Day 8, I wasn't feeling agitated so much as I was feeling anxious about using my voice again, and going home! The teachers said it was common to feel a bit restless in the sits, feeling the retreat coming to an end. They also said it is the most crucial time to pay attention to your body to not skip out on the end...it's very educational and interesting to notice when you check out, and how often you are doing it. So, I listened, and I was able to get into the sits and the walking, and felt pretty calm. I had a lot of chatter going on in my mind, so things didn't feel as quiet as they had during the rest of the retreat...but that was just my mind!
The afternoon of day 8, after lunch, the teachers gave a talk on "mindful talking." We had a small talking exercise with our fellow retreatants to notice the feelings in our bodies when we interact with our voices again. THIS WAS SO STRANGE!! I felt like I knew all these people so well, but we never had exchanged words. It was also strange to just be talking to another person! For about 45 minutes in the dining hall we had time to talk to each other...IT WAS CHAOS!!! I couldn't even believe the noise...and I was exploding at the mouth as well. It was really intense. After 45 minutes of what felt like people screaming at each other, the cooks rang the bell for dinner, and everyone went silent. We had the rest of the night back in silence starting with dinner. During my meal, I was shaking SO hard. The stimulation of noise had really shaken me up! My brain was vibrating, and I felt like I was a little floaty or something. But I was so intrigued by the sensations in my body! I was able to really notice what was happening, and this helped me drop SO deep into myself for the rest of the night, it was incredible. After dinner, I had a 30 minute sit, and dropped pretty deep into a meditative state. I went downstairs to the walking room after the sit and walked really slowly for the full 45 minutes...dropping deeper into meditation that I felt like I had all week. I was SO quiet, and present, not even thinking. At 7:30 we had a dharma talk, and I went in to sit and listen. I listened to the talk with my eyes closed the whole time, and then continued to sit for another hour after that talk, through the chanting and after the chanting. I hadn't realized how deeply the silence had effected me all week. It really quieted my whole nervous system and slowed down my everything, and all the talking sped it up again...but the silence following the talking was so profound and wonderful. I slept SO soundly that night,...I fell asleep with one hand on my heart, and one hand on my belly, and didn't wake up till the next morning. It was such a great night to end the retreat with...it made me not want to leave so I could get more in it time! :-)...but I didn't want to feed the craving :-).
The last day, we just had 2 last sits, and a farewell talk. Silence was officially broken at 10:30am, and we had time to mingle before an optional lunch, before we all went our separate ways! It was quite incredible to be able to exchange my information with all these people who I had barely talked to all week, because we had bonded in such a unique energetic way. So, all in all, this retreat was a fantastic learning experience, an emotional roller coaster, and a beautifully painful way to get to know myself a lot better. I am very excited to get to know myself better as the moments go on day by day. Mindfulness is such a wonderful thing to cultivate and be aware of, and it makes the days so much more enjoyable! I still feel like I didn't cover a lot of what happened at the retreat, but I think I covered most of the important details :-)
As for this last week, integrating back in to the real world...woah. It's been very interesting. First of all, it's only been about 8 days since I've come back...and it seems like a lifetime ago that I was on retreat. It's a strange time-warp of craziness. Work, was really great to get back to because I love my job so much its kind of insane...it was amazing to get hugs and kisses from little Lindsay! And I felt really welcomed, and loved in general upon my return. But I have realized this past week how fast paced my life really is. I didn't realize how much I was stressing myself out each day by moving so quickly. Going back to work, I realized how un-mindfully I do many things in a day, because my life often requires a lot of multi-tasking...which can be great, but not after a mindfulness retreat!! I have had to force myself to slow down many times in a day, and it's been quite humbling. I am so grateful to at least be conscious of this, even if it only happens once in a day!
Also, I now understand my need for such a clean and organized apartment: my newfound understanding for myself that I have a karmic knot based in fear,...I am scared of things that are out of my control. But I have started to clean more mindfully than automatically. I am not judging myself for being a clean freak...because there isn't anything wrong with it. Now I am being more conscious of my actions as I clean, and paying attention to how and what I am cleaning instead of just doing it for the sake of control. I have also made an honest effort to not compulsively plan so much for the future, because I tend to get attached to images I create in my mind about the future and when they don't happen I get disappointed, and usually end up blaming someone else instead of just taking responsibility. This compulsive future planning has gotten me into trouble in the past because I realize it makes me less patient, and more judgmental of things that don't go "my way." This is no way to be. Of course, it's important to find a healthy balance between having goals that require planning, and still living in each moment, making decisions that can support that goal, but also contribute to your present happiness. This is much easier said than done, but I've got infinite moments to work on this!
For now, I am very excited for it to be summer (happy summer solstice by the way), and I am looking forward to spending my summer with the kids I love to work with, teaching yoga, going to the beach, eating ice cream, finding a new place to live closer to the city, and loving my bunny to pieces because he is the epitome of amazingness and presence. We can learn SO much from animals, and children. If we are open in our minds and in our hearts, then the world will show it's beauty to us. The world is always showing it's beauty in millions of different ways every single moment of existence...we just fail to notice because we don't take the time to breathe it all in. Each time we take a breath in, we receive from the universe, and each time we breathe out, we give back to the universe. To understand amazing intimacy we share with every single living organism is the greatest gift, because it's the most whole one can ever feel. And there is hope in this feeling of oneness, that maybe one day enough people will experience this interconnectedness enough, that wars will end, and peace will flourish.
Might seem like a lot to have gained in 9 days...the funny thing is, I feel like I just tapped the tip of a huge ice burg, and I can't wait to chip away at the entire thing, for as long as I am on this earth as a human being. :-)
That's all for now...thanks for reading!
Light and Love,
Sarah
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