I have always believed that being pregnant would be the best days of my life. I have always wanted to be a mother since I can remember. The thought of being able to grow a human inside of my own body, and birth it into this world, has always made me feel sort of magical on some level. Because when you get right down to it…it's pretty friggin AMAZING.
Then…I got pregnant. Talk about expectations! I am always trying to teach my students to let go of their expectations on their mats, so they can just enjoy the journey. Well, apparently taking my own advice on this route, is a hell of a lot easier said than done. Being pregnant (so far) has been the most challenging, uncomfortable, least glamorous experience of my life. I don't want to sugar coat things here. So, if you don't want the details, stop reading now.
Before I even knew, officially, that I was pregnant, my breasts started aching to the point of an untouchable caliber. I thought, meh, maybe it's just bad PMS, not wanting to get my hopes up that we got pregnant SO easily as I know it isn't as easy for everyone. The achy breasts? That wasn't so bad. But then there was the CONSTANT ravaging starvation, ALL DAY LONG. If I didn't eat, I felt like I might throw up, but if I made myself eat, then the urge to barf, was a bit less and in the background. So, I hoarded food like a chipmunk by my bedside and munched on crackers, fruit, and water ALL NIGHT LONG. It was like clockwork, every 90-120 minutes I would wake up feeling as thought I was literally dying of starvation. This phase lasted about 6 weeks. Once I started being able to get the food hoarding under control to only 1-2 times a night, the extreme nausea set in. And I'm talking, nausea ALL THE TIME. From weeks 9-13, I was running to the bathroom to typically dry heave my face off, or vomit up the last thing I ate (if I was lucky). The vomiting was actually better than the dry heaving, because when I finished vomiting, I actually felt better. With the dry heaving, the nausea never went away.
So, my trip to Nicaragua was right around the corner, and I was feeling just so incredibly terrible. I forgot to mention the migraines. The migraines that would be exacerbated by the dry heaving. And then the nausea that would be exacerbated by the migraines. Through all this misery and discomfort, I was also able to feel so guilty. Yup, guilty. "I'm supposed to be enjoying this…creating life and becoming a mom!" But to be honest, I just felt and still feel like, I kind of just suck at being pregnant. So to pile on top of the guilt, was disappointment in myself.
Right before my trip, my midwife (FINALLY) prescribed me a pregnancy-safe medicine to help fight the constant nausea. AND IT WORKED! So I had some temporary relief from wanting to barf my face off all the time. Finally, I was able to get psyched about my trip (2 days before I left). When I got there, I don't know if it was the warm weather, or new environment, but I felt like that "light switch" that moms have talked about before, just went off! I wasn't feeling crappy anymore! I had a week off from feeling terrible, dry heaving all the time, and feeling guilty. I thought I had turned the corner, and beat this morning (all day) sickness in the butt.
Within 2 minutes of coming back home from my trip, I was dry heaving in the bathroom again. The utter disappointment and pure frustration that overtook my entire body is pretty much indescribable. I had this surge of anger because the one week I felt good, I wasn't even able to share it with my husband, who has been putting up with my bad mood and constant sickness for 2 months now. I spent my first weekend home feeling terrible all over again. The guilt, disappointment and now added bonus of anger were so powerful and stifling.
I saw my midwife the following Monday and broke down in her office. Not only has this pregnancy taken a physical toll on me, but I felt officially defeated and emotionally beaten to the core. I just wanted to curl up and cry, and stay hibernating till summer…or maybe even till the baby is born.
Today, at 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I still feel awful. I have these brief moments of relief, and naively get my hopes up that I am turning this corner everyone talks about…and then I start dry heaving, or waking up in the middle of the night to run to the bathroom.
I have realized how incredibly challenging it is for me to feel so uncomfortable in my own body, and so out of control of everything my body is experiencing. Vomiting is one of the most vulnerable places to be, in my opinion. It feels like my body's rejection of something, and that's really hard. I have spent so much of my life striving to accept my body and feel comfortable with myself, and all of that just feels like it's been thrown out the window the moment I got pregnant. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
So, my lesson, that I am sure will continue to be a challenge throughout this whole experience, is to accept my lack of control. Accept my growing love handles that make it really awkward to do reverse warrior. To accept my now (already) DD breasts that feel like they get in the way even more than my growing belly. This is SO hard for me. And that has to be ok. Don't get me wrong,…I am INCREDIBLY grateful that I was able to conceive so easily, and that we have been given, what I still believe to be, the biggest honor and blessing in this life: to become parents. I will never take that for granted, because I still think it's magical on some level, what I am able to do with this body. But it has to be ok for me to bitch and moan about how crappy I feel ALL THE TIME. It is so hard to be positive and excited when all I want to do is throw up.
I feel like there is a really big stigma against pregnant women who complain, because men, and non-pregnant women simply CANNOT understand what it is like. Just as I'm sure it would be hard to understand what it is like to feel the baby kick for the first time from inside your own body. There seems to be a lack of compassion and understanding for the struggles involved with growing a human. I don't want to hear things like "oh well it will get better soon…it's all worth it." Or, "the harder the pregnancy, the stronger the baby!" I don't need you to justify my crappy feeling. But I wouldn't be upset if you said "I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you feel better soon." That's what you would say to someone with the flu, right?
Anyway, you may think this rant is selfish and terrible, that there it is: the truth about pregnancy for me is that I feel like I suck at it. It's hard, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually because of how blocked I feel on all those levels. Everything shuts down and is put on hold to grow this baby, and I am still expected to live my life like a regular person, working 6 days a week, and being positive. Maybe I will turn a corner soon. Maybe I won't. The hardest part for me is the not knowing when this unsettled feeling will go away. And what better way to face it, than articulate how I feel? Maybe I can start working things out that way.
I know I will be a wonderful mom. And I've heard that every pregnancy is different. But I want to be present, with this baby, with this pregnancy, and it's really hard to do that when I feel so down all the time. Can't that be ok right now?
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