My Dear Sweet Baby Boy,
One month ago today, you blessed your dad and I by coming into the world, a healthy, beautiful miracle of life. As I reflect on the last few weeks of my life, I am humbled by how much you have already taught me about myself, and about life in general. For 9 months, I carried you in my belly, and was pretty miserable the whole time with very uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms. Before you were in my belly I had always dreamed of having a big family. Though, during the last 9 months, I started to doubt my previous desires. However, the moment you came into the world, and were placed onto my chest, I realized why people have many children. During my whole pregnancy, people told me regularly, that "I would forget the pain, and the nausea…nature has a way of making us forget." You see, these people didn't know the first thing about me. I will never forget any of it. I will remember all the vomiting, and the intense pain of labor and delivery. I will remember how much physical sacrifice is necessary to make, in order to grow a human. And I will choose, consciously to do it again. And probably again after that. Because when I look at you, I feel more love in my entire being than I have ever felt in my life. I feel the deepest connection to God, to myself and to your amazing dad. I melt when you fall asleep on my chest in complete surrender and trust in the safety of my arms. Giving birth to you, has made me a better person, and has made me feel whole in a way that is indescribable until you experience it yourself.
If you saw my picture before I was pregnant, you'd probably think I was in pretty good shape…but if you talked with me about how I felt about myself, my thoughts and feelings really didn't line up with reality. I have never been someone who has felt comfortable in my own skin…I have always been looking to change or improve, or 'just lose 5 pounds.' For the last 9 months, I was so sick all the time, that I couldn't exercise and I craved many unhealthy foods, as they were the only ones that made me feel better. I watched myself gain 54 pounds as my belly grew and grew with you in there. But I didn the absolute best I could with every day that presented itself to me. Some days my best was better than other days…but I promised myself I would do my best, because that's all I could do. And this practice of surrender was very humbling. It helped me let go of a lot of judgment I had of myself and my continuously growing body.
Now that you have arrived into the world, I have entered my postpartum stage of recovery, and because of how miraculous you are, and how much I have been opened up and connected to your incredible arrival, I love myself more than I ever have. I stare in the mirror and see soft, droopy skin in places it has never been. I see stretch marks all over my legs, hips and belly. I see puffiness still present all over. And I see a vessel that brought life into this world. I see myself as the most beautiful version of me that I have ever been. I feel like an incredibly natural, beautiful woman with fierce strength that I never knew I had. I have compassion for my stretch marks and admiration for my flabbiness…because all of those things are evidence that I brought you into the world. I did it! I have never been so proud of myself for anything in my life.
In your short time on this earth, you have already taught me how to love myself in a way I never thought I could. You have taught me how strong I actually am, and how to have compassion and softness for the process of healing. I am incredibly grateful to you for choosing me as your mom. I think we will learn equal amounts of life lessons, eye and heart opening lessons, from each other, as we live and grow together.
Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for opening me up. Thank you for your presence, and the chance to slow down my life, re-examine what is important, and connect so deeply to the Spirit of life!
You are loved unconditionally, and in the truest way possible with all the parts of my heart and soul.
Love,
Mom
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