's vagina.  I'm not trying to be crude: just truthful.  The FOUNDATION of our core, and our energetic self, begins at our pelvic floor.  So during pregnancy, your pelvic floor takes quite a hit.  During birth, it takes a beating!  Postpartum, your whole foundation has been flipped inside out, and is trying to put itself back together; and on top of it all, we're caring for a tiny human who has just completely changed our whole body, our whole outlook on life, and the entire way we see ourselves.  Bssically the most life changing thing anyone can do, is have a child.  It changes your physical, energetic, emotional, intuitive and spiritual body.  It literally is never the same.  So we learn to adjust--but this process can be quite traumatic without the correct support and information.

Everyone's birth and postpartum experience is different, and it's never the way we imagine it to be.  This is the next problem.  We have images of how we want things to go, how we think things will be, what we think we can handle...and we get attached to them, in efforts to keep ourselves grounded during a huge life transition.  But guess what?  Getting attached to our desires is always our biggest mistake because it always results in disappointment.  We don't know how our birth will be, or what it will really be like to be a parent.  We try to make it the way it was the first time, or make it the way we expected it to be, and we are our own worst enemy when we do that, because we get into a battle with ourselves.  It's hard to avoid this cycle as we live this way most of our lives: being attached to our desires, and disappointed when things don't go the way we wanted.

So what's the lesson?  To me, the lesson which has become my mantra, is: impermanence.  Nothing will always be this way.  Everything is always changing.  Things won't always be this way.  In this truth, there inherently is the opportunity for trust to blossom inside ourselves.  We have to trust our bodies, TRUST OUR BABIES (that will be another much longer post), and trust in God, or the Universe, or something bigger than ourselves.  When we TRUST that we are where we are supposed to be, there is a little buffer between the shitty situation we feel victim to, and our reaction to said shitty situation.  And TRUST that its OK and its NORMAL to cry, to get mad, to FEEL SO MANY FEELINGS.  Embrace those feelings, because FEELING is what makes us human!!  It allows us to express things like love, and happiness and joy...but also sadness, anger, and fear.  We need both sides and all parts of the emotioal spectrum to have any respect for any of it!

Take away: Vaginas are amazing, Women are superheroes, and Everything is always shifting.  Deep breaths, or a grounding piece of music, or just a pause to remember how abundant our lives are, gives us a moment to BREATHE.

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