Meditate. Acceptance. Love.

The year 2011 was so full of beautiful, wonderful happenings and people in my life. My family overcame a huge milestone, my best friend asked me to marry him, my career as a yoga teacher started to materialize and my friendships felt solid. I couldn't have asked for more, really. I came back into myself after a rough 2010, and remembered how much I like my own company. Though, in all of these lovely things, I got a little lost in the shuffle. I felt a little unbalanced as the year ended, and wanted more balance in my life. So for 2012, I didn't feel like I needed resolutions. I felt like I needed goals. My first goal on my list is:

-meditate for 20 minutes every day.

So far, I've only missed a couple of days, but on those days, I have been sure to either do something for myself, or take 5 minutes before bed to reflect on what i'm grateful for in my life, or in that day.

I wanted to bring back my daily meditation practice because when I'm adamant about it, I always feel better. It's easy to avoid my cushion, because sometimes I just can't sit still, or I don't want to face what I know might be emotional. But I have noticed now, that on the days I don't sit for 20 minutes, I feel it at the end of the day, and I crave meditation.

I spend a lot of time alone at home. This might sound sad or depressing to some people, but I actually love it. I can move when I want to move, I can clean, sleep, eat, work, whatever. Though, during my days and hours I'm not teaching or preparing for a class, there is always an inner dialogue happening that I often wrestle with instead of surrender to. For January, I promised myself I would take 2 days off each week from teaching. Last year, I only had 1 day off and it was definitely better than no days, but a lot of times it didn't feel like enough time to breathe and gear up for the next week. So my schedule has significantly downsized, and I'm spending a lot more time at home.

Most of these inner dialogues include some form of criticism of myself in some way or another. Some days it's my body that I criticize, some days it's a class I taught. A lot of times I wonder if I should be pursuing a more active teaching career...for example, planning more workshops and seeing who will have me at their studio or space to teach. Or trying more proactively to get more classes at other studios or gyms. But when i'm able to acknowledge that inner dialogue, I know I need this quiet time at home, this space to be myself.

I tend to be someone who gets very excited over many things whether they are ideas, relationships, new clothes, anything! I see the best possible scenario, or the best in a person, I get excited to make it happen and I put my whole heart into it. I open up, share myself, my ideas and hope that it sticks or is able to follow through. What blows my mind is that until right now, I don't think that I've really fully "learned" from this...because often times it starts out strong, my excitement is contagious, my positive energy is soaked up...and then it's left alone because it's too overwhelming, it's too intense. The thing is, I dont know how to be any other way. When I try to keep things to myself, people think I'm being cold, or withdrawn.

Being someone who is often times too open, too sensitive and gives the benefit of the doubt, I end up hurt or disappointed. Though, the times that I have been able to welcome someone into my life who is not scared of my eagerness to love, have fully out-weighed those who shy away. For a long time I thought I should try to calm myself down, not get too excited, or curb my passion as to not scare people away. But I love that I love everyone in 5 minutes, and I love that I love what I do! I love that LOVE is one of my favorite words to use. And it's ok if that isn't everyone's cup of tea.

What it all ends up boiling down to, is self acceptance. Some days I bask in it, other days I'm not so sure...on the days I'm not so sure, something or someone in my life always reassures me, when I least expect it. So even though it can feel like a slap in the face each and every time someone blows you off or pulls back or leaves entirely, someone or something always balances it out. It's all about finding the balance between keeping an open heart and guarding it gently when necessary, in order to survive.

Light and Love,

Sarah