Sweet as honey, Bitter as Lemons: Part 2

So, picking up where I left off, I was feeling pretty up and down about having chosen this retreat as my vacation time. The morning of day 5, I had had just about enough of no eye contact, enough solitude,...just enough. Luckily, we had one of our group meetings that morning. During the meeting I had quite an "aha" moment. When one of the women shared that she was really trying to make the week about caring about herself, it was really hard for her, because for years and years she has only been caring about other people. Now, this may seem like pretty simply articulated pyschology that's pretty easy to understand. Well folks, let me tell you how bright a light started shining in my heart about this concept. I always thought I have done a pretty good job of taking care of myself...practicing yoga, reading books, eating healthy...all that good stuff. But the way this woman was talking about it, I realized I was the same way. As a nanny, as a woman who dreams of being an outstanding mother one day, and as an extremely energetically sensitive person, I was not taking enough time for myself to really unwind. The clarity that came with this realization was a bit of a shock...it was no wonder to me why I pass out at the end of the day of exhaustion before 10pm...I'm always taking care of everyone and everything else around me. DUH! :-)

So after that morning meeting, I had a new understanding of why people were keeping their gaze soft, and I was able to do this myself. I dropped into myself, and my meditation really deeply for the rest of the day, and it was really a wonderful feeling. I was able to do the walking meditation, and I was really deep in the sits. While I was sitting, I was practicing the mindfulness that the teachers were talking about all week. Using my breath as an anchor to keep myself present and focused. So, I noticed that my shoulders were really knotted and sore. Instead of trying to adjust myself to a more comfortable position, I tried to "get interested" in the knots. This was intense. All of a sudden, I started to literally feel the knots untie themselves. Once it loosened up a bit, the knot travelled down my arm, causing my arm to twitch out to the side, as if I was throwing away bad energy stuck in my shoulders. This went on for quite some time...all in my left side.

At dinner time, I was really "in it." But all of a sudden, I felt my heart rise into my throat, beating so hard, I thought I was going to throw up. I felt so suffocated and claustrophobic, I grabbed my food and went outside. After a few deep breaths, I was able to feel the calm come back, as I watched mother nature work her magic. I watched a chipmunk chase a robin. I watched a robin chase a frog...I watched birds chase each other, and bees pollinate flowers. Feeling able to breathe, and keep solitude, I finished the night so calm. But that night, I had such violent angry dreams, and I woke up feeling very agitated. Day 5: a successful rollercoaster.

Day 6: I woke up pissed off that I had such an angry dream. Note: NOT A GOOD WAY TO START A DAY OF MEDITATION!!! My mind was racing, as was my heart. I couldn't sit in the morning, because I was so irritated. And instead of just being with the irritation, I was resisting it like nobody's business! So, by 10am, I went to the meditation hall...and within 10 minutes I wanted the bell to ring. But I had 35 minutes left before this was to happen. I'm not even kidding you, I GLARED at the person leading the meditation on the stage...shooting her fireballs with my eyes to try and will her to ring the bell so I could get the hell out of that damn hall. Once the bell rang, I ran out, ran to my room and curled up in a ball on my bed. What was happening to me? Then I remembered something the teachers were talking about in a dharma talk a couple nights before: karmic knots. A karmic knot is inescapable, and everyone has one or many. When we are infants, we absorb all kinds of different energy...mostly from our parents. That is how we learn love, and compassion...but that's also how we learn anxiety, fear, anger. Our parents don't do this intentionally...they are just doing the best they can. So in the middle of my raging fit of irritation, I realized that the previous day, when my arm was twitching...my karmic knots were coming undone. The previous day, was the calm before the storm.

The storm was roaring and I didn't know what to do...I stayed curled in a ball on my bed for hours. I couldn't even face myself. I realized for the first time, how truly fearful I am of not being in control. Many people in my life have told me that I am a "spitfire" or I have a lot of "pizzazz." Really, I was just fearful, and acting out in anger. I'm not an actual ANGRY person...but it's much easier to be angry then go around be fearful of everything. Realizing this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do...ever. It made me hate myself for having so much fearful, angry feelings. I couldn't get away from me. Talk about claustrophobic. My entire body was taken over by these sister emotions. My temperature rose, my heart rate rose, I was walking so fast, my thoughts were out of control. I couldn't sit all day. I couldn't do anything except stay in my bed, hold onto my teddy bear and my blanky, and cry. All I could think was "I thought I was a nice person...how can I be so angry?"

I will finish this post with the journal entry that I wrote before I went to bed, after having a one-on-one personal meeting with one of the teachers.

"Eyes pulsing, neck aching, head throbbing. All I want to do is run. But to where, from what? From myself. Impossible. I have to face myself. That's what I came here to do...but I didn't know I would be so ugly. I've thought good things about myself for a while...but not enough, or not truthfully I guess. I've been lying to myself my whole life. I'm scared, therefore angry. And I'm scared shitless by the anger. Today was the first time in my life that I came face to face with the complexity and intensity and profound deep-rootedness of my fear...and I had no where to run, nothing to do, except face it. It's the most uncomfortable, scary feeling I've ever experienced. It overtook my entire body...I feel so tense and shut off from the beauty in the world. People have always told me that I'm too hard on myself, and I've always thought they were wrong. I decided that I just have high standards which therefore makes me successful. News flash: they were right and I was wrong! The phrase, 'you beat yourself up too much' took on a whole new light today. I literally feel like my 'little s self' kicked the shit out of me. I feel bruised, scared and vulnerable. On the flip side of this, as painful as it is, I'm grateful to start to see the truth. I have years of self-denial and self-delusion to now re-wire, but I will do it. And I'll do it slowly, letting myself take rest when necessary. This 'barreling through the pain' attitude that our culture portrays is so harmful. What's the use in barreling through if we don't take the time to be interested in the experience? I'm scared, no denying that. But what's the alternative? Continuing self-delusion? I obviously knew I wasn't perfect when I decided to sign up for a 9-day silent meditation retreat. I knew I had shit to work out...and I knew I was ready...of course I didn't know how hard it would be, but I knew it wouldn't be easy...and like I said, what's the alternative? I've chosen a path with heart, and I know I'll experience doubt, aversion, frustration, love, compassion, but experiencing it and being interested in it will be what eventually brings me to find peace.

This retreat is all about mindfulness. Soft, steady awareness. Being completely present in each and every moment brings a certain peace into your life. But that peace, like today, can often be a calm before a storm. Today I had a raging angry storm that cracked me open from the inside-out and it scared the crap out of me. But now, with baby-steps I can start to recognize my anger when it arises and notice it...use it as a tool, as information, and know I need to take care of me. Lots of work ahead. But this is where I need to make peace with if I want to have more tolerance and compassion for me and everyone around me. Living my life, by living my yoga: discovering truth, right to it's core." (09 june 2010).

Part 3 coming soon...thanks for reading! :-)

Light and Love,

Sarah