Welcome to my blog!

I've decided to follow suit, and start a blog of my own. For months and months I've been trying to decide, 'what should the theme be, what should I write about?' I don't think I have decided on one specific theme, but I have decided to focus on my worldview in relation to my yoga practice, on and off the mat. Brace yourselves, this first entry might be a long introduction to the thoughts of Sarah Pearl. :-)

Maybe it's the fact that I am leaving for a 9 day silent meditation retreat on friday, but recently I have been thinking a lot about myself in relation to the world. What's my place? What's my purpose? For those of you who know me well, I know I have at least two purposes on this earth, in this lifetime: to be a mother, and to be a yoga teacher. The mom stuff will come later in life, but the yoga teacher stuff is happening NOW!! It's actually here. It's still surreal, because I can remember 7 years ago, after taking my first yoga class, thinking...'I am going to do that one day!'

So, now I'm a yoga teacher, and a nanny. Both of these jobs bring me endless joy and opportunities to learn, which is more than I could ever ask for. Over the past few months, I have had quite a few people say things to me about how positive my facebook status updates are, or comment on my general positive attitude, and they wonder how I am always happy, or they say 'I wish I had your optimism.' I do think that having not only 1, but 2 jobs that bring me joy, helps quite a bit. However, I do wish to explore a bit deeper into this.

The truth is, I was not always positive and happy. For many years, I was quite depressed and had horrible self-image. I battled with an eating disorder for a while as a dancer, and experienced many years of self-hatred, confusion and claustrophobia in my own skin. I set my standards impossibly high and was always disappointed in myself. Ask my mom and dad, I was quite miserable to be around!

At 16, almost 17, my parents signed me up for an intro to Ashtanga yoga workshop for the month of april in 2003. I did NOT want to go....but i'm SO glad i did! With a strong ballet and gymnastics background, yoga seemed like my thing: so easy and a good workout.

Well, years later, it has proven to be anything but easy...but it has been the best journey I could dream of. I have always been a very passionate, dedicated person. I've always known what I wanted in and out of life. So, when I was 13 and learned about traveling to other countries, I decided that when I went to college, I would go abroad...the location changed every time I learned about a new country,...but the consistency was that I was going abroad, no matter what..nothing would stand in my way.

Well in 2007, it was time to go abroad. India, or Africa? India, or Africa? I went back and forth for months. I finally decided on a program in India, which included yoga every morning, and a 40-hour solo in a cave of the mountains in Hampi, at the end of the program. Of course, I knew my yoga would lead me to the best decision.

For months, I prepared for my 4-month journey across the world...literally. I had every single emotion under the sun about this semester. I knew this was the program, and I knew I needed to go to India. I just couldn't believe that I was actually going to be able to make it happen! When the day finally arrived that I was supposed to leave for INDIA, I had the biggest butterflies in my stomach...and did i mention, that my stomach was in my heart, and my heart was in my throat? FOUR MONTHS away from EVERYTHING I have ever known? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?!?! Well, whatever I was thinking, was rational in some universe, because that semester is what made me as happy as I am today.

I could write an entire blog on my semester in India, and yes, I should have kept one...but I was a bit behind the technological times for a while, and I just wanted to take everything in...I did keep a journal which I am forever grateful for having done.

So, sparing most of the details in India, the reason I mention it is because most of the lessons in life that are the most important, in my opinion, are the ones I learned when I was across the world, away from everything that ever made any kind of sense to me.

Being thrown into the most foreign situation possible, other than the language within our own program, will make you take a look at your life, and yourself. I learned that I was not a very adaptable person; I didn't deal well with change; I like routine and schedule; I make friends easily; I am easy to talk to; my english is very clear; my french is beautiful; I didn't NEED toilet paper to survive! :-); I can take care of myself; I AM SO BLESSED.

I learned so many more things, but these were a few that stuck out initially. I can take care of myself. I know what I need, and I am able to take care of me. That seems so simple, but really, it is what carried me through the semester, and continues to carry me successfully through life. Knowing yourself to recognize your needs is so important. So many people let others walk all over them, or ignore their own needs to make others happy, or to make situations have less conflict...it's not worth it in the end.

I am so blessed. I learned this in the most crude, humbling way possible over the course of the 4 months I was away. Things that I have always had access to, my whole life, were no longer accessible, and that was really hard for a couple reasons. 1. I realized the people in India never had access to these things, such as hot water, a full refrigerator, comfy beds, basically anything I could ever want or need. 2. I didn't have these things that made my life easier, so I had to figure out another way. Initially #2 was difficult because it made me very homesick, but eventually #2 made me more grateful for everything in my life, than I ever thought possible.

Coming home, I had a really hard time integrating all these things I learned into a life that I was given that had so many opportunities. Shouldn't I feel guilty, that I have a roof over my head, so many choices for everything; when people in India are starving on the side of the road? I still sometimes have this battle with myself about guilt versus appreciation. That's the key...as long as I show appreciation to all the things and people I have in my life, then I feel like I deserve them, and feeling guilty won't do anyone any good.

I guess the reason I am sharing all of this, is because I am still having that internal struggle in a lot of situations of guilt versus appreciation. I take everything to such an extreme sometimes i.e. I just had my first sinus infection. I felt worse than I have felt in a very long time. But the whole time I was sick, I was trying to think of how happy I am to have had my comfy bed, and hot showers to help me feel better. It wasn't until the 5th day of sickness that I really said, "wow, I feel like death." And i finally let myself complain and wallow in my sickness for the day.

My biggest goal for this meditation retreat is to be able to cultivate more of an inner balance with myself, and be able to translate that in my heart for all the people in my life. Because I don't (ever) cut myself some slack, I tend to not cut others any slack, and it's just not fair, and it's not the compassionate person I know that I am.

If you read this whole post, you are amazing, and I thank you for reading! I want to write regularly when I come back from this journey into silence, into myself, to discover, unwind, re-wind, and love the real me.

For those of you reading and looking for some more happiness in your life, my biggest piece of advice is to just be grateful. Thank the shower head for giving you hot water. Hug your bed for being so comfortable. Smile into the fridge when you see it is full. Tell the important people in your life, that they are important to you...just for the hell of it. All of these actions, silly as they may seem, will cultivate endless love in your life, and in your self.

Light and Love,

Sarah